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The Only Country Club Member on Food Stamps

31 Jan

Hey! If you haven’t been following along at home, I have a podcast now! Yes, yes I do. And I just posted my 7th Episode entitled The Only Country Club Member on Food Stamps, the Story of Madge. Click below and have a listen! Funny, inspiring, a little sad, a little sex, and of course a lot of booze! Pretty entertaining stuff!

madgepodlogonew_01-1

Ep 7 The Only Country Club Member on Food Stamps, the Story of Madge

Thanks for listening and don’t forget to follow me while you’re there! Oh and share with your friends! xoxo

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Dating Guys Who Find Out I’m a Writer

7 Dec

First things first… I have a new book out!

Snap Out of It cover for KDP

It is a collection of my columns from Rochester Woman Magazine. Have some chuckles and food for thought. You can buy it here. You can also find my previous book here as well.

 

Now on to the subject of dating… again.

Whenever a guy I go on a date with finds out I’m a writer that writes about my everyday life, they say “So, are you gonna’ write about me?” I usually respond out loud joking, “Only if you plan on being an asshole!” Which is basically true. But most of the time the response in my head is “Don’t flatter yourself”.

I just think it’s a stupid question. I don’t know, maybe I’m the jerk but I just think it’s an awkward thing to say.  “Don’t flatter yourself”is really the gist of it. Especially when they ask me several times. Why in God’s name would I write about you? You’re the single most boring man I’ve ever been out with. However, commit an act of sheer assholery and you’re in like Flynn!

Funny, my friends never ask me to write about them. They never say “Hey you need to write about our crazy night at karaoke at the gay bar!” My girlfriends never say, “Why don’t you write about me and the cupcakes I bake?” Why? Because 1. They aren’t rude and 2. They don’t flatter themselves thinking that they are that interesting. (Even though they are that interesting)

Next we have the guy who endlessly suggests topics for me to write about. “You know what you should write about? You should write about why women lead men on?” Well, fella I don’t have to write about it, I’ll tell you right now, see… women are just being nice while they are out with you in the midst of figuring out that you are a complete douche-canoe. Then you ask them out again and they say no, or you text and they just don’t answer. Why because she just wasn’t feelin’ you. Or she just couldn’t take another minute of your miserableness.

Another one that I thoroughly enjoy is men suggesting subjects that I should write about that are not anywhere remotely near my realm of expertise. “Hey you should write about dating from a man’s point of view and how much we get screwed over!” Why not? Because 1. I’m not a man and 2. No. It’s my damn blog or column, I write from my point of view. Maybe I’d write about the other side if I had someone with something interesting to say. If you just want to bitch, get your own damn blog. And by the way dude, I know why you’re single, I don’t have to write a blog to investigate.

I liken it to me saying to them, “Hey you know what you should do at work? You should re-structure your management team so that there is not overlap in the… yada, yada, yada” I don’t analyze your work, be mindful not to analyze mine.

However, thanks to these overly helpful dudes I now have a new barometer for choosing the right man for me… one who doesn’t ask if I’m going to write about him.

Seriously, This is Dating at 50? I’d Like a Refund…

13 Oct

(WARNING: This blog is filled with loads of sarcasm. If you don’t speak sarcasm, please turn back now.)

So yea, dating. I’ve been doing it a little bit… very little. In fact I don’t know if you can call most of what I’ve been doing dating. I mostly spectate as men try to get me in bed. Yea, I think that’s pretty accurate. Men don’t take women on dates anymore. And I wasn’t notified beforehand!

Dating at 50… you’d think it would be a lot more dignified. Nope. It’s pretty much the same as it was at 20, 30, 40. Now don’t start with the bullshit of, “You’ll find it when you least expect it”, “You’re looking in the wrong places”… I’m not even looking right now! The only attempts I’ve made are I occasionally swipe on Tinder, mostly when I’m bored and sitting in a waiting room for something. But no one ever talks on there. I get matched up and then no one ever sends a message. And screw it, I’m not sending a message. I’m convinced everyone else is doing the same thing I am and just browsing. And when a guy does finally send a message it’s something lame like “Hi”. Jesus, have some fucking game, dude!

