Archive | March, 2014

Enough With the Gluten-Free, Cross Fit, Socialist Selfies

27 Mar

I look at social media all day. Ok, well not all day but like a whole bunch of times throughout the day. Mostly because of my various jobs. I write about pop culture so I’m always seeing what’s out there. Also I do marketing so I need to know what’s out there, as well as putting stuff out there.

Anyway, in all of my social media perusing, I see a lot of trends. I can see their evolution. I see some teens or hipsters using some word or talking about a certain activity. Then I see how it spreads to other social media savvy and pop culture junky hipsters… and college kids. Then it starts to come on the average intelligent person’s radar. Next thing you know it’s used in a commercial… and then that lady in your office with the 80’s hair cut and mom-jeans starts saying it thinking she’s incredibly cool… by that time it’s over and done and become incredibly lame.

But then there are other trends that I call “adult trends”, no not like glory holes or something, it’s usually some health thing or activity that grown folks do that… I just don’t get and I’m sick of hearing about.

Examples of cool things to do or make jokes about for hipster kids that ran it’s course… twerking.

Now wait hear me out. Twerking was funny about a year ago. Even longer than that. I heard my kids joking about it I think when my son was graduating high school in 2012. By the time Miley did it on TV, it had pretty much come and gone. Now ya’ know when your semi-retired dentist in Rockport walking shoes mentions the word twerking, you just want to say “Sorry Pops, that’s about as hip as a fanny pack”. I never understood it as a serious dance, but it was funny as hell to make jokes about… as I said, a year ago.

twerk search chart

 

Now examples of adult trends that are so overdone, overposted, overused, overhyped, and should be just… over.

* Gluten-free. Ya’ll are always posting gluten-free recipes and talking about gluten-free this or that all the time. *I’ve changed this paragraph because the gluten-free folks were on a rampage and I don’t have the time or energy for it* I apologize if I seemed insensitive, but if you are a regular reader you know it’s part of my schtick. It’s like, would you go to an Andrew Dice Clay show and get upset because he made fun of you? Duh. Look you have the right to post your recipes, just as I have a right to be annoyed by constantly being bombarded with the word gluten-free all over the internet. My pet peeve. I have hot flashes from pre-menopause but you don’t hear me talk about it incessantly.

* Cross-fit. I have a niece that is heavily into it and I adore her, so I shouldn’t talk too bad about it, but seriously… I don’t post pics of me on the elliptical machine all the time, why should I care what you do for exercise?  I used to leg press 400 lbs, I never felt the need to post pics of it. And I find it funny that you pay to go to a gym to do shit that you could do in your backyard like push tires, fling ropes, jumping jacks, sit ups, jump rope… sorry.

* Selfies. I first saw selfies on Myspace 10 years ago. Oh yes, now it’s so funny to say “I’m taking a selfie” hee hee. *eye roll* Be truly creative and record like a rocket launch in the background or something and then I’ll think it’s interesting.

* Reposting articles or stories that have no basis in fact whatsoever. Are you that fucking stupid that you will just click on “share” every time you see a story about Michelle Obama spending $70 million on a plane ride for her favorite toothbrush or a child kicked out of school for saying “I love you”? It either neglects to tell you the real story (like the kid said I love you, but had a big boner he was rubbing against kid’s legs) or is just completely made up bullshit.Oh here’s one for you… “Did you know gullible isn’t in the dictionary?”… post that.

* Looking for, cooking with, or buying organic crap. It’s just a marketing ploy to get you to pay higher prices.

* Political memes. That’s just tired. And annoying. And not funny. None of you even know the true meaning of half of the “isms” you are calling people. You wouldn’t know a true socialist if they hit you in the face with a board.

Those are just a few of the things I’m sick of hearing about. Yea, I know you wish you were as cool as me and knew what was really trendy. The fact is it is so cool and esoteric that I can’t even tell you. I can’t post it. Me and the cool kids club only whisper about it to each other in dark alleys.

 

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Your Job Has Loved You Long Time, Now You Go!

20 Mar

People always act like it’s so tragic when an employer closes down and someone loses their job that they held for 25 years there. Girl, I’d be happy if I could work somewhere for a year before getting laid off. I used to look for a job every 6 months. I’d love to have that stability. and on top of it, you’ll get like 2,4,6,20 weeks of severance pay and all this, that, and the other comfy cushion. You can breathe a little while looking for your next job. Me, it was see ya’ don’t let the door hit ya’, then they’d fight me on the unemployment I was owed.

Now, don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to be mean or minimize anything, losing a job is never good. But I get annoyed when people can’t ever see the other side of things. All they see is their world, their own little microcosm, where everything is about them and their wants and needs. You may think you’re world is crashing down around you, there are other people that would give their right arm to be in your position. Seriously. Ok maybe not an arm, but me personally, I’d disfigure myself for it. But not the face!

