Remember in elementary school when you bought (or rather your mother bought) that box of small Valentine’s Day cards and you filled out each one with a name of a classmate and then signed your name? Remember how you would carefully choose the coolest, cutest, favoritest character ones? Then if you waited too long to go buy them, you had to pick from whatever was left like some lame Tom & Jerry shit or that ratchet ho Strawberry Shortcake? And the messages sucked.
As an adult I love to use little kids Valentines and make them sound inappropriate. Here are some retro Valentines that I would love to see brought back for modern use because, well… they’re odd and more left open to interpretation. You wanna’ be a perv? Knock yourself out with some of these. You wanna’ be cutesy and corny? You’ve struck pay dirt here…
Oh yes, because we gals are all still going to college solely for our MRS degrees.
Perhaps if you sat in a more ergonomic way, you could…
I don’t even… What the fuck is this?
From the “Serial Killer Valentine Collection”… Creepy.
The 2016 Tinder version of this Valentine would be “Lick These Nuts Valentine”… which would be followed by a picture of nuts NOT of the plant variety…
Now THAT is some genius copy writing, right there…
To see Liz later in life, she must have been compensated a lifetime of Whitman’s Chocolates for this ad…
All the Freudian images you need… cats and licking. Your gal will be purring…
For the Vegans…
Nothing says love like a dirty, worn out sock. Especially if it’s the one he uses in “private time”…
Happy Valentine’s Day from your old pal Madge. Feel free to add any fun Valentines’ you find down in the comments…
Holy Mary Mother of God, where has the time gone? Well I have just had a boatload of things going on in my life, lots of writing projects and the big time-sucker was buying a house. I’ve been working on the house like crazy, and well I’m in love with my little house.
However, this past weekend I had a wicked horrible virus and was trapped in the house and was forced to view the Super Bowl from my couch as I was prisoner of other’s viewing pleasure. But as a pop culture aficionado, I like to tune in anyway just to catch a glimpse of the Busby Berkeley spectacle that is called the half-time show, just so I know what others are talking about at the proverbial water cooler.
This year was God-awful. Not a huge Katy Perry fan, just think she’s over-exposed, and not just her breasts. Hiyo! I’m just sick of hearing her very purposefully crafted pop songs everywhere and seeing her “Look at me, I’m so cutesie and quirky with big cans”. I don’t hate her, I’m just tired of her. Ya’ know like Taylor Swift. Anyway, the performance was so blatantly G rated,it looked like Disney and Nickelodeon had a baby and it was so sterile you could eat off it. Way over produced and choreographed. Just not my thing. It was like a modern day version of Up With People. However, Missy Elliott kicked ass. I wish she was the main performer. Although it was a bit of a non-sequitor, did they just like draw names out of a hat to see who would perform? “Let’s see who no one has seen in a while and will be so dumbfounded they won’t care about Katy Perry’s ugly outfits?”
But this got me to thinking, when did all this schlocky half-time nonsense start? Well, there is a definite, very specific turn of events that brought on the schlock but we have precursors and foreshadowing. Allow me to demonstrate…
According to Wikipedia, Super Bowl I in 1967 half-time performers included: University of Arizona Symphonic Marching Band, Grambling State University Marching Band (always a kick ass show), Al Hirt (trumpet dude), and the Arcadia High School Drill Team and Flag Girls. What an extravaganza! And go figure, their setlist featured John Phillip Souza’s “The Liberty Bell March”, better known as the theme song to Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Take note of AM radio favorite at the time Al Hirt as a sign of things to come. (cue ominous music)
College marching bands were the regular fare until 1970, when another pop culture figure was slipped into the show. They brought in a shocker with that rabble-rouser Carol Channing! Edgy, edgy, edgy. No doubt she sang that tribute to devil worship, “Hello Dolly!”
The 1970’s stayed pretty constant with marching bands, the annoying Stepford Children’s chorus that was “Up With People”, and the occasional broadway or AM radio star – Andy Williams, Ella Fitzgerald, more Carol Channing, more Up With People. Not much change.
The 1980’s was pretty much more of the same – marching bands, Up With You Know Who, Disney produced crap, Mickey Rooney, George Burns… and then I think somebody got bored around 1987. They tried to get edgy again with Chubby Checker and the Rockettes. Nothing says hip like featuring a performer who’s last hit was 25 years earlier. Then in 1989 they featured the shenanigans of something or someone called Elvis Presto and some 3-D card tricks. WTF? Too much cocaine that year, apparently.
