Tag Archives: life

The Only Country Club Member on Food Stamps

31 Jan

Hey! If you haven’t been following along at home, I have a podcast now! Yes, yes I do. And I just posted my 7th Episode entitled The Only Country Club Member on Food Stamps, the Story of Madge. Click below and have a listen! Funny, inspiring, a little sad, a little sex, and of course a lot of booze! Pretty entertaining stuff!

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Ep 7 The Only Country Club Member on Food Stamps, the Story of Madge

Thanks for listening and don’t forget to follow me while you’re there! Oh and share with your friends! xoxo

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Here it is! My Podcast!

6 Dec

Here it is gang! My podcast!

You’re Soaking in It with Madge

madgepodlogonew_01-1

Or Listen on SunCloud.com

Or Listen on iTunes

http://app.stitcher.com/splayer/f/124800

Why is the Path I Usually Choose to Take, Covered With Horse Sh*t”?

28 Oct

Ever wonder what the hell it is you are supposed to do in this life?

It’s been a lifelong struggle for me. Well, I mean the only thing I’m sure of that I was meant to do was be a mother. Now back in the day, no not that day, that day, it was ok to just want to grow up to be a wife, mother, homemaker. There were books and magazines dedicated to that shit. “Good Housekeeping”, “Redbook”, “How to Keep Your Husband Happy”. Then somewhere along the line, feminists threw that all out the window. To just want to get married and be a homemaker was a disgrace, a loser, a simple minded woman who couldn’t do anything else.

Ouch.

But my struggle started way before realizing that being a mother was my calling, that came later. Early on, in the 1960’s I was raised in a family of overachievers. My parents were both Penn State graduates. My Mother was a 1948 college graduate, which put her a little ahead of her time. A very intellectual, very strong woman, very driven. My Father, another driven guy, went to college, left to serve in WWII, then came back and finished college. Having no high money earning or intellectual dreams wasn’t acceptable in my family.

Soooo, lucky me, I was born creative into a family where you must choose one of the following career paths – teacher, lawyer, doctor,scientist,  engineer, counselor, nurse, or business management. I seemed to have no viable skills as I was growing up, so I thought. And if you didn’t have viable skills you were chastised, or maybe I just told myself that. Looking back, in parts of my life I was an A student… usually until boredom, anxiety or depression hit, then I tanked. I loved history, I was really good at English basics (spelling and grammar, however I later almost failed  Composition Writing in college), I was a good swimmer, and I was pretty decent in theater. Yup, so… what am I supposed to do with that? Doesn’t amount to much, so I thought.

I thought I finally figured it out in high school! I want to be an actor! That’s it! I’ve always been a ham, I crack jokes, I got the female lead in “Fiddler on the Roof”… I’ll be an actor! So, come college search time and I excitedly tell my parents I want to major in theater. Great, right? “We’re not paying for you to go to college to become a waitress”, was their reply. Exact words. Wham! Thud. A blow right between the eyes of my self-esteem, hopes and dreams.

However, in the last few years in my period of rediscovery, with no real preparation I tried auditioning for a few things and failed miserably, so maybe my parents did save me some time.

But to their credit they gave me an alternative to ponder. My Father’s brother had been the President of ABC News until his death in 1974, “Why don’t you go into broadcasting like Uncle John, that’s a new major now.”. Hey ok, I always wanted to be a DJ. It was the early 80’s it was a new thing. It was great until I got out of school and my hopes were dashed realizing that being a DJ on the radio didn’t mean you could play or say whatever you wanted. It was cue up the record, announce it, then say “we’ll be back after these messages”. Then all the corporations came in in the 1990’sand bought up the stations and I just wasn’t a good corporate, yes-man team player. I grew bitter. If I could only just be a coporate guy.

