Tag Archives: moms

Look at My Buns!

4 Jun

I’ve been known to say and do many odd things around my kids.

There’s the time we were living in Denver about 7 years ago, we went to the grocery store to get cookout supplies.  We’re driving back down into our neighborhood and my son was about 11 or 12 and was sitting in the front passenger seat, the two girls ages 7 and 9 in the back.  I saw some kids up ahead walking on the sidewalk (on my son’s side of the car) who we didn’t really know but they were annoying young teens who always roamed the neighborhood.  So I instructed my son on what to do for a laugh when we drove by…

He yells out the window, “Hey, look at my buns!”… then holds up the package of hot dog buns we just bought out the window.

And we sped off.

It sent my pre-pubescent children into belly laughs in the car.  It’s just one of our memorable little family chuckles.

Another time, it was like just a year ago or two, we’re all in the car (kids are all teens) driving here in Rochester in the winter down a wide city street.  I see some young boys, about 7-9 on the side of the street attempting to throw snowballs at cars as they pass.  Now mind you, these kids were young and I don’t think the balls were gettin’ within 10 feet of the car.  We were all laughing about something else and as I approached, I got this slightly animated cranky old broad face and said , “Oh yea, come on just try and throw one at me ya’ little bastards” and leaned into the steering wheel like I was Mario Andretti and as I passed them I gave them “Grumpy Cat” Face and gave a little shake of my fist.

funny-picture-stevie-wonder-and-grumpy-cat

Just as I get passed I look in the rear view mirror and see a pitiful little pflurf of a snowball go up in the air and land like 5 feet from the kid… to which I murmured “Heh, take that bitches” in a grumpy old broad voice.  For some reason that became another memorable moment that always elicits laughter.

One might not think my language or “risque” humor would be appropriate around my kids.  But I think it has cultivated the opposite… they know when things are appropriate and when they are not.  They understood that I was parodying a grumpy old ignorant man or woman when I was messing with the snowball kids.  They know that I would never call a kid a little bastard, well to his face anyway.  heh  They also know that the bun joke was just a silly play on words.  We weren’t malicious and said, “Kiss my buns” or “Lick my buns” or “Give it to me hard in the buns”.  Oh sorry.  Or it wasn’t like I told my 11 year old to say, “Look at my dick!” and hold up a picture of Andy Dick.

By me exposing my children to different language and different situations, they can better understand things.  They don’t use profanity or talk back to me or other adults or peers, ever.  (I’m sure they use profanity when out amongst friends but not maliciously)  My kids have never yelled at each other or me “I hate you”, nor have they ever called each other a name.  Oh sure, they get annoyed with each other once in a while but they just stew for a while, stomp around and finally address it with, “Why are you always borrowing my stuff without asking and always breaking it?”.   There’s never any “Fuck you, you asshole whorebag stuff stealer!”.  I would not tolerate that… ever.  I just taught them from a young age that we all treat each other with respect, not just our family but everyone on Earth.

I think it’s because their Father was such a dirty fighter.  He was an incredibly competitive hockey player, so a fight was like… you stepped on his toe so he had to try and slice your jugular.  Ya’ know something like this, Me: “God, why can’t you just pick your underwear up off the floor?”  Him:  (yelling at me with his massive muscular frame in my personal space) “You know what, your Father doesn’t love you because you’re not as successful as his other uptight kids”  Uh ok, I’ll just defer this round to you.

After that mishigas (Yiddish for clusterfuck) I decided my household was always going to be rational and respectful.  There really is no yelling other than boisterous nonsense with laughing involved.  I never yell.  They never yell.  I know, I know it ruins the image you have of me doesn’t it?  But I’m telling you icy stares go a long way.  Oh wait, I misspoke there is the occasional exasperated yell from the kitchen “Jesus Christ, why do you people keep piling crap on the garbage like a Jenga game when it’s full, instead of just emptying it?!”.  Then I usually go in and calmly address it by telling them to empty it otherwise I’ll find out who put the last thing on top and I will make them sleep with it in their bed.  Nobody’s perfect.

I know a person who grew up in a pretty uptight family, everything was controlled.  No foul language, no off color humor.  Now as an adult this person started to become themselves and kind of gravitates toward adult humor, “That’s what she said” type of humor.  Which is fine, I have some of that.  But the trouble is the person now has no filter at this point.  They just blurt stuff out in front of the wrong crowd.  Ya’ know, it’s ok to say that joke at cocktails with our good friends but not to my co-worker you just met.

What’s my point?  I don’t know, I just wanted to swear a lot today.  Nah, I just think that it’s not a terrible thing to be off color with your kids.  Now I don’t mean like this Mother-Daughter porn team I’ve heard about, or the Father-Son pimp team that’s on trial in NY currently.  Not that kind of inappropriate.  I just think exposing them to things teaches them how to make choices in life instead of sheltering them from it, then they have no idea how to deal when confronted  with it… without Mommy and Daddy around.  Just my two cents.  Now off with you, ya’ little bastards, enjoy the day…

Oh and today only for my loyal readers get a FREE Kindle version of my hee-larious book, “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!” Making the best of the crap life gives you.  on Amazon.com.  CLICK HERE NOW!!!!!!

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This Ain’t 1979: The New Mom Code

28 Jan

Thank you all so much for your submissions for funny blogs!  I found a few new people to follow and I appreciate it.  And I got several new readers.  Thanks and welcome!

