Archive | August, 2013

I Fought the Law… and Got My Ass Kicked. Duh.

29 Aug

What the fuck is wrong with people?  You can’t beat the man.  The Clash just said it… I fought the law and the law won.  I know this song is mostly about someone who tried to break the law and was caught.  But I think it’s all encompassing… like the idiots who try to resist arrest.  The law will most always win.

There were two stories today in the local news about people resisting arrest.  You can pretty much find one in the news everyday.  This one was even videotaped.  Ok, I didn’t really want to post it but I will.  It’s disturbing and annoying with all of the squawking but you get the idea.  Hey, if you’ve watched “Cops” in the last 25 years, you’ve seen this scenario hundreds of times.

So now every urban church group and African American leader in town is crying foul.  Yea, I’m not sure if it’s police policy to punch a female in the head but here are two facts I know…  when a policeman gives you an order you must comply, also a policeman will keep at it until you are restrained, he will not throw up his hands and say “Ok, you’re pregnant you can go.”  Chances are if you are fighting like this woman, he doesn’t know what she will do if he lets go.  If she cared so much about her baby… why didn’t she stop wrestling the guy?

The other story was about a kid who punched a cop during a traffic stop and tried to run away.  Really?  He already has your license plate number, he has you on dashboard cam, even if you got away on foot temporarily, they will eventually come for your ass.  But they did catch this kid right away and now, SURPRISE… he’s got a whole new longer list of charges added to the original which was probably just a traffic ticket or maybe he had weed or something.  You just compounded your problems ten-fold.

When did society become so stupid and have no respect for authority?  Yes, I get it there have been crooked cops throughout history.  But one bad apple… yada yada.  Also, if you are claiming unlawful arrest or police brutality, no judge will believe you after they’ve seen the video of you fighting the cop.  You’re better off complying and making the case later.  I defy anyone who tells me they know of someone who tried to resist arrest and got away.

The story in the video above… police were called for a domestic dispute and when they arrived several people were fighting in the street.  When they tried to arrest one of the people involved, the “Pregnant” woman above starts yelling and threatening the police with pepper spray because it was her brother.  Tha’ fuck?  Did she really think she would win that argument?  Has she ever heard of obstruction of justice?  Does she not know threatening a police officer is illegal?  And finally, if she is pregnant… would you put yourself in that position?

I actually think people like that enjoy being a victim and suffering at the hands of “being wronged”.  That way you don’t have to take responsibility for any part they played.  Works like a charm, right?

Those type of people blame everyone else in the world for their problems.  They are wrongfully blamed for everything and have no responsibility, it’s always someone else’s fault.  It’s all about ego and bravado.  Whether you are guilty or innocent, punching or threatening a cop won’t get you off.  I mean you know, get you out of the being restrained by police thing… not get off in a sexual way, unless of course you’re into that.  Either way, I don’t advise it.

I’ve known plenty of policeman in my day (I’m Irish, duh) and I’ve watched plenty of documentaries to know that police will do what they have to to restrain someone.  I actually had a cop friend who had to punch a woman in the face and he felt terrible about it but she was like mauling him, he had to get her off of him.

Again, I know not every cop is on the up and up but do you really think you’ll get away if you try to fight them?  One way or another you’ll get caught.  You should have just done what the man said.

What do you think?  Would you ever punch a cop?

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“Miley, Joe Francis Wants to Know if He Can See Your Boobs”

27 Aug

Yea, for lack of anything better to write today (which is balogna, I have a lot, just not the time), I’m going to hop on the Miley Cyrus search engine train.  Yes, hopefully I’ll show up in a search and all will come flocking to my blog!  Pfffft.

Anyway, my two cents…

I was her once.  Well, not that I was a child star trying to make my mark in the grownup world… I mean I was her age once.  The age where you are caught between child and adult.    I think every woman has gone through this, some to different degrees of course.   I get it, I get it, you’ve had to be so squeaky clean for years and being raised in the spotlight with a Dad with bad hair and all… it’s tough.