I had just gotten married and within 2 years gotten pregnant. After my son came along is when I realized I wanted to be a full-time mom. My ex-husband said no. I begged for a few years then I got to because I was on bed rest. I was happy, all the while him telling me that I was useless because I wasn’t bringing any money in. When my third baby was about 16 months old, we called it quits for good. Being “just a mom” wasn’t an option anymore. I was told I had to work. I scrambled to find something that would bring in money. I was working to cover daycare, nothing extra. How fucking stupid. I wish I’d had the guts back then to say no, until these kids all get in school I’m staying home and you’re paying. (believe me, he made enough) But I was stubborn and wanted to show I was no “freeloader”.

I jumped from one job to another over the last 13 years trying to figure out what it was I was supposed to do. However, I never really had the opportunity to find something I love,d it was always “grab the first thing so you have an income”. I was never happy, I was never really any good at any of those jobs, and I was always late or taking a sick day because to me, kids came first (they certainly didn’t to their Father, so someone had to). Sorry, a 6 year old can’t stay home vomiting by themselves. I kept taking sales related jobs because everyone thought I had such a great personality for it and had the prospect for good money. I hate sales! And I suck at it. “I wouldn’t buy this either, put your money to better use.”

About once a year or so I’d find myself looking for another job again for a variety of reasons. The main one I’m finding is because I didn’t choose wisely, I just went for the first paycheck I could find. I’m tired of that. I’ve been trying to leave that behind. I think I’ve finally found what I love but the pay is somewhat lower than craptastic right now and not enough hours. Doesn’t fit into the plan my family always told me I was supposed to take. And it’s hard when you’re trying to feed, house, and put three kids through college.

I lost a job recently that was really good pay for part-time and it was helping to keep the boat afloat. But due to cash flow problems, I was let go from that sinking ship. It was a blessing actually because it was emotionally draining for various reasons, but losing it left a big money void, so here I am once again figuring out what to do. At least I have recently been blessed with realizing that I don’t have to tow the party-line. I don’t have the pressure of believing I need to do what my parent’s thought I should do. I’ve been blessed to have several articles and books put in my path that said there are a lot of famous, brilliant, happy, and sometimes rich people that failed out of college, been fired from jobs, and had several failures in their life until they found their purpose.

Albert Einstein, Jack Kerouac, Buckminster Fuller, Lucille Ball, Bill Gates, Thomas Edison, Oprah, Emily Dickinson. All either failed school, were called dumb, been fired, or had countless business and life failures… but all ended up becoming revered in an area which they finally thrived and persevered. Yay, maybe I found a club to join, losers unite!

We’re not all conformists with a perfect path. I have accepted that I don’t conform. And that’s ok. I think. Some have gifts we haven’t quite figured out what they are yet. Some of us think we have gifts but spend too much time listening to the expectations of others. Some of us think we might have figured out the gift or purpose but just aren’t quite sure how to exactly use it and break out of the wrong path we’ve been travelling on.

Buckminster Fuller spoke of the epiphany he had after trying to kill himself because of several recent failures. He said:

“You do not belong to you. You belong to Universe. Your significance will remain forever obscure to you, but you may assume that you are fulfilling your role if you apply yourself to converting your experiences to the highest advantage of others.”

Or sometimes you realize you just really want to lay concrete for the rest of your life. That helps others, right?

Isn’t that a nice thought? I don’t know how realistic it all is, but it proves my concept of figuring out what you’re supposed to do and still try an earn a living. You guys are lucky that have a specific vocation, “I want to be a hairdresser”, bam! Fulfillment, success and money. Those of us who can’t seem to put our finger on our purpose, feel rejected. It gives me food for thought, but still doesn’t tell me what the hell I’m supposed to do.

 

 

Like a Bad Rash, Sometimes You Just Have to Wait ’til it Passes

5 Dec

Holy cow, I just realized my last post on here was November 14th.  Here it is December 5th.  Well, sorry but I had one of those “life interruption” things.  Let’s see that day (Nov. 14th) or the next day my Mother went into the hospital with pneumonia.  I hopped on a plane Saturday morning to Arizona from NY and arrived in the afternoon.  Sunday night my Mother passed away.  She was 87 years old and had been battling brain cancer since August.  She put up a valiant fight.  That was her, a feisty Irish broad.  Apple –> Tree.