Most of my readers know my story but I’ll give a little Cliff Notes version to the new readers.  I have 3 children, a boy in college at NYU who will be 19 next month, and two girls, one just turned 16 last week, the other turns 14 in three weeks.  Just writing that gives me agita.  I’ve been divorced since 2000 and their Dad lives out of state and has been mostly out of the picture for the past 4 years.  Even when he was in the picture he traveled with his job all the time, so I have basically raised these kids all by myself from birth.

So I’m a one man band. (I play a mean tuba and knee-cymbals)  I’m constantly running.  My kids are slight overachievers and are involved in everything.  Sports, choir, band, theater, student government, friends.  It’s always something.  And I support that because 1.) All that shiz got my son into a phenomenal school like NYU with scholarships.  and 2.) None of my kids has even ever had detention let alone run-ins with the law or substance issues or promiscuity issues.  Oh but wait, I know there’s still time!  The youngest one is only in 8th grade, keep your fingers crossed!  But me, my job history has been less than stellar and I’ve been broke trying to juggle being there for kids and work.  I tried every trick in the book to have a job with flexibility but I didn’t always choose wisely. 😦

Having said all this EVERYBODY has something to say about this.  Everyone wants to give me their two cents when I have a mini-meltdown about how tired I am of running around.  I get everything from “only allow them one activity each” to “make them walk” to “make them wait at school while you work”.  To which I say – politely – f*ck you and mind your own business, I’m just venting.  🙂

But it’s when it comes to the special man in my life putting  in his two cents, I can’t really give him an FU if I want to keep things peaceful on the home front.  I had to explain to him how things work these days as he has never been married and has no kids.  And you know those people think they have all the answers.  hahaha  Oh I can see how he has some valuable “outside looking in” advice but yea, it doesn’t always work.

So I had to give a lesson on “The New Parent Code”.  Oh who am I kidding, we all know it’s all about the Moms.  “The New Mom Code”.

First I had to tell him that it’s a new world.  It’s not 1979 anymore where he was hitchhiking to his private high school and I was sitting at my high school for hours waiting for a ride after swim practice.  Here’s the difference…

In 1979 you could hitchike to school.  In 2013 if you hitchike you end up on a milk carton.

In 1979 you could walk anywhere anytime.  In 2013, I hate to be paranoid but there is a lot more risk.  We live in a medium sized NY city and I have 2 teenage girls.  If they are walking in a group, sure.  But alone, not so sure.  Pervs and killers seem to be more abundant these days.

In 1979 if you were a latchkey kid you could go to school early and hang out and eat your Pop Tarts and listen to your transistor radio.  In 2013 students aren’t allowed in the school until 20 minutes before school begins.  Probably to prevent all the free daycare they’d be providing.

In 1979 you could stay after school for a few hours waiting for a ride.  In 2013 they would be calling Child Protective Services on your ass to see why you haven’t picked up your kid.  Not to mention you’d get a reputation with other parents (and students) as the parent that neglects their kids, which could be a fate worse than CPS.

In 1979 you could bum a sandwich or something off a lunch tray from another kid.  In 2013 if you forgot your lunch, somebody’s calling CPS again saying you don’t feed your kid.

In 1979 you could show up at a neighbor kid’s house and ask to hang out until your parent got home.  In 2013 chances are nobody is home there because the parents are at work and the kid is at an activity because the parents work.  Also if they were home, somebody would be calling CPS on your ass again saying you leave your kids home alone.

In 1979 you could send your kid to the corner store for smokes and beer.  In 2013 a child can’t even walk in a store alone without someone questioning them… and well the beer and smokes thing stopped a long time ago.  Damnit. *snaps fingers*

In 1979 an adult could sit down and enjoy a meal while little Johnny went up to the bar to get them another Manhattan.  In 2013 a child can’t even be within like 10 feet of a bar or some such thing according to law.  For Christ’s sake how are they going to learn to be waiters as a second job to pay off their student loans some day?

In 1979 you could leave your kids home alone to go work the night shift.  In 2013, you guessed it… CPS.

In 1979 nobody’s parents ever went to any of their sporting events.  In 2013 if you don’t go your kid will cry because all the other parents go because everyone is a “helicopter parent” (a hoverer) and everyone judges you as the parent who never shows up to anything and obviously you don’t care about your kid.

In 1979 18 kids could pack into a car with one other kid driving.  No seat belts, no rules for teen drivers.  In 2013, at least in NY State a kid can only have one family member in the car or no more than one other kid at age 16, then maybe 17 you can add one more kid.  I don’t know there are so many rules now.  All I know is teens can’t carpool to school or give each other rides home anymore.

You think I’m kidding right?  No.  It’s a whole new world.  My kid can’t even wait at school or get a ride.  I try to get my children rides with other parents but you definitely need to reciprocate at some point or they will stop giving your child rides as they are “the neglected kid that always needs a ride”.  And before you know it… yup, CPS.

It’s funny how in this day and age most households have 2 parents that work.  Living expenses require two incomes now with cable, internet, cell phones and high gas bills, things we didn’t have in the past.  And with a 50% divorce rate there are a lot more single parents households.  Not to mention non-divorced single parents are very common these days when they weren’t in 1979.  However, society more than ever expects us to live like it’s 1950 and all the Mom’s stayed at home and could be available night and day.  What gives, Beave?

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