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The Only Country Club Member on Food Stamps

31 Jan

Hey! If you haven’t been following along at home, I have a podcast now! Yes, yes I do. And I just posted my 7th Episode entitled The Only Country Club Member on Food Stamps, the Story of Madge. Click below and have a listen! Funny, inspiring, a little sad, a little sex, and of course a lot of booze! Pretty entertaining stuff!

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Ep 7 The Only Country Club Member on Food Stamps, the Story of Madge

Thanks for listening and don’t forget to follow me while you’re there! Oh and share with your friends! xoxo

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Seriously, This is Dating at 50? I’d Like a Refund…

13 Oct

(WARNING: This blog is filled with loads of sarcasm. If you don’t speak sarcasm, please turn back now.)

So yea, dating. I’ve been doing it a little bit… very little. In fact I don’t know if you can call most of what I’ve been doing dating. I mostly spectate as men try to get me in bed. Yea, I think that’s pretty accurate. Men don’t take women on dates anymore. And I wasn’t notified beforehand!

Dating at 50… you’d think it would be a lot more dignified. Nope. It’s pretty much the same as it was at 20, 30, 40. Now don’t start with the bullshit of, “You’ll find it when you least expect it”, “You’re looking in the wrong places”… I’m not even looking right now! The only attempts I’ve made are I occasionally swipe on Tinder, mostly when I’m bored and sitting in a waiting room for something. But no one ever talks on there. I get matched up and then no one ever sends a message. And screw it, I’m not sending a message. I’m convinced everyone else is doing the same thing I am and just browsing. And when a guy does finally send a message it’s something lame like “Hi”. Jesus, have some fucking game, dude!

I don’t belong to any other site. I was a non-paying customer on Plenty of Fish for a brief moment but I realized it should be called Plenty of Chum… there sure weren’t any good fish on there. Where are the yummy salmon, ahi tuna, swordfish, and whatever fancy high end fish there are out there? I felt like I was fishing in the Erie Canal and just left with my bait (chum) or catching the occasional carp.

So, I go out with friends, or I just do my usual social media for my personal brand and I have men approach me.  That’s the “action” I get. You’d think at 50 there would be lots of wining and dining. Nope. Instead there are a whole lot of dudes who are bitter and starting over, maybe living in a room above a friends’s garage, at odds with their children and bitching about child support. *sigh* And their idea of a date is “Let’s go to your place and bang, ‘cuz I have a roommate”. Seriously? No, thank you. Sitting at home with my thumb up my ass sounds loads more enticing. Look, I’m not looking for a sugar daddy or Daddy Warbucks but is it so hard to find a guy in a good place in life – happy, financially stable, sexually functioning, and wants to go out for a nice cocktail or meal? Crap, I’ll even settle for appetizers! I’ll pay half, even! I think society has just made it easy to put in as little effort as possible into anything anymore.

It’s like a bad joke, the more stable I become, the more everyone falls apart around me. Ha. Again, don’t give me the lecture about I’m looking for things I don’t deserve and being a gold digger, that’s not the case and you know it. Screw you, I’m 50, have a career, have kids in college, own a home, own a car, volunteer… I think I’m worth something beyond “Netflix and Chill”.  I’ve learned that you get what you feel you deserve, but that somehow hasn’t worked out yet.

However, I’m  just not into “searching” right now. I’d just like to meet new people. I go to events for work a lot, black ties and whatnot, but they are always women’s causes and issue and there aren’t any men there… well ones that haven’t been dragged by their wife, anyway. I have tons of gay friends, but hanging at gay bars has and will net me zero, obviously.  I’ve tried going to do interesting things – classes, groups. Nothing. Usually a lot of Star Wars collectors living in their parents’s basement and cat ladies. It’s not like in the movies or TV. At this point, I have no idea where the guys that butter my biscuit, float my boat, or lift my luggage are and where I would come in contact with them.