1990 was a tried and true marching band perhaps due to a prestidigitation fail from the previous year. But 1991… 1991 was the culprit. 1991 was the year it all went to hell. The sons of bitches at Disney go and bring in New Kids on the Block. There went the bar. That bar was set higher than the Empire State Building and producers have been chasing it ever since… and I hate them for that. I completely missed the half-time show that year because I was travelling from one party to another since my beloved hometown boys the Buffalo Bills were in the game, everyone was having a party. Don’t get me started on that heartbreaker against the Giants. I’m verklempt.
Anyway, that was it. Game over. The following is a list of the crap left in the half-time wake…
1992 – Gloria Estefan
1993 – Michael Jackson
1994 – Clint Black, Tanya Tucker, The Judds, Travis Tritt
1995 – (a mish mash that seemed to have strayed) Patti LaBelle, Indiana Jones & Marion Ravenwood, Tony Bennett, Teddy Pendergrass, Arturo Sandoval and Miami Sound Machine. Tha hell?
1996 – Diana Ross
1997 – Blues Brothers (sans a dead John Belushi), ZZ Top, James Brown
1998 – Boyz II Men, Smokey Robinson, Martha Reeves, The Temptations, Queen Latifah, and just for old time’s sake Grambling State University Band.
1999 – Gloria Estefan, Stevie Wonder, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Savion Glover (these last 2 years sound entertaining)
You can find the rest of the list here. I’m sure you all have vague memories of the past 15 years. It was basically whoever was on top of the charts – Aerosmith, Britney Spears, Phil Collins, Janet Jackson, No Doubt, Sting, Justin Timberlake, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Prince, etc.
Thankfully, the had the decorum to use the half-time show in January of 2002 to pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 that had just taken place 4 months before. However, they used U2 as the performer to deliver the goods. Eh, I guess when you want somber and self-righteous you bring Bono in.
So, I guess we have 1991 and Jordan, Jonathan, Joey, Donnie and Danny to thank. (seriously I had to look that up, they were a little passed my time, although I do like Donnie now, thanks to Wahlburgers on A&E) . Actually I blame Disney, they produced the show that year. I pretty much blame them for everything evil in our society. It will be interesting to see what’s in the years to come, with each year trying to top the last. I wonder how long we’ll have to wait for Jesus, Gandhi, Elvis, and Mr. Bojangles to appear as the half-time super group? Oh trust me, with holograms it will happen in my lifetime.
I became acquainted with a very interesting gentleman on the internet by way of me leaving a not so favorable review of a Kindle Single he had written on Amazon.com. The review was favorable for the story but not so for the main character, which happened to be the author. He responded to my comment and an exchange began and I better understood him. It turns out my views were fueled by my own experience, which actually meant the author did his job, he made me feel.
Let’s back up, what is a Kindle Single, you may ask? They are short stories or works between 5,000 and 30,000 words, a sort of novella only available in digital version using Kindle or an online reader. Works are submitted or chosen by Amazon and promoted by them. Not just anyone can sell a Kindle Single, it’s pretty much like they are a publisher and they say yay or nay. It has become quite lucrative for some.
So, enter Mishka Shubaly. Mishka has written seven, count ’em 7, best selling Kindle Singles! The poster boy for Amazon Kindle Single success stories has recently published his seventh hit Of Mice and Me.
I absolutely loved this story. I read it from beginning to end in just a few hours, I couldn’t put it down. The description from Amazon is most accurate…
“At 37, writer/musician Mishka Shubaly thought his life was going great. He had a beautiful new girlfriend and sudden prosperity as an author. But when he adopts an orphaned infant mouse, his world is turned on its head. The mouse comes to symbolize everything left unresolved in his life — his relationship with his divorced parents, his fear of family and commitment, and his inability to feel true happiness and love. By turns hilarious and moving, Mishka Shubaly’s latest Kindle Single captures the journey we all take in life — from being loved, to giving love.”
While clearing brush he finds a baby mouse in dire straits and somehow feels compelled (maybe guilt) to help the mouse. Help turns into care and nurturing, which haven’t been natural instincts for Mishka thus far in his life having never been married nor a parent and being a recovering addict. It’s funny, it’s moving, it’s insightful. I highly recommend this Kindle Single. I also recommend all of his other works which can be found here at Mishka Shubaly’s Author Page on Amazon.com.
As an added bonus, I had an interview with Mishka to gain more insight on the author and Kindle Singles, excerpts are below… (my questions/comments in bold)
Holy cow, it’s been a while eh? Well it’s been an action-packed six weeks or so for me.
