I fancy myself as pretty direct. I try to give my honest thoughts without serving up a bunch of bullshit. Now of course it depends on the situation. There are some situations where it’s best to acquiesce and move on. You know like those involving bosses, police, parents, and a 6’4″ 300lb man with “Vato Loco” tattooed on his neck.
I should only weigh about 115 lbs with the fancy footwork I do every day trying to dance on that fine line of honesty, directness, and diplomacy. Alas, my ass is still fat. Probably because I’ve become less lippy in my old age and more diplomatic, it’s come in handy trying to keep down the number of jobs I get fired from. However, in other instances I find myself, like here and in social settings where I just don’t care anymore. Hence, the dance.
So, in order to turn the release valve a little and let out a few of the steamy zingers that float in my head 24 hours a day of things I’d really like to say… I give you the Madge Translator.
What they say: “Just a few more changes, could you make the first letter of every word capital, shorten 1st paragraph, lengthen 2nd paragraph, and change the font.?”
What I say: “Ok, are you sure that will work for what we are trying to accomplish?”
What I really want to say: “Could you be any more of a pain in the ass? Leave the writing to me and you go fix people’s teeth!”
What they say: “How was your weekend? Oh we went away to see my daughter and her children and we started out and we got off the wrong exit but then we decided we needed gas, so we got off the next exit got gas, then we finally got to my daughter’s and we walked in the house and had some lemonade…”
What I say: “Mhm, good thanks.”
What I really want to say: “Do you not see me working here? Are you really that oblivious? I don’t give a shit about your trip. STFU!”
What they say: “When will you be home? What are we doing for dinner?”
What I say: “I’ll try to be home by 6:00 and I have some chicken but what would you like?”
What I really want to say: “I’ll be home whenever I feel like it, and make your own damn dinner, I’m tired of cooking!”
What they say: *nothing*
What I say: “Um excuse me, when you have a minute…”
What I really want to say: “Hello! What am I, f*cking invisible? Stop texting and get me a drink!”
What they say: “Girl you look like those shoes would make nice earrings, wanna’ do a shot?” (he’s wearing a camouflage t-shirt and trucker hat and shit kickers)
What I say: “Oh no thank you, I’m waiting for someone.”
What I really want to say: “Get the hell away from me! Do I really look like I’d enjoy a tractor pull? Pull this pal…”
What they say: “Oh my you look like you’really going to a costume party”
What I say: “Haha, well I have my own style, it’seems it’s not for everyone”
What I really want to say is: “That’s really rude and what would your J. Jill wearin’ ass know about fashion anyway? You look like a lesbian that stepped out of a 1987 time capsule!”
I could go on and on. But I thought I might leave it to you… what is something you’d really like to say?