It happens… as girls we are taught to be good, polite, pretty,  smart, demure, and neatly dressed.   But at some point we get all “You can’t tell me what to do!  I’m an adult now, I can do anything I want!”  Add to that you start to get tingly sensations in your naughty bits that you never had before and you’re just dying for someone to touch your boobies.   But most likely you still live it home (whether in college or not), still have stuffed animals on your bed, and still enjoy a Disney movie when you are home alone.  Stuck between a kid and an adult place.

She speaks for every girl who got shit-faced, snot-hanging drunk in her first weekend at college and danced on the bar, showed her boobs, and did some grinding on the faculty adviser of that one fraternity house.   Except this chick did it in front of millions and will forever be on tape.   Of course regular college girl could have same problem if Joe Francis and “Girls Gone Wild” comes around taping.  “Go ahead start making out with your friend and show us your tit-tays”

Lucky for college girls of my day,  the only capturing of the night was done in memory and with time people forget.

I’m not saying what she did was bad or whatever… it was just dumb.  It was just a shock-value thing.  There was no artistic-value whatsoever – the singing was bad and she can’t dance.  And the part of having all big-bootied black backup dancers was in poor taste.  Like really poor racist-ish taste.  Who didn’t think that one through?

Girl just looked stupid.  Yes, yes it’s fun to play with a foam hand and pretend it’s a phallic symbol, we’ve all done it (what, you haven’t?)… but that’s your performance on national TV?   We call her performance “the shit you did in your dorm room with friends as you’re getting ready to go out.”  And that’s probably where it should stay.

But above all… put your mother fuckin’ tongue back in your mouth!  Ain’t nothin’ sexy ’bout that.  Every 2 seconds with the tongue!  You know who puts their tongue out like that all the time?   People I used to work with in an institution who were severely mentally disabled with Down’s Syndrome, that’s who.   Not to be un-PC, but ya’ ever hear the term “window licker”?  I rest my case.

I just watched the video again.  I wasn’t offended, I just feel really embarrassed for her.  It was just dumb.  No need to crucify or chastise her.  But if she wanted press… she achieved her goal.  High-five, Miley!

 

BTW, digital version of my book is only $.99 right now on Amazon.com!  Get yours today!

Sports Moms I’d Like to Take a Meat Cleaver To…

22 Aug

I am proud to announce that my 16 year old daughter just made the varsity soccer team at her high school.  And I might add, it is the same all girls Catholic high school that soccer superstar Abby Wambach played for!  A fine soccer tradition, indeed.  I’m so proud!

Which brings me to a subject my dear friend Wendi has suggested a few times but I’ve stayed away from because I fear I might explode while writing the blog.  The subject is…

Sports Moms

I’m pretty sure those of us at a certain age never had a parent present ever when we played sports.  I competed in gymnastics, swimming, track, and cheerleading from about the age of 6 thru high school, was a college cheerleader (don’t laugh) and attempted swimming for a month or two in college and decided it took much time away from fraternity parties.  But I digress, I did all those sports and really don’t ever remember my parents being at any of those events.  And that’s just how it was back then.

Oh wait, I do remember my Dad being at a few events because he was a swim and track official at times.  You know, the guy with the starting gun?  But ya’ know he wasn’t allowed to cheer for us or I think even acknowledge we were his children.  Hell, he even got paid. Great, my Dad got paid to watch my sport events.  *dejected face*

Now I’m a Sports Mom.  Over the past 16 years, my kids have participated in hockey, football, rugby, soccer, tennis, softball, track, cross country, volleyball, and lacrosse.

It’s all different now, there is such peer pressure (and I believe school pressure) for parents to attend every damn event their kid has, that you begin to get a label.  And the peer pressure has had some Moms create their own bad label.  Sports Moms in particular have very specific types.

But before I reveal the types of Sports Mom can I just make a public plea to DO AWAY WITH THE FUCKING MID-GAME AND POST-GAME SNACK!  We didn’t need it, they don’t!  I survived an entire swim meet without a snack in the middle.  My brothers survived basketball and football games without a snack in the middle.  Nor did we need a snack the second the game finished, we some how survived the ride home or the ride to the burger joint.   My kids are, thank the sweet nekkid baby Jesus, past the snack age.  But when I had three kids playing 3 sports a year and I had to pay attention to a God damn snack schedule?  I wanted to gut the team Mom like a fish.

