Tag Archives: bad valentines

Fun With Vintage Creepy Valentine Cards!

11 Feb

Remember in elementary school when you bought (or rather your mother bought) that box of small Valentine’s Day cards and you filled out each one with a name of a classmate and then signed your name?  Remember how you would carefully choose the coolest, cutest, favoritest character ones?  Then if you waited too long to go buy them, you had to pick from whatever was left like some lame Tom & Jerry shit or that ratchet ho Strawberry Shortcake?  And the messages sucked.

As an adult I love to use little kids Valentines and make them sound inappropriate. Here are some retro Valentines that I would love to see brought back for modern use because, well… they’re odd and more left open to interpretation. You wanna’ be a perv? Knock yourself out with some of these. You wanna’ be cutesy and corny? You’ve struck pay dirt here…


  1. Mrs valentine

Oh yes, because we gals are all still going to college solely for our MRS degrees.


2. typing valentine

Perhaps if you sat in a more ergonomic way, you could…


3. condenser valentine

I don’t even… What the fuck is this?


4. Hunting Valentine

From the “Serial Killer Valentine Collection”… Creepy.


5. Nut valentine

The 2016 Tinder version of this Valentine would be “Lick These Nuts Valentine”… which would be followed by a picture of nuts NOT of the plant variety…


6. Astronaut valentine

Now THAT is some genius copy writing, right there…


7. Liz Taylor valentine

To see Liz later in life, she must have been compensated a lifetime of Whitman’s Chocolates for this ad…

Liz FAt



8. Cat pussy

All the Freudian images you need… cats and licking. Your gal will be purring…


9. Vegan Valentine

For the Vegans…


10. Sock valentine

Nothing says love like a dirty, worn out sock. Especially if it’s the one he uses in “private time”…


Happy Valentine’s Day from your old pal Madge. Feel free to add any fun Valentines’ you find down in the comments…



10 Things To Never Ever Do on Valentine’s Day

13 Feb

Who gives a shit about Valentine’s Day?


Well, really a lot of people do.  And I would say 50% of those “people” are women.  10% are men who fear they will never hear the end of it if they don’t do something spectacular for their woman.  10% are men who just met a woman and are desperately trying to impress her.  And the other 30% are gay men in love, like, or lust.

Yes, you’d think that the percentage of women might be higher but it’s not really.  Ok, yes when females are younger, we care.  Who didn’t sit anxiously by that paper bag taped to your desk in elementary school, waiting to see the bounty you would reap?  “Oh I wonder if Suzie will have those yummy chocolates taped to her cards again this year?”  “I wonder if Billy will write something special on his Flinstone’s card to me?  I Yaba-daba-do like you!”  “I wonder if Patty will skip me because she’s a jerk?”

Then when we little darlings were in our pubescent glory in junior high, we wondered who would slip a little Valentine into our locker.  Yes, you could always count on sweet loyal Wendy, she’d make up hand written cards to all her girlfriends to wish them a great day.  Ok, that’s great but is Stevie gonna’ put a note in my locker?  Will he ask me to check a box yes or no if I like him?  My 13 year old self had an aneurysm, a myocardial infarction, and a  nervous breakdown waiting for the results.

Which brings us to high school.  You wondered if your boyfriend would bring flowers to school or tape something romantic to your locker.  Maybe take you to a special Valentine’s dinner at Howard Johnson’s.  Nothing says love like fried clam strips or a clamwich, after all.  The side effects were slightly less than junior high, no aneurysm was suffered.

College… you hoped for some romance but everybody was just mostly hoping to get laid.


Early 20s?  That was a little more fun because now the guys have a little bit of money… and we could get laid.  Come on, that’s pretty much what it was about at that age and you know it.  I had a great Valentine’s Day once, I actually got 3 different surprises.  I was working at a TV station and first I received a cool exotic contemporary flower arrangement from a guy I had gone on several dates with over the last like 6 weeks.  Next I got a dozen roses from a guy that I had a lengthy “complicated” thing with whom I had just left behind when I moved from North Carolina to NY.  Then I received a gift bag with a rose, a teddy bear, and something else I can’t remember from a guy I had met about 2 weeks before and had gone out with a couple times.  That guy would later become my husband.  That was my ultimate spoiled princess dream that I will never have again, but it was cool to have just once. 🙂  But to stay neutral and keep my options open and be a good girl, no one got laid that night.

Oh, it was a balloon, the other thing in the gift bag was a balloon. (which I hate but I married him anyway, should have been a sign)

Late 20s and 30s, just married… oh what romantic thing will my husband do?  Gotta’ send flowers to the office, no ifs ands or buts, it’s all about impressing the co-workers.  Seriously.  Romantic overnight?  Aw, ain’t love grand?

30s and 40s and divorce.  A slight reversion back to high school with a new flame… will he or won’t he?  With a side dish of college… hope to get laid.

Late 40s… I don’t really care.  Flowers would be nice.  How about just don’t make me cook or do the dishes for once?

Heart band

We’ll see what comes next.  Maybe the nursing home will be like elementary school but we’ll have paper bags taped to our wheelchairs.

However, I do know that at any age there are just a few things you DO NOT WANT TO DO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ON VALENTINE’S DAY, unless your goal is to be a complete dick…


1.  Ask for a divorce.

2. Give fake/cloth/silk  flowers.  Unless it’s somehow an inside joke or related to something that’s happened between you two.

3. Break up with someone.

4. Try to go out to eat without a reservation.  There is nowhere to have dinner anywhere, ever at anytime if you did not make a reservation ahead of time on Valentine’s Day.  Seriously, no exceptions.  It even takes an extra hour to get a pizza delivered, and the line at McDonald’s?  Forget about it.

5. Go out with your mistress instead of your wife or girlfriend.  Yea, had that happen.

6. Be ungrateful.  Ladies, don’t be an ungrateful bitch even if he does the smallest thing.  At least he tried.  Or maybe he made as little effort as possible, whatever you’ll live.  If he does nothing, eh you can be a little disappointed but don’t dwell on it or “make him pay”.  That’s twatty and catty.  Just get over it.

7. Ask her to make a sandwich for you after you just pounded her.  Unless she offers…

8. Give the “I hate Valentine’s Day, it’s just a capitalistic holiday made up by the man” speech, when you know the other party kind of likes the day.  That’s just douchie and sends the message that you’re just too unimaginative to come up with a gift and/or too cheap.  Not to mention a little miserable.  Lighten up and enjoy the day with your sweetie ya’ tight ass…

9. Tell your wife you don’t get enough sex from her and then turn her down when she tries to create a candlelit roll in the hay on V-Day.  *ahem*  Yea, that’s when she’ll figure out you’re having the affair.

10. Fall asleep while putting the kids to bed.  If you have little ones, attempt to stay awake so you can get into bed with your loved one and do a little snuggling.  Even if you hate the day, set aside some quality time to show you care.  That’s really all it is.  Even if you’re man says he hates the day, he’ll appreciate the gesture and a little bit goes a long way.

hart to hart

No matter what stage you’re at or if you do or don’t get you some… Here’s hoping you all have a great Valentine’s Day!


Question:  Do you care about Valentine’s Day?  Did you ever have a great one or a terrible one?

heart balloon


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