I don’t belong to any other site. I was a non-paying customer on Plenty of Fish for a brief moment but I realized it should be called Plenty of Chum… there sure weren’t any good fish on there. Where are the yummy salmon, ahi tuna, swordfish, and whatever fancy high end fish there are out there? I felt like I was fishing in the Erie Canal and just left with my bait (chum) or catching the occasional carp.

So, I go out with friends, or I just do my usual social media for my personal brand and I have men approach me.  That’s the “action” I get. You’d think at 50 there would be lots of wining and dining. Nope. Instead there are a whole lot of dudes who are bitter and starting over, maybe living in a room above a friends’s garage, at odds with their children and bitching about child support. *sigh* And their idea of a date is “Let’s go to your place and bang, ‘cuz I have a roommate”. Seriously? No, thank you. Sitting at home with my thumb up my ass sounds loads more enticing. Look, I’m not looking for a sugar daddy or Daddy Warbucks but is it so hard to find a guy in a good place in life – happy, financially stable, sexually functioning, and wants to go out for a nice cocktail or meal? Crap, I’ll even settle for appetizers! I’ll pay half, even! I think society has just made it easy to put in as little effort as possible into anything anymore.

It’s like a bad joke, the more stable I become, the more everyone falls apart around me. Ha. Again, don’t give me the lecture about I’m looking for things I don’t deserve and being a gold digger, that’s not the case and you know it. Screw you, I’m 50, have a career, have kids in college, own a home, own a car, volunteer… I think I’m worth something beyond “Netflix and Chill”.  I’ve learned that you get what you feel you deserve, but that somehow hasn’t worked out yet.

However, I’m  just not into “searching” right now. I’d just like to meet new people. I go to events for work a lot, black ties and whatnot, but they are always women’s causes and issue and there aren’t any men there… well ones that haven’t been dragged by their wife, anyway. I have tons of gay friends, but hanging at gay bars has and will net me zero, obviously.  I’ve tried going to do interesting things – classes, groups. Nothing. Usually a lot of Star Wars collectors living in their parents’s basement and cat ladies. It’s not like in the movies or TV. At this point, I have no idea where the guys that butter my biscuit, float my boat, or lift my luggage are and where I would come in contact with them.

Look, I’m not better than anyone else, far from it. I’m sure I’ve been pegged as chum on Plenty of Fish myself. (btw, dude that did that – go fuck yourself) But it’s just a weird place to be in at 50. I don’t feel 50, I don’t look 50, I finally have my shit together, finances could be much better but I’m on the upswing and managing, I’m hip, I’ve got energy, I’m intelligent, I’ll make ya’ laugh, my boobs are still above the Equator… so, what am I missing?

As my trusted life consultant Life Coach Amy White says… it’s just not my time. And I agree. I used to fight people tooth and nail and get mad when they told me that, but I finally accept it. It’s just time for me to accomplish other things right now. There is not supposed to be a man to distract me or to give me an excuse not to accomplish my dreams. Like finishing the book I have coming out in a few weeks… stay tuned! And by the way, you MUST have a session with my friend Amy, she will change your life!

Aw crap, ok whatever. I’ll just sit and wait until whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I can’t believe I’m saying that. I mean, I’m not waiting for “the one” or “a serious relationship” or a “knight in shining armor”. I just want a date with a gentleman who gives me butterflies. Really, that’s all. It would be a bonus if it also included a mind-blowing romp at some point but hey, a girl can dream. So, I sit and dream and make other dreams come true in the meantime…

STAY TUNED FOR ANNOUNCEMENT ON MY NEW BOOK COMING OUT NEXT MONTH!

10 Wildly Inappropriate Yet Well Meaning Valentine’s Day Cards

13 Feb

In honor of Valentine’s Day I’m re-gifting this blog from Valentine’s Day past…

Remember in elementary school how you’d buy (or rather your mother would buy) that box of small little Valentine’s Day cards and you would fill out each one with a name of a classmate and then sign your name?  Remember how you would carefully choose the coolest, cutest, favoritest character ones?  Then if you waited too long to go buy them, you had to pick from whatever was left like some lame Tom and Jerry shit or Strawberry Shortcake?  And the messages sucked.

Well whatever you got, as you got older you thought the sayings were corny.  Then of course as you got much older you thought about how to make the sayings on those cards somewhat inappropriate.  Hell as adults, you probably even made some porn-themed Valentine greetings in your head.  Come on, it’s fun to smash the innocence of a good old fashioned Valentine!