So stop it.

Ok, Types of Sports Moms…

1.  The Pitbull.  Bitch, you crazy!  She acts like her kid is playing in the NHL, when it’s an age 8-9 year old house league game.  She’s hollerin’ and screamin’ and usually has no idea of the rules of the game.  Her: “Tripping?  That wasn’t tripping!  Terrible call, Ref!”  Me (on same team):  “Yea, actually it was tripping.   We deserve the penalty.”  Also 9 times out of 10 her kid is a God-awful player.

2.  The Nursemaid.  According to her, her kid has every ailment known to mankind.  Of course the kid has asthma and peanut allergies.  Then he gets on the field and falls down, she has to have the coach pull him out and check him for a concussion.  Then she’s got the kid thinking he has every ailment, when he doesn’t so he becomes really hesitant.  “Oh look out for Jimmy’s fallen arches!”.  Might as well just put your kid in bubble wrap, lady.

3.  Pep Squad Mom.   This Mom lives vicariously through her child and becomes obsessed with their activities.  She’s the one that has the stick figure stickers on the car that portray what the kid is into.  In addition she has a plethora of  “Titan Cheer – Ashley” and “Warrior Hockey – Dylan” emblem stickers on the back of the car.  If that weren’t bad enough, she takes it upon herself to place an order for “Monarch Soccer” three-quarter zip sweatshirts that I can’t afford but now am getting pressured to get from the kid because “everyone else on the team is ordering one”.  Fuck you, lady.

4.  The Invisible Mom.  Never shows up to anything.  Kid always needs a ride home.  Never volunteers.  Kid never has necessary paperwork or equipment.

5.  The Assistant Coach.  This parent is not really a coach but sits on the sideline the entire game, yelling instructions and giving her evaluation of every position, player, and play.   Lady, you mention one more time that my kid hangs back too much, I’m going to come over and punch you in the throat.  Until they put you on the bench with the kids… STFU!

6.  The Slacker Mom.  Unfortunately this is what I’ve become.  When I was due to bring snack, I usually had to run to the corner store during the game and buy a package of Rice Krispie Treats because I never remembered my snack time.  God forbid I like, cut up orange slices or made homemade whatevers… I’m a shitty mom, I know.  I used to have my folding chair in a bag right there on the sidelines, but now… I sit in the car half the time.  Fall and Spring are still cold in NY!  I’ve been watching kids play sports for 16 years now, I deserve a comfy seat.  Hey, I keep the window partially opened, so I can cheer on my kid a little!

7.  The Twat.   She only has a select few parents on the team she will talk to.  She is far superior to you.  She is usually dressed in tennis or golf attire or Vineyard Vines.  She is not paying all that much attention to what’s going on on the field or in the pool or on the rink… but she will make sure you all overhear what’s going on in her life.  “Well Ted and I just got back from the Cayman’s.  We needed to get back to take Anna to her horse show.  Then we are taking the kids to Europe.  But making sure we have enough time afterwards to take Hunter to ski school in Vermont for the winter.”  I always want to say, “Oh I just got back from the Dept. of Social Services re-certifying for foodstamps, oh it’s just lovely there this time of year!”  But now my kids keep telling me they are going to step in and say, “My Mom wrote a book, did you?”  I admire my feisty kids.

Did I miss any type of Mom?  I’m sure I did.  Add your favorite types in the comments below…

(also don’t forget to check out my new blog for DivorcedMoms.com right here)

Obama Has Radical Muslim Conjoined Twin Hidden Under His Clothes Secretly Running Country

20 Aug

You know what, I really like Facebook… it lets me keep in touch with friends and relatives and I can advertise my book for free. 🙂  It serves a purpose but lately I swear I’m getting dumber by the day reading it.

I don’t claim to be the smartest person in the world… hell not even the smartest person in the room.  But I do believe I possess common sense.  What is common sense?  How does one cultivate or obtain common sense?  Can it be taught?  Is it in the genes?

I’ve seen incredibly brilliant book smart people who have no common sense at all.  I have seen some people who are not so book smart have some good common sense, maybe not in all facets of life but ya’ know, whatevs.  How is this?  Is it all on the parents?  Trial and error?  IQ?