Most of August was spent caring for my significant other as he had to undergo surgery for prostate cancer. Everything eventually turned out ok, and we are monitoring things over the next few months to make sure it isn’t anywhere else. He was in the hospital for almost a week as he had developed an infection, so it was a little stressful.
I also had to get my son home from working at camp in Massachusetts and then get him back to school at NYU. Then had to prepare my 2 daughters for back to high school. I’ve also been crazy busy with my new position as Associate Editor at Rochester Woman Magazine.
Soooo… how’ve you all been?
Other than that stuff, it’s been kind of and emotional week or two. A lot has happened that has little to nothing to do with me but I find it emotional… and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me?
For one, Robin Williams. Enough said. Then Joan Rivers died. I enjoyed watching Fashion Police every Friday night, and her shows after each award show were a must-see. I saw her in a whole new light after I saw a documentary on her about a year ago called “Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work”. That woman had been through everything, was educated and had to fight her way into show biz. She worked like a fiend and was a fantastic writer. She wrote every day. She was an entrepreneur who wasn’t happy unless her schedule was full from dusk ’til… dusk. She was a role model and idol to me. I was very sad. I was so sad this week after Martina Navratilova proposed to her girlfriend… Joan would have had a helluva’ joke. She had the best lesbian jokes.
Also a police officer was killed in the line of duty here in my city of Rochester, NY. A 32 year old young man, with 2 young children and a wife. Gunned down by some piece of shit parolee that he was chasing. All kinds of pomp and circumstance and rituals and traditions. Such dignity and honor, somber yet uplifting. Moving, really. But so sad. It really hit my heart hard.
You may have seen the unresponsive plane that went flying through Cuban airspace and then crashed off the coast of Jamaica? The two people in the plane that died were a lovely couple that belonged to our country club and pillars of the community. I was glued to the TV feeling dread while they followed the plane. She built a catalog company from the ground up, he was a millionaire real estate developer that was re-building downtown Rochester. Only in their late 60’s. Just nice decent folks.
Then all the stuff with Ray and Janay Rice. Geez, what do you say? You watch the video and you’re just… in disbelief. You wanna’ knock him out and you want to cry. Then she comes out with that “Why you gotta’ hurt my man and me?” statement and I just wanted to… take her away, or shake her, or tell her how that’s not how she deserves to be treated. I know how hard it is to leave. The batterer threatens the woman that if she leaves he’ll kill her or the kids or himself. Leaving is scary, whether it’s fear for your safety or fear of losing financial stability. It brought back old memories that just turned my stomach in knots.
So, why do I get so emotional about stuff? I guess maybe because I was born with a caring heart, which sometimes makes me a big ole pushover and let’s others take advantage of me, it also makes me waste energy on caring about people that have no idea who I am. But I guess it’s good, it’s good to feel things, experience a full range of emotions, that’s living life to it’s fullest. It’s also made me a good parent.
Although sometimes I wish I didn’t care because I could probably be further in business. Sociopaths (people who don’t have empathy) are usually the most successful people. It’s true, I read it on the interwebz. I probably also wouldn’t spend more time than I wanted to on men I didn’t really want to date. ha I mean sorry but I’ve had more than my share of pity dates (I’m sure I’ve been the recipient of some too), I’ve also spent much much longer than I wanted to painfully listening to a guy in a bar telling me all about his love of Nickleback (Ack), just because I thought it was rude to walk away. In the meantime, Prince Charming who made a witty remark to me and was waiting for me to come back to the bar had already left. Sad face.
I guess it’s good to have a big heart but it can also be emotionally exhausting. I’ve learned how to curb it, I don’t let it consume me and I don’t bring it up to others (most of the time) because I don’t want to seem like I like to insert myself into emotional stuff just to get attention. Like some sort of Munchausen Syndrome. I bring it up today because well, I’m kind of curious if I’m a freak or not. I’ve always been this way. Tomorrow is 9/11, guaranteed I will have a bout of tears just like I have every 9/11 since 2001. Is that weird? Do I like humans too much? I wish I could give the whole world a hug… and maybe a reach-a-round if they’re lucky.
Maybe it’s just PMS. A lot.
Please take care of yourselves and each other. That is all.
Well it looks like I’m coming out of the closet.
Oh no honey not that, although you all know I frequent gay bars but it’s because I’m a hag not a participant. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, to quote Jerry Seinfeld.
Ok anyway, I’m coming out as a proponent of free speech.