Look, I’m not better than anyone else, far from it. I’m sure I’ve been pegged as chum on Plenty of Fish myself. (btw, dude that did that – go fuck yourself) But it’s just a weird place to be in at 50. I don’t feel 50, I don’t look 50, I finally have my shit together, finances could be much better but I’m on the upswing and managing, I’m hip, I’ve got energy, I’m intelligent, I’ll make ya’ laugh, my boobs are still above the Equator… so, what am I missing?

As my trusted life consultant Life Coach Amy White says… it’s just not my time. And I agree. I used to fight people tooth and nail and get mad when they told me that, but I finally accept it. It’s just time for me to accomplish other things right now. There is not supposed to be a man to distract me or to give me an excuse not to accomplish my dreams. Like finishing the book I have coming out in a few weeks… stay tuned! And by the way, you MUST have a session with my friend Amy, she will change your life!

Aw crap, ok whatever. I’ll just sit and wait until whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I can’t believe I’m saying that. I mean, I’m not waiting for “the one” or “a serious relationship” or a “knight in shining armor”. I just want a date with a gentleman who gives me butterflies. Really, that’s all. It would be a bonus if it also included a mind-blowing romp at some point but hey, a girl can dream. So, I sit and dream and make other dreams come true in the meantime…

STAY TUNED FOR ANNOUNCEMENT ON MY NEW BOOK COMING OUT NEXT MONTH!

Don’t Pee on My Leg and Tell Me it’s Raining… and Other Douchebaggery.

7 Nov

A couple housekeeping notes…

I have a new little book out!  A very little book.  It’s a short book of haiku entitled

I Got Yer Haiku Right Here

Front cover

Kindle version only $.99!  Buy it here.

And don’t forget about my other book When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!”

Also going to be in Manhattan this weekend at my colleague’s book launch party…

Christina Rasmussen:  Second Firsts – Live, Laugh, and Love Again  a book on surviving loss.  I did a promotional video for her on YouTube for her 30 Days of Hope project.

So, with all that crap out of the way…

I’ve started doing some work for a non-profit that deals with domestic violence prevention and transition after the fact.  I’m doing their marketing and development.  I had to go to a seminar yesterday with a bunch of speakers on various subjects involving domestic violence.

A lot of the subject matter was like “yea, I already know that” and some stuff was validating because it told me I wasn’t crazy and yes he did that.  Which, believe it or not we don’t always know.  People can convince you of some crazy stuff if you love them too much or they manipulate you enough.  Yes, even me, Queen of the Skeptics.

One thing I took note of was that the speaker stated that not all domestic violence or abuse is physical.  Yes! Yes! Yes! They call that a “psychological or emotional batterer”.  Lord, I have experienced some manipulative dudes.  As I’m sure you men have experienced manipulative women.  Now these are people that have no compassion, no conscience, and gigantic balls.  They will tell you the sky isn’t blue as you are staring at a blue sky, they will tell you that you are crazy and hallucinating.  Much like I had my ex tell me that a note that I had in my hand that I found in his wallet that said “I love you, can’t wait to see you” signed with a name of a girl I suspected he was cheating on me with, wasn’t from a girl he was cheating on me with.  And further he tried to lash out at me telling me I was crazy and a bitch.  Oy.

So yea, these people exist.  Now don’t go blaming the victim… we just looooove to do that in this society.  Haven’t you ever known in the back of your head someone was lying, yet they talked such circles around you and made you feel terrible so that you gave them the benefit of the doubt?  Sure, we all have.  I knew mine was full of shit but I was just biding my time until I could have a plan to move the kids and myself out.

So here is a list of attributes that you can count on from a psychological or emotional batterer…

* Co-ercively controlling.  “If you don’t clean the house, you’ll be out on your ass.”  “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself or you or the kids”.  “If you don’t have sex with me right now, you don’t love me or our family”  Check.  Been there.