Well, here is my attempt to give a common sense tutorial.

I’ll start it out with some tough love…

If you believe everything you read on Facebook… YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON!

Sorry it had to be said.  Consider it an intervention.

Even if it’s information on a  cause you hold dear to your heart, don’t take things you read as gospel.  Just because it is in a graphic made in Photoshop, doesn’t make it so.  I’m really sad that some of my friends that I thought were pretty intelligent will re-post things with such gusto and fervor as a Bolshevik at the Revolution.  You want it so badly to be true that you don’t even fact check.

I submit to the people, Exhibit A…

The Obamas Had Their Dog Airlifted to Them on Vacation

Click on the link and read the Snopes.com investigation results.  Even if you hate Obama, really do you think this would happen?  Well, yea you probably do… but that’s just dumb.  Sorry.

I submit to the people Exhibit B…

Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives

Um, I think this would be reported by major news agencies if it were true.  It has not.  Unless you are a conspiracy theorist and believe that all news media are fakes and frauds and hiding the TRUTH.  I’m sorry, I may lose friends but here goes…

I have worked in the media for years.  I have been a reporter and a journalist.  I still do something investigative work freelance style.  I am not beholden to anyone.  I research all angles and sides.  I work with tons of people who are reporters, journalists, producers, news directors.  There is no conspiracy to withhold the truth.  Yes, from time to time people use language that may put a certain slant on things just like Fox News, just like MSNBC.  But it’s just usually how the reporter views the story.   I will admit though, that even in large news agencies there is a HUGE lack of fact checking in lieu of having an exclusive.  The news cycle is immediate and 24 hours now, no time to check facts.  Hence things like “40 people killed in house fire”, two hours later – ” no one killed in house fire, 4 people injured”.  But you all re-Tweet the first headline don’t you?

flip-flopping-obama-from-trekbbs-thanks-obama-meme-lol-wtf

But it doesn’t mean you have to be a fucking moronic mouth breather and believe everything you see and read!  Take a deep breath and collect all the facts.  Try to use common sense.  (would a Nigeria prince really want me to help him hide his fortune… really?)  Don’t re-Tweet or re-post a stupid ass graphic until you’ve looked it up.  And if you still feel the need to re-post than well, I guess we don’t have much in common and I can’t help you to have rational thought.  I love you all even if you do believe gullible is in the dictionary.   🙂

Madge’s Perverse Reality Show Pitches

15 Aug

My daughter was watching a show last night on the Discovery Channel that made me so uncomfortable, I watched for like 5 minutes and had to get up and leave the room.  I have never been so disturbed by a TV show.  It’s called “Naked and Afraid”.  Have you seen it?

The premise is it takes two strangers, a man and a woman, takes them out to the middle of nowhere… and I’m not talking like, ya’ know the backwoods of Maine or something, they drop them  in Borneo and Tanzania!  Oh it gets worse… when they get out of the vehicle they undress and that’s it for the clothes… FOR THREE FUCKING WEEKS!!!!  The first time the man and woman meet they are completely naked.  The goal is to survive 21 days in the wild, bucknaked, with a complete stranger and let the hilarity ensue.  Who on God’s green fucking Earth would sign up for that?!  Ok, maybe a day or two… but 3 weeks?

From what I saw they had to capture and cook their own food.  I saw they had a knife, so I guess they’re allowed that.  They have to make their own shelters, fire, and clothing if they so choose.  So they show them naked shivering at night, covered in leaves for warmth.  They’re wet all night if it rains.  They are covered in bug bites or other sores or parasites or sunburns or rashes.  How the hell is this a challenge one would want to do?!  I could barely make it through the challenge of sitting at a bar for an hour that made bad martinis!  That’s all the “roughing it” I can do.  I’d suffer a bad martini for God and country, I would.

After they were showing a closeup of a medic coming in and trying to remove some sort of… “living thing” that was burrowing in this guy’s skin, I said “I’m out” and folded my TV watching hand.