So, I offer some do-it-yourself inappropriate Valentines, just add impure or unkind thoughts…

1.  flinstone

From the Hallmark Mary Kay LaTourneau Collection

2. rash

My advice… get some penicillin, then sue.

3. vintage_valentine_sink

Uhhhh, well I hope so or it’s back to number 2 above ^^^^

4. retro-valentine-1 club

The Chris Brown Valentine…

5.  emo valentin

Wow, that’s uh, pretty intense.  Call the suicide hotline pal, don’t send a Valentine…

6.  sexting valentine

The first sexting Valentine obviously.  Teaching young girls to send pictures of themselves in underwear to boys since 1952!

7.  retro_us_military_valentines_day_card_

This Vulcan (check out her hand) bowling bobby soxer wants to give it to you good when you get home soldier!  Nothing says sexy like bowling…  Live long and prosper while killing Nazis!

8.  egg valentine

From the Hallmark Small Penis collection…

9.  ronald

You’d take that clown over me?  I knew you slept with him!  F**k you!

10.  eat

Uhhhh… yea.

Happy Valentine’s Day!  If you liked this post, please share with your friends (the blog, not your junk) and don’t forget to sign up to follow this blog (top right).  Thanks loads!  Oh and my book makes a great Valentine’s gift (see top right)!  🙂  #ShamelessPlug

Mating Ritual: Finding Your Foot Fetish Equal

12 Dec

What is love?

Yea, I don’t mean this as a sappy, philosophical, your ass is covered in syrup talk… wait what?

I mean like… ok, I do some fundraising and marketing work for a non-profit that helps women transition from domestic violence.  It also educates on prevention.  Not just for women how to avoid it, but for men not to do it.  And we don’t just deal in physical violence, there is all kinds of emotional abuse you can be subjected to, like…

Do you have a partner that insists they control all the money and withholds it from you when you don’t “behave” accordingly?

Do you have a partner that calls you names?

Do you have a partner that needs to know where you are all the time?

Do you have a partner that has slowly isolated you from all your family and friends because he/she says they are all stupid, lame, losers, etc.?

Do you have a partner that insists you have sex when you don’t want to because if you don’t you don’t love them?

Do you have a partner that makes it all about them?  Nothing is ever their fault?

Do you have a partner that blames you for everything that they do wrong?  “You made me get a speeding ticket, I was mad”  “You made me hit you”

So, there are those questions about living with an emotional batterer.  If you answered yes to any, I suggest you get help.  Ask me for resources if you don’t know.  ‘Cuz yea,, those actions aren’t cool.

But anyway, one of the things we discussed  when we were working on a program was asking each individual a question… “What does love mean to you?”

love is grand

Now… this is a kettle of fish of a different color.  You can get all kinds of responses.  And it’s ok.  Someone may think love is having someone that completes them.  (blech)  Oh sorry I said I wouldn’t judge.  Other ideas of love may be…

Someone who cares for me as  much as I care for them.

Someone who loves everything about me.

Someone who treats me like a princess/prince.

Someone who treats me just like my Mom/Dad did.

Someone who will tolerate my smoking weed all day.

Someone who wants to couple swap.

Someone who likes to hit the dog track as much as I do.

Someone who enjoys my foot fetish.

foot_fetish_cat_by_cheshiresworld-d36grg8

 

Love is a very individual thing.  And you know, that’s fine.  There are some people who I just don’t agree with their ideas… you know like the whole “treat me like my Mom”, um that’s not adult love, that’s Mommy/child love and not healthy and you have issues.  I also don’t agree with “treat me like a princess/prince”, once in a while is fine but 24/7 is selfish and narcissistic, and insinuates the other person is “lesser” than you.

HOWEVER, if the other person is ok with your view and chooses to live that way… who am I to judge?  But when someone is forcing you to accept their definition of love, when homie don’t play that, well then that’s abusive.   If you say you don’t want to do something or act a certain way and they brow beat you or physically force you to do it, then you have an abusive situation on your hands.

But I go back to my point… what is love?  Is love to you a mute girl, with no teeth, who can rest your beer can on her head?  That’s ok, just get the fuck off my blog!  No, no, Madge spreads the love here.  But no really, get the fuck out.