* Entitled/Self-Centered.  He bitches at you because money is tight.  Tells you to buy less diapers or groceries.  Then he takes himself out to dinner, buys drinks every night, or go gets a new tattoo.  Check.  Been there.

* Believes he/she is the victim… always.  Everything inappropriate or bad thing he has done is because you made him or you stressed him out.  Or he breaks down and tells a sob story about his awful childhood that made him do it.  Check.  Been there.

* Manipulative/Good Public Image.  Everybody else is like “But we know him he’s such a great guy, he would never do that”  Guess why?  Because he manipulated the shit out of everyone in public too… after all that’s how he got you attracted to him, he put on the “Amazingly sweet, generous, loving, caring, charming guy” act at first… only to bring out douchebag guy later.

That’s what I hate when anyone ever says to me about 2 specific men I have dated (1 I married), “Well you picked him”.  Well I didn’t pick the douchebag part!  He wasn’t that guy when I decided to commit or get close to him.  Guys, I know this has happened to you too.  She can turn into a raving manipulative twat too!

Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else that, yes these people can do these things and it’s wrong.  I knew it was but sometimes people try to convince you so much that you’re wrong, you start to believe the stories they tell you.  I just have to keep telling myself… believe your gut.  If it doesn’t seem right, it’s usually not right.  And anyone who tries to convince you that you’re defective… doesn’t really love you or have your best interest at heart.

Side Action… All the Kids are Doing it!

10 Sep

This here’s a pretty basic blog today.  Simple question…

To cheat or not to cheat?  That is the question…

I thought my beliefs were set in stone, cast in iron, shackled in… die-cast fiberglass.  (I’m not even sure what that means)  My belief had always been, you just don’t cheat.  I never did on my husband, even though he was an abusive drunk who cheated on me.  My parents were married for 64 years until my Dad passed away this past October.  It’s what I thought was right.  What I thought you were supposed to do.  At all costs, remain loyal.

But after being divorced for 13 years and in my late 40’s, I’ve heard alotta’ lotta’ stories.  Everybody has a story.  And it appears, everybody has cheated.  Even teachers, friends, bosses, that I thought were so squeaky clean over the years… had affairs.  It seems extramarital schtupping is rampant.  Who knew?  Well at least I didn’t.  Apparently I was a bit of a Pollyanna.

That also brings us to long term relationships… does everybody cheat in those and is it really cheating?  I have a friend who justifies extracurricular activity from his LTR by saying “Hey there’s no ring on my finger”.  Uh, well ok.

Is monogamy just unrealistic?  Has infidelity been going on forever and some just choose to ignore it and some don’t?  Or do jewelry and flowers just make it go away?  (which BTW, I never got any… fuckers)

Italians even have a name for it –  goomatta. Whether pronounced goomah, goomar or goomatta, the word is the Americanized corruption of the Italian word comare, which means mistress or girlfriend.  Older wives just seem to accept their role as the dutiful one who gets the kids and the roof over her head and the goomatta gets taken out and paraded around on Saturday night, maybe some trinkets… and gets her ankles over her head.

I don’t know?  What do you think?  I guess it depends on the people, the couples, whatever.  Some wives just look the other way as long as his paycheck is coming to them.  Some wives would cut off his dick if he strayed.

Oh and it’s not just the men, I was astonished to find out lots of women cheat.  Like… a lot.  I think men don’t take that one so well with the pride thing.  Guys, would you care if your wife/gf was out gettin’ a pounding from somebody else once in a while?

After I got divorced, I swore up and down I would never ever ever date a married man.  I just couldn’t do that to another woman because I had it done to me.  But mine was  a little different, a bit more severe.  I was pregnant and had two kids ages almost 5 and 2.  He was cruel when he was at home, I wasn’t being taken care of.  And worst of all, I knew the girl, she was a co-worker of his.  She had babysat the kids before.  It was a long ongoing emotionally intimate relationship (not so) behind my back.  I knew, he denied it.