It got me to thinking… do people really enjoy this stuff?  Watching other people suffer?  I’ve never even been able to watch “Survivor” over the years, I just don’t derive entertainment from watching people live like animals and suffer and junk.  If people do actually enjoy this stuff, I’ve thought of a few ideas to pitch to the networks…

1.  “The Anal Fissure Show”

Contestants compete weekly to contributing everything they can to creating a gigantic hemorrhoid on their sphincter.  This includes eating binding foods, getting constipated and pushing too hard to get it out, and standing for long periods.  Giving birth is a quick shortcut.  The winner gets to have it removed on tape for the viewing audience to see.

 

2.  “Prison Rape: Cycle 1”

Male contestants are put into maximum security general population and try to keep their proverbial anal hymen intact.  Winner gets a conjugal visit with a partner and trailer of their choosing.

 

3.  “North Korean Labor Camp Challenge!”

Endure long hours of intense labor, medical experiments and starvation… just to test your stamina.  Winner gets to live!

 

4.  “Wax This!”

Contestants get on the table and get ready to be ripped!  Not like ripped as in rippling muscles but like the hair ripped out of your body.  Folks lay down and let the pros go to work, one body part at a time… feet, legs, bikini, ass, back, stomach, chest, arms, lips, eyebrow… etc.  See how far you can get before you start screaming, “For the love of God, make it stop!”.  Winner gets a bottle of Aloe.

 

5.  “Operation Civil War Battlefield Medic!”

See if you can garner the most painful medical procedure on the battlefield just like they did in the good old days… with little or no anesthesia.  Bullet wound?  Pour a little whiskey in and pluck away.  Severed limb from a canon explosion?  Here’s a cloth tied in a knot to bite down on.  Winner gets to have limbs reattached on live TV.  Losers get sent home with no insurance benefits.

 

6.  “Sex Trafficking Tournament”

Parents are offered large sums of money to send their children off to “caretakers” in third world countries.  Caretakers then bet on their teams of young worker bees to see who can be the most popular and profitable target of pedophile love.  Winning team of children get to sleep in real bed, winning “caretaker” gets large sums of cash to spend in rest of Thailand.

 

They all sound like winners to me!  Would you watch?  Have any other bright ideas?

 

New Blog Announcement and Pick My Filth Writing Pen Name!

13 Aug

What up skanks?!  I’ve got some interesting news!  I have been asked to write for a new website getting ready to launch – www.DivorcedMoms.com .  So I have started a new blog that will framed within the site but I am launching it separately first.  You can find it here http://singleparentmadge.wordpress.com/2013/08/12/so-whats-this-blog-all-about/ .  The new blog will be focused solely on single parenting and divorce, so if you are interested in those two subjects please follow me on that blog but please enjoy this one as well!  And stay tuned for DivorcedMoms.com to launch in the next month or two!

I will still be blogging here, just writing an additional blog over there.

So this new blog will be more professional, probably not like here where I say fuck a lot.  I’m going to try and use the experiences I’ve been through to help those who are newly divorced.  Hmmm, I think one of my words of wisdom will be “Don’t date until you have been divorced for a year”.   That doesn’t mean you can’t get laid… just don’t try and date or have a relationship, everybody is a mess the first year.

However, the one big thing I learned is that no one can tell you anything.  Meaning, even if they do give advice, you’re going to have to go through it and feel it, see it, hear it for yourself before it sinks in.  I’ll tell you not to date, but it might serve you just as well to go out and have a disastrous attempt at dating where you like him but he doesn’t like you and then you say some really needy things and he thinks you’re a crazy psycho.  Not like uh, that ever happened to me but you know… trial and error sometimes makes the best way to learn.

So, there’s that blog and this bog… I’ve often wanted to write another blog under a nom de plume,  where I can tell you all the adult stories I have that I don’t want my children to see.  Oh boy do I have a lot of those!  You know they involve bad words, borderline illegal activities and s-e-x.  So if I did, I’m not sure what name to use.  Hey, let’s have a little contest!  Suggest some names below and I will pick my favorite and use it as my name and you win a $10 gift card to Starbucks!  But of course if they all suck, I’m not picking any of them.  heh heh

Well, come on get started… and Jane Doe is not even an option.  Jane Do-me might be.  (ok not really that’s tacky)  Have at it!

If You Kids Don’t Go Outside, the Beatings Will Begin!