I have a lot of things I’d like to have in love.  Friendship, laughter, emotional intimacy, passion, good sex, learning and growing together.  Did I mention the sex part?  Oh, yea I did.  Hey, I’m not dead yet.  Anyway, my most important issue is equality.  Equality on  being a person level.  Like equal parts selflessness.  I don’t wash your car so I can hold it over your head, I wash it because I wanted to do something nice or I know your busy.  You don’t fix me dinner, so you can ask me endlessly for praise about it, or tell me 18 times later how much you have done for me.  Loving acts all come out in the wash to me.  I need someone who shares my belief that you don’t do nice things to get something in return… you just do it to be nice.

So, what does love mean to you?  Whatever it is… I mean like if two douchebags find each other, good for them, just make sure you’re happy and on the same page.  If you’re not, you might want to re-think that shiz…

Sexting Scrapbooking Group, Now Accepting New Members!

14 Nov

(Just and aside this Friday and Saturday (starting at midnight tonight) my new book “I Got Yer Haiku Right Here” will be a FREE ebook download on Amazon.com, check out my other book “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!” while you’re there)

As most of you may know I’ve been divorced for almost 13 years now.  There’s been a lot of dating and entanglements with men in that time.   Some of you who haven’t been in the dating seen for many years might not be aware of all the wonderful new nuances of dating.  Some of you younger folks, don’t know anything different.

Those of us say over 35, maybe only over 40, remember a time when you went out into the world and met real people and if you clicked, a boy asked for the girl’s number.  Then the girl would sit around and wait for the phone to ring at home… no cell phones, no answering machines, no computers, no call waiting.  Or unless you were a freak and answered a personal ad in the back page of the Village Voice and sent a letter to a P.O. Box and waited several days for a response… that too.

Teenager looking at red phone

(For those of you who don’t know… this is what phones used to look like, they were plugged into a wall at home or business)

So nowadays, you can meet people online, solicited or unsolicited and sometimes never ever meet them.  There are people that carry on entire virtual relationships for years and never meet.  This is a perfect solution for those that suffer from social awkwardness or insecurity because of weight, ugliness or some other malady.  I mean really, if you are content to never have a physical encounter with someone because you can’t bear to face the world, the world’s your oyster right now!

Which brings me to another virtual “dating” tool… texting or otherwise electronically sending pictures.  Show of hands, how many women have received unsolicited dick pics out there?   Ok, too many to count.  Now, how many women have been asked to send pics of themselves to a man (or woman, we don’t judge here)?  Again, too many to count.  How many of you women, send pics will-nilly to said men?  Ok maybe not willy-nilly, but you’ve sent them?

sexting

Here’s my thing, and it’s probably not what you think.  No, I’m not disgusted… however, unsolicited pics of one’s junk is not a turn on for me.  I can’t say even solicited ones are.  Ok, maybe out of curiosity, I wonder what your junk looks like but it doesn’t suddenly make a deal when there wasn’t one.  It’s just more like car wreck curiosity.  And I highly highly advise against sending pics to someone who you aren’t in a relationship with, especially a stranger, you never know where that will end up.  You may end up all over the internet, or in some collage on a serial rapist/killers basement apartment wall.  However, if you really feel the need, don’t include your face in the pic, for God’s sake.

Oh, so wait, I still didn’t tell you my thing.  So say, you meet a guy that lives far away or you reconnect with someone from your past that lives far away.  Like I lived in Denver now I live in NY and I run into someone on Facebook I used to know there.  Whatever.  Not that this has really happened.  *ahem*  So, you get flirty in texts or whatever… then they ask for pics.  You get carried away, it’s a little exciting at first.  Sending pics of you in your sexiest dress or lingerie.  You get a shirtless pic of him and he’s not an old man with moobs, sweet!  And maybe you get coerced into showing a little more skin… and then you get asked for more pics.  I’m not saying you keep sending pics but he keeps asking for them.

And more pics.

And more pics.

Days, weeks, months, years go by of the guy asking for pics.  It is demeaning.  He can never get enough pics but makes no effort to meet.  And I’m like, is this desire between us ever going to get fulfilled, like in person, not over the phone or computer?  Like skin on skin?  Not yet, you want more pics?  Uh…. yea.  I’m kinda’ over this.  Bo… ring.

