Archive | April, 2014

Are You a Sun-thriver or Night Owl?

24 Apr

When I was very little, I’m talking about 4,5,6 maybe, I used to get up really early. So early my parents would tell me to go back to bed, becuase the sun wasn’t up yet. I just wanted to get on with my day, maybe watch some TV. Eventually they said it was ok to go quietly watch TV in the living room. In the 60’s and 70’s there wasn’t a God damn thing on for little kids at 5 or 6 in the morning. There was no Nick Jr. There were 3 channels and you could choose from a preacher asking for money, farm reports, or a black and white movie.

However when I got to be more like 8 or 9 I started to become obsessed with the night. It was odd that I loved night time because it had more interesting entertainment, but going to sleep terrified me. Looking back, I know I started having anxiety at an early age. I would lay there thinking about death. I was afraid of dying. I was afraid the commies would drop the bomb on us. Yea, I was a Cold War anxiety kid.

But I was always wanting to stay up later. I pushed to stay up until 9 to watch Sonny and Cher. I pushed to stay up until 10 on Saturday to watch Love Boat and Fantasy Island. Soon I felt I had somehow entered some secret magical world because I had managed to stay up to watch Johnny Carson on a Friday.

Then I entered nirvana when I managed to stay up to watch that new really cool show “Saturday Night Live”. I was either 10 or 11, it was either end of the first season in 1975 or in the second season in 1976. I heard about it from all my older brothers and sisters. This was the coolest of the cool.  (Of course they were all stoned.) Then at about 12 or 13, I could even make it to Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert. I remember sitting on the couch, fighting to stay awake, I wanted to see how late I could make it.

So, really I screwed myself pretty good. I trained myself to be a night person. I could be one of those really productive get-up-at-5am-and-go-to-the-gym types, but noooooo (to quote John Belushi) I have to be one of those I-know-I-have-to-get-up-early-but-I-just-want-to-watch-Letterman-for-a-bit types. I envy folks who prefer 7:30am breakfast meetings. Well not envy, just wish I could be so productive.

Well, I am productive but it’s just at a different time from everyone else. I don’t get my mojo flowing until about 3 in the afternoon. That doesn’t really bode well for a nice office job. If I had my drothers, I’d sleep in until about 9:00am everyday and stay up until 2:00am.

I’ve been reading a book on the creation and very early days of Saturday Night Live (can you tell?). It talks about how the writers would be there all night, they wouldn’t come in until 10:00pm during the week to prep for the show and write material. People would have meetings at 2:00am. Finally I’m thinking to myself, wow I’m not so strange after all.

I’ve also read articles about musicians being in the studio all night long. Could it be that maybe some creative types are just night people? They do their best work at night? I think that’s me. I write better stuff at night I think. At least I think I feel funnier at night. If I’m trying to write the funny, that is. I don’t feel so funny at 8:30am. Also if I get on Twitter at night, the one liners are just flowing from my finger tips. I seem to get more response. Some people still may think my writing blows but at least I “feel” funnier.

Also I can’t help but wonder if we can be naturally programmed as such. My middle child who is now 17 would sleep all day and be up all night when I was pregnant with her. She kept this schedule for the most part until about 16 months old. I tried like crazy to keep her up during the day and all that but I’d put her to bed at 9pm and she’d be up at midnight ready to play for hours. I tried pushing back bedtime and all that… nothing.  It was tiring long ass year. Still now, she would prefer to be up late.

I’m trying to convince myself that it’s ok to be a night person. It’s hard in a world that mostly functions 9-5. Maybe some day I’ll be a full time columnist or author and I can write whenever the hell I want. That’s another thing about writing for deadlines, creativity doesn’t always come “on demand”. Sometimes it’s like rain, you just have to wait until it’s ready to pour. You might get a sprinkle here and there but as they say, “When it rains, it pours”.

By the way, I do my best other kind of work at night too, if you know what I mean. *wink wink nudge nudge* Raise your hand if you’re a morning sex kind of person! Yea, not me. See what I mean?!

Sometimes I think about giving this blog up all together or at least not being so frequent. With my freelance plate getting really full it’s getting harder and harder to come up with extra material and find time to write it. I’ve been contracted to do more articles and I have another book coming out. Maybe it will be shorter with just silly quips or something. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll only write at 9:00pm.

What do you think, do you buy into that whole daytime/nighttime person thing? Or should we all force ourselves to be on the same schedule? Do you work better at certain times of the day? I’m curious… (because I want to set my Peeping Tom schedule) 🙂


Man Takes High Dive with Detachable Penis in Hand

17 Apr

Rapper Andre Johnson severs penis,

jumps off building, but survives




I can not make this stuff up, folks. Uh, that’s some nutty stuff… choppin’ off your penis than jumping off a building. Ok, it was only the second story but he had good intentions. How embarrassing is it though that he survived? Now he’s gonna’ take a whole lotta’ shit from his boyz.