You see, I was just reading an article that someone posted online about a business closing in my hometown where 400 people would lose their jobs. That city hasn’t had the best of luck. But anyway… there were all these people complaining about being there 15, 20, 25, 30 years and Oh my God the world is ending.

Them – “But I’ll have to roll over my 401k!”

Me – “Girl, I’ve never worked for a place that had enough employees or money to have a 401k”

Them – “But I’m losing all my vacation! I’ve had 8 week vacation from being their so long!”

Me – “Most small start-ups make you work 1099 so they don’t have to give you vacation. I haven’t been on a vacation since 1988.”

Them – “My health insurance is gone!”

Me – “Well, yea that’s a shitty one. And no employer offers it anymore since they realized they can save money by dicking us. They’ll either keep you at part-time so they don’t have to provide it, or they have a really crappy plan where you ‘only have to pay $1,000 a month’ for this great benefit we provide you” “Welcome to the new world order.”

Them – “My pension, my stock options!”

Me – *Blank stare*

Me – “Don’t make me kick your ass.”

I’ve known many people over decades that were losing jobs after a nice long run. The fact of the matter is, employers don’t give a shit anymore. It’s how the world is these days. If they aren’t making the profits they want, they won’t bat an eyelash at closing a place and kicking it’s employees to the curb.

piss off

Some of you have no idea what it’s like out there in the trenches. Me, I’ve been in a business that chews up people and spits them out without even a hiccup for years. I’ve worked in radio, television, real estate, and marketing over the past 27 years. Some of those all at the same time. Marketing is a very competitive business, there are lots of people vying for jobs, and there’s always a kid right out of college willing to work for half your pay. There are lots of small companies that need marketing and have no idea what they’re doing, so they bring someone in and when they don’t magically raise their profits by 200%, they fire them.

I would get one part-time job, but I’d have to keep looking for another part-time job to equal full-time. Then I’d find a new one, breathe for a minute, and the other one ends. Wash, rinse, repeat. So looking for a job was a never ending job. And now as a freelance writer, I’m constantly looking for opportunities (read: jobs). Just like actors, endlessly going on auditions, and even when they do get a gig, who knows how long it will last? A day, a month, a year, if you’ve been anointed by Christ?

“Well, Madge why don’t you stop doing that and get a real steady job?”

*blank stare*

“Bah hahahahahahahahaha.”

“Because those are just falling off trees for people like me, right?”

 

So people who are losing jobs after decades in the same place, consider yourself blessed. No really, I mean it. You’ve had a run that only a mere fraction of us has had. To have a cushion of 3 months pay and not have to worry about running out to Target the next day to try and find a job… any job… just to eat, because the asshole small company you worked for wants to fight your unemployment so they can hold onto every nickel? Is like winning the lottery to some of us. It truly is. I would kill for stability. It doesn’t have to be forever, any period of time where I could take a breath for a while would be stability.

I know some people can’t handle change, but put on your big boy hat and coat and go find another job. You can do it. You’ve been blessed beyond belief, and you have a great resume with stability on it (or complacency, however they view it), so set fire upon the Earth – as the Jesuits like to say. You are one of the few, the proud, the people who have been employed longer than a year somewhere!

My Adventures with Strippers

6 Mar

I was at  a business’ client appreciation reception with a Mardi Gras theme on Tuesday night.  There were a bunch of people in attendance that I knew pretty well, so it was pretty relaxed, not stuffy.  So after a glass of wine and a nip from the Bourbon tasting table… I slipped into a stand-up set.  I just love it when you get in with a group at a party that just clicks and the one liners just start to flow back and forth.  I swear to God, that’s like a freakin’ aphrodisiac for me.  Seriously.  Like, I’m not even kidding.  Oh sorry, I got a little distracted…

So I was in a group that included a psychiatrist, a film producer, a creative portfolio website founder, and… somebody else that I don’t remember that didn’t really contribute.  We got on the topic of therapy and the benefits thereof and one of the gentleman said “Where else can you pay your money and have someone’s undivided attention for a short time (as long as you’re paying) and they pretend they care?”  To which I quickly threw in, “Isn’t that what a strip club is for?” and everyone busted out laughing.  I was told “You’re good!” and “You’re quick!”  But self-congratulation is not why I mention this story… the conversation of course turned to strip clubs.