But what if it’s somebody who’s kids are a little older and nobody is pregnant or sick and it’s just a little schtupping on the side?  I guess only your conscience knows, huh?

What if you’re married to someone you’re not really in love with, or never were?  Things aren’t terrible at home, kids are happy, you’re just not in love.  You find the love of your life on the side?  Or at least the bang of your life on the side.  Get divorced first?  Test the waters first?  Does it matter?  Is it really all fair in love and war?

I don’t know anymore.  I had these incredibly restrictive rules before.  Like don’t even talk to married men.  Maybe it was just Catholic guilt?  Now I’m starting to lean toward the “Every man for himself” thing.  All I know is… where did it get me?  Involved with men who proclaimed to have the same beliefs but didn’t.  Men that didn’t provide for me.  Men who had a disconnect.  So… maybe I should go for a few flings?  Get treated like a mistress?  Have men buy me shit?  The meek shall inherit the Earth, my ass.  It seems any woman that married for money, or mistressed for money, gets set for life and become socialites, celebrities, or get TV shows.  I know several women in town that married or mistressed well and took the money and ran and set up a nice life for themselves and their kids.  And guess what?  They’re happy.

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Case in point – RHOA’s Kim Zolciak/Biermann or whatever the hell she is now.  How do you go from broke single Mom to Wealthy Atlanta socialite?  Why, a married sugar daddy, of course!  And now she’s found a hot wealthy football player as a result of being a wealthy socialite.  The end.

Maybe Tina Turner was right, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?”.  Maybe empty flattery, passionate sex and money is more enjoyable?

Let’s hear your opinion on this…

Oh and don’t forget to take a look at my other blog for Divorced Moms.  www.singleparentmadge.wordpress.com

I’ve Seen Films That Had a Smaller Budget Than This Wedding…

5 Sep

I know this is probably stupid but… something has been bugging the crap out of me lately.  I’ve been seeing non-stop promos for a new show on Bravo about one of the Real Housewives of Orange County getting married.  I believe it’s called “Tamra’s O.C. Wedding”.  Let me just say the first thing that bothers me is that every other housewife has been getting these stupid spin-off shows about preparing for a wedding,  Enough already.

A tangent… another thing that pisses me off is the fact that these real housewife wedding shows are  added to about 4,000 other wedding shows that are on TV and show all these huge spectacles they call weddings.  It’s like a God damn Busby Berkeley or Cecil B. Demille production!   I keep waiting for Esther Williams to appear and dive into a giant heart-shaped pool in the middle of the reception.   And now this is seriously fucking up wedding plans around the country because everyone thinks they have to have a wedding just like that.   Now our daughters think they will need a $50,000 wedding.  Fuck that.

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Moving on… I don’t really watch the RHOOC show, I just read tidbits or see the promos for the show.  So I did a little research online into the show and the characters.  So this is what else is bothering me about that Tamra’s wedding show… they show all these little snippets of her being nervous and wanting to be a princess and planning all these grand and glorious things, they even show a clip of her being giddy and proclaiming, “I can’t believe I’m getting married!”  My problem with this is… THIS IS HER THIRD MARRIAGE!

She’s already been married twice.  And all of a sudden in this season, her 4 kids have vanished.  In previous seasons it was all about her and her second husband and their three kids and her son from her first marriage.  Now all of a sudden she’s portrayed like a giddy childless girl being married for the first time.  What the fuck?  I guess you’re allowed to just wipe out your past and have a re-do on “reality” TV.  Hey, I think I’ll try that!   The housewives do it, my ex did it… see you guys later!

Ya’ know what, I have absolutely no problem if you wanna’ be married 3 times, 4 times, 8 times whatever.  Knock yourself out.  But I would think for your dignity’s sake you would make all the subsequent weddings low key.  I tend to think that if you are throwing a big blinged-out blow out of a wedding for a third marriage… you probably wanted another wedding more than another marriage.