See, I come from a long line of wildly rabid Kennedy Democrats. Yes, I am a bit left-leaning. In my youth I was much more so, now as I’ve gotten older I’m a little more moderate. Back in the day, I hated Ronald Reagan with a passion, nowadays… I still kind of hate him but with less fervor. 🙂
Anyway, today a local radio morning show team was fired because they went on a rant the other day about the new City of Rochester policy to cover essentially “sex change operations” and related services under the city employees health insurance. These two brain trusts went on a rant about how these people were nutjobs and they made dick jokes and such. Backlash ensued, at first they were suspended, now canned. Read about it here:
Now, I am ridiculously sensitive about letting people live and let live, I wish the world didn’t see color, religion, or sexual preference. Granted I trash talk some people now and again but I try not to demean their whole being. I will talk about what they do was stupid. But what they said was just insensitive and sophomoric. Especially talking about a local transgender high school kid on a softball team and his “extra bat”. Just dumb.
However… I fear our country has been venturing into dangerous territory. Every time I turn around there is some other public figure putting their foot in their mouth and people are demanding for their head on a platter. I just think it’s getting a little out of hand.
Now hear my out. I loathe racists and biggots. I used to hate on them back, which isn’t any better than what they do quite frankly. Well I feel, anyway. Now I just shake my head and hope they see the light someday. If I am in the presence of someone making a biggoted remark, I try to fight for the cause by saying, “Well that’s not a very nice thing to say. Why would you say that?” Not to jump all over their shit but to let them know it’s not cool.
Take the whole Donald Sterling thing. You know, the Magic-Johnson-hating owner of the Clippers? Yes, he’s an asshole, no I’m not condoning him. And tell me you didn’t know about 5 Dads on your block when you were growing up who spoke just like him. No, it doesn’t make it right but don’t people have a right to be assholes in America? I mean… ok bad example, if he is jacking up people’s livelihoods by being racist then yea, he deserves to have his team taken away. Need to do more homework on that.
But like entertainers. The sportscaster that made the remark about the “chink” in the armor in the same paragraph as a story about Jeremy Lin the Asian basketball player who was on a hot streak a while ago. He got canned. Really? Poor taste, maybe. I personally think the remark was a stretch in being related. The network didn’t even think about it until the public started calling for his head.
See, that’s my problem. All these people in an uproar whenever they hear something they don’t like. It doesn’t make it right, but the world is filled with shit you don’t want to hear. It’s like that kid that runs around to all the adults “Jimmy said a bad word!” Many of these people are put on the air or become public figures because of their words and opinions. Let them use their words even if they attempt to make a tasteless joke. It might educate us on what a tasteless joke is and how hurtful it can be… and how dumb you look when you say it. Now if people are calling for you to go kill or hurt somebody, that’s another thing.
I read this great article here:
It’s regarding the recent rash of schools cancelling commencement speakers because of pressure from the student body over something they didn’t like about the speaker. You know, I used to be one of these kids who would say “I don’t want that guy speaking at our school, he’s an asshole and he supported the war!” Now I agree, you might learn something new by listening to someone you don’t agree with. I mean, I’d still be probably sitting there stewing about how much the person irritates me but I’ll listen. Hey, just being honest. I just think we’re getting into a bad habit of trying to silence people we don’t agree with.
Yes, it’s a slippery slope. No, I don’t want to hear the leader of the KKK speak at a commencement. But ya’ know what… maybe I would. I would love to hear what the hell his problem is. I would be interested to see what makes him tick. Some would argue, “Don’t give him a platform!” I say, let’s see if maybe he’ll see the error of his ways. (naive, I know) I would love to see the Grand Wizard of the KKK forced to speak at the Howard University commencement. I would love for him to face a sea of successful and smart African Americans. I’m sure most people would want to jump up and rip him to pieces, literally. But, it’s an interesting thought.
I just hate this entitlement thing we’re headed toward. The “I don’t have to listen to anything I don’t want to” thing. It’s fine if you don’t want to, just don’t go, turn the channel, or don’t read. It’s not your God-given right to dictate what everyone else should hear, read, or watch. Will we get to the point where your co-workers go to your boss and tell him to fire you because you listen to Dave Matthews in your cubicle because they find it offensive? Personally I find DMB offensive to my ears, but I will defend your right to listen to annoying music.
I’ll probably get my Democrat card taken away, but I just believe that a democracy includes free speech. I’m not gonna’ go out and donate to the ACLU or anything. I just believe that assholes will get what’s coming to them, I don’t believe we need a public lynching for being rude, crass, or insensitive.