Brings new meaning to the King Missile song, “Detachable Penis”.

In all seriousness though, apparently he needs help. Whatever it is… drugs or mental health, it’s time for help. Cuttin’ off your penis? My guess is either he cheated on a woman or he’s fightin’ the gay. According to that CNN article, his rapper name was Christ Bearer in the group Northstar, a member of the Wu-Tang Clan family of products. So I’m guessin’ it’s self-punishment for something he thinks is naughty. Or there is the off-chance he was once abused and feeling haunted by it.

I don’t know, who am I to judge? I’m not judging, I’m just saying people’s acts of desperation are getting wackier. Well, wackier and more violent. It seems now when someone is getting stressed out about something it’s time to go shoot a place up, kill your kids, or self-mutilation. That’s uh… pretty extreme. Why is this happening? Is it happening more or do we just hear about it more because of the instantaneous news cycle? I think these things are becoming commonplace and people think it’s normal or how things are supposed to go down. I find it incredibly disturbing.

Maybe what I find most disturbing is how CNN posted this in the “Entertainment” section. Yup, that right there’s some good entertainment. Granted he is an “entertainer” but that’s like some really disturbing stuff. But just like I am writing about it, it will become, I’m sure, fodder for late night monologues. However, my angle is more… what the hell is going on in society? More and more bizarre shit is happening every day. It’s like becoming a contest to see who can go out in the biggest blaze of destruction and outrageous glory. Damn, is it too much to ask to just go in my sleep nowadays? Lord help us…

Finally! Crimes are Easier to Commit Than Ever! Try Yours Today!

3 Apr

So I was reading this article here…

Doreen Landstra, Elderly Woman Who Killed 3 In Car, Gets Suspended License

And the reasoning behind the sentence completely baffled me. Now this is the woman that (you probably remember this story) backed into a group of fellow church-goers while trying to leave the church parking lot and killed 3 of them. She is 79 years old. So for her “punishment” she gets a suspended license – FOR ONE YEAR! And has to pay $1,000 fine. Really, isn’t that a little insulting to the victims?

I get it. She’s old. She killed her friends. I get it, she feels bad. My biggest problem with this is…

Her drivin’ ain’t gettin’ no better at 80 after a year’s license suspension!

Why does she need it back. Take it for good. Especially since she previously drove her SUV through a McDonald’s in 2011 after mistaking the pedals! She needs her McNuggets and “Senior Coffee” right now, damnit! She’s got an AARP card and she’s not afraid to use it!

Seriously Florida? Are you worried that fewer old people will come to Florida if you make stiffer penalties? I’d say you got plenty of blue hairs down there now!

Which then leads me to this gem of a story that came out this week…


Du Pont heir received no jail time after rape conviction


Creepy McCreeperson much? This is the kind of person that gives us gingers a bad name. Please shave your head or color your hair, sick freak.

This further proves my theory that some people just look… sketchy. That was my thing when I did online dating, I had to see a picture and guys thought I was being shallow. Hell no! I need to look at your face, I can take one look in your eyes and tell if you’re a nutjob or evil or depressed or… toothless. Sorry, just can’t do bad teeth.

Anyway, again with no jail time… for raping his own 3 year old daughter! What in God’s name could possibly justify that?! Yes, I get maybe the DuPont name had something to do with it (free DuPont Corian counter tops for life!) but you think no one else will notice, judge? You state he wouldn’t “fare well” in prison… who gives a shit? His daughter sure didn’t “fare well”.

Jude Judy is my idol, but I’m not a judge so who am I to say, but it seems pretty apparent to me that these sentences don’t fit the crime… or accident as they call the Florida woman’s mow down. On second thought, I would love to see Judge Judy hand down these sentences. “You’re old! Time to go to the home and stop driving!” “You are a sick bastard! I hope you get what you deserve in prison!”

And I’m not some kind of Maricopa County Sheriff either, I don’t believe in chain gangs or the death penalty for traffic or immigration infractions. Just it’s obvious some of this stuff is so… bargained. Ya’ know what I mean? Lots of wheeling and dealing. It’s worse than a shopkeeper in Chinatown, “Ok I give you 2… no no… 3 for $5!” I think sometimes our court systems are far more worried about the defendant/suspect/perp than the victim. I work with a sexual and domestic assault prevention and victim transition non-profit agency… believe me I know. And it’s usually about who has the better lawyer that can open loopholes or ask for favors rather than justice.

But then the system will try to “balance itself out” by putting some poor schmo in jail for a year because he had a half ounce of weed or something on him. (Easy potheads, I don’t know the law, so whatever the possession limits are, go with that) I say legalize that stupid crap and make not serving time for heinous/hurtful/devastating acts illegal. *drops mic* I’m out…


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