And no, he’s not married.  He doesn’t have a girlfriend.  We know mutual people.  Maybe he is taken, but he talks a good game of wanting to get together but can’t pull the trigger, so to speak.  Whatever the case is… why are guys perfectly satisfied with getting pics for the rest of their life?  What are y’all like scrapbooking that shit or something?  I can see you all gathering at Joe’s house, bringing your scrapbook material… “Oh I’m using the crimping shears on this one!  Look how nice it is on an orange background! Does anybody have a ‘Hot Stuff’ or palm  tree sticker?”  WTF?

mycolonoscopy

(Not sex, but an example of what a man’s scrapbook might look like)

I’m sorry to me, that stuff gets old real quick.  I need the real thing.  I call your bluff.   Pics or sexting as a form of very short foreplay is ok.  Pic trading as an ongoing form of a relationship?  No thanks.  As my Mother has said her whole life in answer to many situations… “Shit or get off the pot”.  That is pretty much my motto for everything in life.  I’m a doer… not because I have irritable bowel syndrome, I just need to get things underway, make a move, give it a try.

So, can anyone tell me why men do this?  Has anyone ever encountered a woman doing this?  I just want to know what men’s fascination with pics are and why they could be perfectly satisfied with only pics.  Any other women feel this way or is it just me?  Maybe I’m the freak?  Hmmmm…

The Difference Between Younger Women and Older Women

17 Oct

Just a short one today, I’m out of my mind busy.  Lots of projects and I’ve been in and out of doctor’s offices and hospitals all week with a daughter with a jacked up back which was first diagnosed as a kidney infection but is not… don’t get me started.

I was looking at some items online that were written by 20 something year old girls about dating.  I already knew this but women of different ages are vastly different.  Yes, yes there are exceptions to every rule but I also know that I thought I knew it all when I was in my 20’s but I was really pretty unknowing and immature.  And I’m sure by the time I’m 60 I’ll think I was kind of stupid in my 40’s.  So, whatever I’ll write another blog then…

So as a public service, I just want to give all you men a quick guide for women below 40 and above 40, give or take 5-7 years.   I will henceforth refer to below 40 women as B40 and women above 40 as A40.

 

*   When a B40 woman says “Just leave me the hell alone!” to a man it really means, “You better chase after me or I’ll be even more pissed than I am now.  When an A40 woman says it she means, “Just leave me the hell alone!”.

*  When a B40 woman says to a man, “Oh that was so nice of you!”  she really means it.  When an A40 woman says it she really means, “Wow, you just did as little as humanly possible to please me, didn’t you?”

*  When an A40 woman walks through a crowd, she says “Excuse me” to get by.   A B40 woman just whacks you with her handbag and keeps going.

*  When a B40 woman says to a guy, “I can go all night!”  she really means it and she does.  When an A40 woman says it she means “If it’s good I’ll stay up, if it’s bad I’ll either just fall asleep or fake it just to get you off me so I can leave”

*  When a B40 woman says, “I’ll be there in half an hour” she means she’ll be there in and hour.  When an A40 woman says it, she means “Ill be there in an hour”  Hey, somethings don’t ever change.

*  When a guy says to a B40 woman, “I’ll love you forever” she believes it.  When a guy says it to an A40 woman, she says “Ok” but thinks “Uh yea, or until something younger, prettier, or more entertaining comes along or until I become a bitch because I’m tired of you”

*  When a B40 woman asks a guy “Do you have a girlfriend?” and he says no, she believes him.  When an A40 woman asks the same question and he says no, she then knows to ask “Ok, so then do you have a wife?  A fiancee?  A lover?  A friend with benefits?  Are you separated?…”  and so on because she knows he could be apt to use the loophole after she finds out he’s taken of “Well you didn’t ask me that!”

*  When a guy tells a B40 woman “I don’t have a job right now, I live with my parents.”, she says “Oh that’s ok, I’ll buy”.  When an A40 woman hears that, she politely says “I need to use the bathroom” and never comes back, never looks back, and runs very far away.

 

You learn things as you get older.  Well then again I know some women who don’t ever learn.  But more often than not we become wiser… and perhaps a little bit jaded.  Sometimes I wish I still had the optimism I did in my 20’s but I’m glad I have the wisdom and experience of 40 something.  I can’t wait to see what I write at 60.  🙂

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