Thank God the conversation got interrupted after about 30 seconds or it could have gone terribly wrong.  But it did get me to thinking… strip clubs are like a psychological anthropological dig.  Yes, I have been to strip clubs a few times.  And you’ll probably think I’m a freak but I don’t go for any sort of sexual pleasure.  I thrive on people watching.  I mean at first it was kind of “titillating” (heh)  to see real live naked boobies, you know that taboo weird woman thing, now… I don’t care.  I’ve actually become a connoisseur of breasts, I appreciate a good natural one, strictly from a “beauty of the natural naked body” art thing.

So anyway, my first  trip ever to a strip club when I lived in Denver was a place called “Shotgun Willy’s”.  It was probably 10 years ago, maybe 12.  I think with a guy friend, just to be funny.  It wasn’t that memorable, I felt awkward. One thing is for sure, female strippers love when women come in.  Probably for many reasons – they think they are more safe then men, they get a kick out of making them feel embarrassed (it’s cute), them sticking their boobies in the face of a woman will get the male customers all hot and bothered thus spending more money, and finally, just something different from the sometimes creepy men.

633821078592410435-strippers

I made several other trips over the years, most every time with a group of co-ed drunk friends.  Probably the most bizarre visit was to this weird hybrid strip club, again in Denver, many years ago.  It was a strip club/dance bar with a section for amateurs.  I kid you not.  Go figure I find out it’s also a breeding ground for swingers!  So the girlfriend of a friend of mine (who, surprise! I find out later are swingers) goes to the “amateur” area.  She starts dancing topless while dirty toothless day laborers stood there and leered at her, while attempting to stuff dollars in… places.  I had several friends urge me to try… “Aw hellllllll naw” was my reply.  Girl I’m more of a private dancer *wink wink*… not to mention I could just see one of my kids coming home from school saying, “Jimmy’s Daddy saw your boobies!”

When I moved back to Rochester, I lost my group of drunk strip club friends.  But after a few years I found more.  I’ve gone a few times to this place in Rochester that… I don’t want to be mean but well, it’s not known for being “high end”.  It’s basically a dive bar, with a walkway over by the other wall, with a jukebox on the wall where girls covered in tattoos and c-section scars put in their own music then writhe around on the floor then wipe it down with Windex afterwards (dead serious).  Sounds hot, no?  It’s just so freakin’ interesting to me because you get people from all walks of life in their!  I’ve seen some of the wealthiest men in town and homeless men in there.  Again with the people watching, it’s completely fascinating.

Two of the funniest things I’ve ever heard in there were… a friend of mine became friendly with one dancer (who is about my age, oy, but gorgeous) in there, so one time we walk in and say hello and start chatting.  She starts looking around and says “Oh I’m listening, I’m just looking for my daughter who’s supposed to be coming in, she’s thinking about starting to dance here”  Ummmmm.  Well, there’s some fine mother-daughter bonding there.  At least keep it in the family, right?  You know how some families discuss things like, “I went to Vassar, and my Mother went to Vassar, and her Mother went to Vassar”… yea, imagine that dinner convo, “Well I’m a proud third generation Grope-a-cabana dancer!”

The other was this time we were talking to this older, heavyset dancer, now mind you something about her was still sexy.  She had a beautiful face, huge cans, but the rest was ya’ know a little big for a stripper.  So I do my usual psychological experiment and start talking to her trying to get her “story”.  I notice her shoes, they were pretty cool, not those usual “stripper clown shoes” as I call them with ridiculous platforms and heels… they were almost Louboutin-esque hooker shoes.  She said, “Thanks, my Mother got them for me when I was stripping in Vegas”.  Ummmm.  Again, I’m not gonna’ judge but I don’t think that’s something I or my daughter’s would ever say… in. our. lifetime.

Then there is the time we were talking to a dancer (who was 40ish) when she was not on stage and she says she just moved here to take care of an ailing relative and said she just started dancing here for extra money and to get out and make some friends.  Ok.  I.  Uh.  What, would the co-workers at Target be to boring for ya’?  It just struck me how it was one extreme to another, being Florence Nightingale to a dying, aging relative during the day to strutting around in a neon mesh dress and bikini picking up dollar bills with your vajay muscles… whatever makes you happy!

Someday maybe I’ll go to a “high end” strip joint, then again no it’s not why I go.  Believe it or not a lot of the women in these places still have hope.  They are still trying to earn money.  Yea, some are makin’ it just to buy more drugs but some are trying to get by and they often speak of “not doing it forever”, however that place seems to be pushing retirement age higher and higher.  And I know to a lot of them it’s their rock bottom too.  I don’t know, I think I also get a little happiness out of the smile I see on their faces when someone treats them with respect, listens to them and treats them like a human being and not a receptacle.  And it’s great material for my writing.  Am I a user too then?  Nah, I think I like to present all sides of the human spirit and all the joy, pride, ridiculousness, and mistakes we experience.

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