I don’t know, am I wrong here?  Well, I suppose it’s different I guess if like you never had a real wedding the first time (like you just did City Hall or something) or maybe it’s the groom’s first wedding… I can see a big wedding.  I’ll allow it, ‘cuz ya’ know I’m the one with all the say-so.  *sarcasm*  But if both y’all been around the block 2, 3, 7 times… just go get a Justice of the Peace or boat captain and be done with it.  But then that wouldn’t make good “reality” TV, would it?

 

BTW, don’t forget to check out my new blog for Divorced Moms – Click here

And don’t forget to buy my book on Amazon.com – “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!”

New Blog Announcement and Pick My Filth Writing Pen Name!

13 Aug

What up skanks?!  I’ve got some interesting news!  I have been asked to write for a new website getting ready to launch – www.DivorcedMoms.com .  So I have started a new blog that will framed within the site but I am launching it separately first.  You can find it here http://singleparentmadge.wordpress.com/2013/08/12/so-whats-this-blog-all-about/ .  The new blog will be focused solely on single parenting and divorce, so if you are interested in those two subjects please follow me on that blog but please enjoy this one as well!  And stay tuned for DivorcedMoms.com to launch in the next month or two!

I will still be blogging here, just writing an additional blog over there.

So this new blog will be more professional, probably not like here where I say fuck a lot.  I’m going to try and use the experiences I’ve been through to help those who are newly divorced.  Hmmm, I think one of my words of wisdom will be “Don’t date until you have been divorced for a year”.   That doesn’t mean you can’t get laid… just don’t try and date or have a relationship, everybody is a mess the first year.

However, the one big thing I learned is that no one can tell you anything.  Meaning, even if they do give advice, you’re going to have to go through it and feel it, see it, hear it for yourself before it sinks in.  I’ll tell you not to date, but it might serve you just as well to go out and have a disastrous attempt at dating where you like him but he doesn’t like you and then you say some really needy things and he thinks you’re a crazy psycho.  Not like uh, that ever happened to me but you know… trial and error sometimes makes the best way to learn.

So, there’s that blog and this bog… I’ve often wanted to write another blog under a nom de plume,  where I can tell you all the adult stories I have that I don’t want my children to see.  Oh boy do I have a lot of those!  You know they involve bad words, borderline illegal activities and s-e-x.  So if I did, I’m not sure what name to use.  Hey, let’s have a little contest!  Suggest some names below and I will pick my favorite and use it as my name and you win a $10 gift card to Starbucks!  But of course if they all suck, I’m not picking any of them.  heh heh

Well, come on get started… and Jane Doe is not even an option.  Jane Do-me might be.  (ok not really that’s tacky)  Have at it!

Single Mom Success Without Being on the Pole

28 Feb

All right, I never do contests but I’m determined to win this one, because as Kanye said, “Madge is the best single mom of all time… all time!” (drops mic)

What does winning this contest mean?  Nothing really.  But it will pimp my blog out and more people will see it and hopefully I will get more readers.  Then when my book comes out in a little bit I will have more readers to pimp it to, which hopefully will be more money in my pocket!  Master plan, bitches, master plan!

So click on the link below and scroll until you see my blog and then vote for me.  I was at number 16, then I stopped pimping and now I’m down to like 34.  So vote!   Now!!!  …please?

Vote Here Top 25 Single Mom Bloggers

It’s supposed to be some badge, but I can’t figure it out.

Anyway, here’s why I’m the greatest single mom blogger of all time:

1.  I don’t have a husband, therefore I don’t use the God damn annoying word “hubby”.  (cut it out now, seriously it sounds childish and condescending)  At least have an imagination and call him something like “El Spouso” or “Uber Husb” (because really there is an s before the b) or “Donor”.  I would call mine “big pillow”, because a husband is one of those big pillows with arms that you lean against on your dorm bed.

