I wish I was romantic. Not necessarily in relationships but in life. Ya’ know like those in love with life people? Would I feel better if I did?
Ya’ know what I mean, it’s like people who post stuff like this on Facebook:
And then like all their friends leave all these comments under the picture… “Gorgeous!” “Amen!” “That’s how I feel!” “Inspirational” “Love!”
Me? My reaction?
“Who gives a shit?”
*Crickets* Those pics mean absolutely nothing to me. I just keep scrolling down my feed lookin’ for dick jokes. (not literally, it’s just a metaphor for “off color” jokes, dicks aren’t that entertaining to me, errr wait…) While to some other people those pics inspire and warm their heart. I just feel… nothing.
I never really thought about it before but… I wish they did elicit a response from me. Maybe it’s my cynicism? Well, I’m not really that cynical anymore, just I don’t know, I guess I lead more with my head than my heart. Well I can be like warm and fuzzy. I mean sometimes I do. I think. Like babies… babies make me stop dead in my tracks and grin from ear to ear. I want to love them and hold them and pet them and call them George. (5 bonus points to anyone who gets that) That’s about the extent of my involuntary warm and fuzzies. Well, also when my kids do something sweet or wonderful or makes me proud that’s a given, but that’s it.
I’m not a cold fish by any means but my heart just ain’t “swellin'” right now, if you know what I mean? I think it has to do with what my life has been like for the past 20 some years. I’ve either been destitute, struggling, alone, or in a chilly relationship. I guess I haven’t had much time or need to “swell”. I mean, I think I did, like when my kids were little. I do remember being “joyful”, I guess that’s the word I’m looking for… being joyful. I was joyful a handful of times when I stayed at home, my babies were little and cute and smart, and my ex wasn’t being a nasty drunk and we had money. I think that was approximately 3 different days in a 22 year stretch. Ok, maybe 6 times, I remember having an absolute euphoric feeling right after I gave birth to each of my 3 kids. I’m still in love with my babies but it gets hard now that they are teens and can be in those “get the hell away from me Mom” moods.
And no offense to my current situation, but he knows we just have a very love/hate thing going on. We’re both extremely sarcastic and neither of us is particularly happy with our lives or situation at the moment so, yea it’s no lovefest. Never has been really, he, or we together just aren’t that way. You know how some guys just aren’t mushy? I can be mushy…? But I think we have too much underlying animosity to be mushy. I’d love to be mushy and romantic.
I know I was at one time, I had some old notes that my high school boyfriend and I had written back and forth. I wore rose colored glasses at one point. But does looking at the world romantically have everything to do with your relationships? Does joy only form from our loins? Maybe not, I’ve had sex that produced no joy. Well, I do think relationships have a lot to do with it. I mean my relationships in the past 25 years have either been with men who are sarcastic and emotionally unavailable or guys who just want to do me. Ya’ know, no emotional involvement whatsoever, just a sexual tryst. I’ve had a lot men wanting the latter, maybe I should stop showing so much cleavage. Hmmm. You reap what you sow? So, what’s to be joyful about? I’d like to be cherished… is that still a thing? Do people still do that?
I know it’s that old chestnut… start thinking a certain way and that’s what you’ll attract or whatever. It’s the old chicken and egg thing… I need to start thinking joyful and romantic and that will bring that into my life? I’d like to but I guess all I keep thinking is warm beer, stale chips, and unemotional men. Maybe I should think champagne, caviar, and love? Ugh, that’s too much like work.
So how do you get yourself to feel that way? Any suggestions? I was raised on a healthy diet of Irish negativity and sarcasm, it’s kind of hard to break the cycle but I think I’d like to give it a go. And please don’t steer me to that “The Secret” thing… I read that a while ago, it just didn’t click with me. I tried to visualize and all that but I don’t know it just didn’t “change my life” like some people say. I’m just not one to buy into schools of thought like The Secret or Tony Robbins or any other methods. Maybe I’m just depressed and need more pills. Jesus Christ, that’s all I need.
So… anybody else feel this way or is it just me? Do any one of you feel joy when you look at those pics? I’d love for you to tell me what it’s like…