So, I stayed out there for a while, had a service and all that.  Came home, had Thanksgiving… it’s a been a whirlwind of activity of which I have trudged through like a zombie.  It’s almost like I’ve been numb or it’s just been surreal.  What made it worse is we just lost my Dad last October, we weren’t even over that yet.  There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed.  There have been unexpected bouts of tears as I have passed my Mother’s favorite chocolate bar in the grocery store.  How silly is that?  But ya’ know we all have emotional triggers.

Something I never thought I’d say ever in my lifetime (yes, I know it’s a complete denial of reality but it’s how people roll sometimes)… “I don’t have any parents anymore”.  What the hell?

It makes me think though, I’m a grown ass woman saying that, and I’m devastated.  I can’t imagine a child losing a parent.  Oh my God, just breaks my heart.  Inconceivable.  God bless you to anyone who has been through it.

I keep telling myself that I’m lucky that I had them until they were 89 and 87 years old.  That’s a damn long time.  A wonderful, loving, entertaining long time.  I am very grateful.

But you know what’s funny?  I’m a GAW (again a grown ass woman) and I’m a parent of teens but my emotions have reverted to those of a 7 year old child.  As I mourn my parents’ passing, all the thoughts in my head are from my childhood.  Like automatically.  I have plenty of memories of them in my adulthood and them being grandparents to my kids but the immediate gut ones come from a closet way deep in the back warehouse of my heart labeled “childhood memories”.

I remember the visions, sounds, and smells of Mom in the kitchen, or reading on the couch, or watching TV with her eyes closed (swearing that she was still watching the program as we attempted to turn the channel) or as I was older her ironing a top for work as she was just in pants and a bra.  She’d probably kill me for that one, but that was my Mom, some stuff she just didn’t sweat.  When we (6 kids, 2 parents) were all trying to get through our daily functions and survive, Madelyn wasn’t a stickler about things, her motto was “Ya’ gotta’ do, what ya’ gotta’ do”.  That’s where I got it from.

Ya’ know what I just remembered though?  And this is funny… she of course didn’t care about traipsing through the house in various states of undress but it was absolutely essential that she put on lipstick before she got out of the car and went into an establishment.  Even if she was in yard clothes or exercise clothes.  Always the lady… except when she was in a hurry around the house.  lol  Oh Madelyn.

Well, I swore this wasn’t going to be a eulogy about my Mother, I just wanted to say how primitive our mind is sometimes.  Sometimes our emotions are very basic.  Children’s needs are basic – food, love, clothing (optional), shelter.  My primitive basic emotion of a child needing it’s Mother (and Father) has kicked in.  I try and tell myself “You’re an adult, you had them a long time, stop it.”  But that parent/child bond isn’t broken so easily.  I actually know someone who’s  Father is a convicted murderer, their head tells them he’s an evil man and has broken ties but the heart still yearns for a normal Daddy.  Those moments where Dad was nice for just a moment, and you wonder “What happened to that guy?  Couldn’t he be that guy all the time?”.  The heart has a mind of it’s own.  A child’s love is still there even when the child is 80 years old or the parent is evil.  Sometimes you have to sit with it until the hurt passes, the heart wants what the heart wants.

On a side note, my book “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!” will be FREE in Kindle Version this Friday and Saturday at Amazon.com.  Please download.  And hard copies make a great Christmas gift!

Ms. Madigan, Tear Down This Wall!

6 Aug

I’ve had a very specific pattern to my life for the past 22 years.  I’ll have like one day of calm and then 29 days of slowly escalating disaster.  It’s like that tick tick ticking of a roller coaster as it is going up to the top before it drops.  And every so often I get stuck at the top of that hill before it drops, and I’m frozen with that panic gasp you get before the coaster takes the plunge.  Imagine that feeling… and you have to sit with it for days or weeks.

Do you ever get to that state of… I just can’t try anymore?  I have a quote in my head and I just can’t place it… I think it’s Eddie Murphy imitating like a singer or someone and he’s yelling “I can’t do no mo’, I can’t do no mo’!”   Anyone know what I’m talking about?  I’m usually so good at these useless lines… it must be because I’m at the wall.