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2.  I’m a broke single Mom who has tried like hell to earn well but make sure kids are well taken care of.  However failing miserable on the “earn well” part.  But if you look at me on paper you’d think I was tres’ fabulous.  You would think you’d see me in Nantucket Reds, Papagallo pumps and pearls and driving a Volvo station wagon with my squash racquet in back.  I’ve often heard, “Madge, oh you fancy huh?”.  But in reality I’m eligible for foodstamps.  Well yes, I do live in a great house, my kids go to exclusive private schools, I belong to a country club, I have a new (used) car, a new fancy phone, a son at snooty NYU, great jewels, and a charming wit.

Well, the house, I’m essentially just a boarder in this great house that is owned by my “manfriend”.  I pay some rent and do most of the housework.  I was forced to, couldn’t afford another rent hike at apartment, nor could I afford another security deposit.  And didn’t want to move to the low rent/high crime parts of the city.  This is supposed to be temporary, I want to provide my own home for my kids.

My kids all got merit scholarships and financial aid for these private schools because they are smart and driven.

My car? The old one died after 11 years and 172,000 miles, it was ridiculous to put yet another $1,000 into it (already spent $1000 this year) when I’d only get that much on a trade-in anyway.  I called in favors and finagled a no money down, ridiculously low payment a month.

Country club?  My manfriend belongs and we use it sparingly as not to create too much extra cost for him.  We can go to the pool, just don’t order any food or drinks.  lol  And I play golf as an accessory so when a guy he wants to do business with asks him to play golf with his wife, we have a great little social outing.  It’s just like when Darren Stevens used Tabitha as an excuse to bring a client and his wife over for dinner.  Chances are that married dude wouldn’t want to hang out with some single barfly guy right?  Just like hockey, I think I should get an assist on the score (sale).

NYU?  Merit scholarships.  He earned every bit of it and he works his ass off and works part-time.

Fancy phone?  Earned an upgrade after having the last one for two years, only cost $50 for latest Droid technology.

Jewels?  Charming Charlie’s or Michael’s.  If you haven’t been to Charming Charlie’s you must, it is to die for.  I have women that shop all over the world for jewels and ask me about mine and I proudly say, “Oh this necklace?  $6.99 at Charming Charlie’s”  Or I taken broken bits of jewels and repair them with bits from Michael’s and create new stuff.  Gotta’ know how to shop, ladies and gents.

Charming wit?  Genetic.  And I think I’m genuine and hard working.  People are willing to help if you are genuine and hard working.  I’m not asking for handouts but hand ups. I set up your social media, you give me gas money.  I bring you a new client, you give me a loaner car while mine is fixed.  It’s like old fashioned bartering.  I should be a fucking ward boss, just like my ancestors.  I’d be huge back in the days of Tammany Hall (well if I were a guy).

Oh and having a nice rack never hurt anything either.  Sometimes you just can’t have shame, well maybe just enough to avoid the pole, though.

3.  Another reason is because I have created a master race of successful, well adjusted children. (fingers crossed)  My kids aren’t douches.  Ok, maybe sometimes just to be funny but we can’t avoid things when a laugh is to be had.

4.  I never announce to friends or large crowds, “I have to go pee”.

5.  I have had exactly one boyfriend in my 12 years of divorcedom.  Spent the first 9 years single and hid my shenanigans from my kids.  Nothing is worse for a kid than a revolving door of men. (so do it in private :))

I deal with what I’ve got.  I use my assets and talents and cherish my friendships.  I make the best of things.  Just because I’m broke doesn’t mean I can’t try to be upwardly mobile.  I want to be successful.  I’m not pretending, everybody knows I struggle (maybe too much sometimes, I’ve been trying to stop).  But number one, I’m bound and determined to give my kids everything they EARN.  Not want or need, but earn.  They are smart and good and deserve a chance and I want them to be as successful as they can.  And that doesn’t even mean earning the highest possible income, it means being a good honest person who works hard and has a lot of love in their lives.  That is success to me.

So suck it.  I’m the best single mom, vote for me.  🙂

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