Yea, so I’m at a wall right now.  This single parenting thing never seems to right itself.  There are endless finances that I need to pull out of my ass, time after time and well… I think my ass well is running dry.  Yes, the book is doing well but I have a shitload of lost time to make up for (read: bills).  That giant lump sum of back child support  sure would come in handy right about now. (Funk soul brother, right about now… sorry that song popped into my head)  Trying to find any other kind of work has been ridiculous for a couple years now.  And some of the freelance work I’ve been doing… let’s just say I’d rather take a soak in a big vat of poo.  No offense.  But I plug away.

I hate these impasses.  They are so frustrating.  I know, I know “This too shall pass”, as my Mother has always said but I just hate being in this moment.  It’s getting a little old.  The trouble with my moments… it’s not like “Oh darn we might not be able to go on that vacation this year”  My moments are like “We’re gonna’ get evicted” or “Sorry you can’t go back to school, I didn’t get the financial aid”

I think what I’m trying to say is… I’m not happy.  There is so much I want to do and be and I feel like my feet are stuck in concrete.  I know I can do it.

waterboy-you-can-do-it

I know I can have everything I want, but I’m stuck.  It’s not like I’m a miserable human being (I know some of you think otherwise… douchetotes), I’m happy with who I am, what I’ve become, and the love I can share.  But man this scraping by with 3 kids to raise by myself has gotten old.  I’m tired, y’all.  Not from raising the kids exactly, but the struggle for food and shelter… Jesus Christ, you’d think that would be pretty easy.  I adore my kids, I wish I could be a stay at home mom again (which I was for a minute about 13 years ago).  Raising children has been the biggest success and source of pure joy in my life.  But man how I wish I had a medical or law degree and had the steady coin.

It’s so frustrating, because I feel like I’m on the verge of something great or success or true joy… or maybe it’s just gas.  But I’m stuck.  Ok I need your help, how do I break through this wall?  Besides having a telethon for  myself?  And it can’t involve spending any money… ‘cuz homey ain’t got none.  So… give me your best advice…

Oh but first I have a small announcement to make… in a few weeks I have another book coming out!  It’s just a short companion piece to my recently published book “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!” .  Stay tuned!

And btdubs, if you have already read the book, reviews are always appreciated on Amazon and Goodreads.  Thanks!

A Sightly Interesting Announcement From Madge…

20 Sep

Thanks for coming over to see what all the fuss is about!  So, I have a little announcement…

After much prodding from others, and a need to add something legitimate to my writing resume, I am… writing a book.

Yes, After writing blogs for 7 years, I decided to do something constructive (one would think) with my stories.  So I have a book that’s in the editing stages and I hope to have it out in time to make a great holiday gift!  I figure if Snooki can write a book, so can I!

The book is a collection of re-worked blog posts with some additional content and summary lessons.  The content mostly focuses on overcoming adversity in regard to relationships, finances, children, and career, all with a big dose of humor.    And the working title is…

“When Life Gives You Lemons… At Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!”

 

In recent years I’ve been dragged kicking and screaming over to the bright side.  I’ve had no choice but to stare that bright side in the face and decide to make the best of whatever life brings.  However, for years I did find strange comfort in soaking in the hot tub of the dark dreary side of life, you know the one that drunk spring break couples got nasty in?  (that was a metaphor kids, I didn’t really hang out in a skanky hot tub)  It was easier (so I thought) to expect the worst and be angry at the world.  I honestly don’t know how some of you folks put up with me.  Obviously some didn’t, if you take a look at my dating resume.  Oy.

I don’t claim to be all self-righteous and pretend “Madge Knows Best”.  What I do know is I made some mistakes along the way, as well as some good decisions too.  I hope others can gain some insight from the lessons I’ve learned because things always seem a little more manageable when you know someone else has been through it and survived.  I also give helpful hints on things like which douchecopters to stay away from and how to prevent your kids from becoming A-holes, like those kids down the street.

I’ll keep you all updated.  Any questions, feel free to ask!

 

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