8 Aug

For those of us that have kids… the summer vacation is almost over or if you live on the East Coast like me we still have a month to go. Either way, I’ve been thinking about summer vacations of my youth and every time my kids say “I’m bored”, I try to remember what I did to occupy my time in the summer as a yute.

However, my kids are at different ages where one size does not fit all.  So I kind of ran through the stages of summer entertainment according to age group.  My kids now are 19-16-14.  So here we go:

Birth – 4

It’s pretty much all about the diaper changes, meals and naps.  There is the occasional foray into the kiddie pool or walk in the stroller.  But it’s just about the same as the rest of the year.  You just get a reprieve from putting so many clothes on a kid.  My son spent every summer of this time period in just shorts and no shirt.  Now at 19, he’s come full circle, never a shirt and I’m lucky if I get him to put on shorts.

Ages 5-8

This is about the time they start whining about friends.  “I want to play with Jimmy”, “I want to play with Suzie”.   Which makes it a little difficult because things aren’t the same as they were for us.  In my day, there were all these older brothers and sisters to play in the yard with you, so if you have a friend over, there’s some sort of supervision.  With no older kids to pawn them off on, you get to plant yourself outside and “supervise”.  Nowadays, everybody wants to have a God damn “play date”,  and you can’t really leave your kids that age unattended because there are lots of pervs around.  So you’re whole summer is spent being a “Dry Land Life Guard”.

Also it;s not like in our day where we lived in city neighborhoods and you just walked across the street to play.  Now everybody lives in the suburbs on estates and kids need a fucking tram to get house to house.  So at this point getting them into camps and activities kind of takes care of the socializing and entertaining in one fell swoop.

If you’re a working parent, you just dump these kids in day care all summer anyhow.  That’s what I had to do and be all guilt-ridden.

Ages 9-12

At this age in my day, we left the house after breakfast and had to be home by the time the street lights came on.  Kids can be left unattended outside at this point but not endlessly like we could.   You’re lucky if you live in a development where they can run free.  But the level of entertainment satiation kicks up a notch.  Rolling a ball to each other doesn’t quite do the trick.  However, kid-organized games of soccer or capture the flag start to come in handy.  But then they want to bring in the whole neighborhood to play video games.   “Go outside!” becomes the Mom’s mantra.  But in your head it sounds like “God, will you kids get the fuck out of the house so I can get it clean for one minute before the next mess starts?”.

If you work, this is where it gets tricky… can I save some money and let them stay home alone?  That’s a call only you can make.  Camps are still a good option.  If you stay at home… sports, sports, sports.

Ages 13-14

It’s all about the opposite sex.  Where can we go to see boys/girls?   “Let’s ride our bikes to the beach.”  Yes, yes!  Go!  Go off on your own and entertain yourselves.  just be on the look out for pervs and don’t take rides from strangers.   That’s what we did back then and it’s pretty much the same now except for that suburban sprawl and needing rides things.   So sometimes in lieu of getting on bikes, they just Skype or text or Tweet or Facebook chat.  And that’s when, “Please, for the love of God, go outside” is Mom’s mantra again.  They’re getting too old to enroll in some activities but too young to get a job.  Solution – again sports, sports, sports.  But be prepared for lots of attitude at this age.

Ages 15-18

Get a job.  Period, end of story.  And in your spare time you’re too tired to do anything, but if you do, get your rich friend who’s Mummy and Daddy bought them a car and can haul your ass around.  Oh but now I have to worry about sex, drugs, and alcohol.  There is always a gathering at someone’s house and now firepits are the big thing.  They go to some kid’s house and sit outback around the fire, and you know some damn kid will have a pint.  Come on kids, can’t you just be occupied without me having to worry?  Then of course we become the bleary eyed parents again like when they were babies, because we wait up for them to come home.

Ages 18/19-22

You’re in college, if you can’t entertain yourself by now you have issues.   You must have a job, hopefully it’s a job where you go work at a summer camp or go away to work on a fishing boat.  Take an adventure, it will serve you well.  I worked at a summer camp in Massachusetts and it was awesome.  Plus my parents saved on food and booze. (drinking age was 18 and 19 back then)  And of course… I was somebody else’s problem.   Maybe get an internship, something you can start to build a resume with.  And for God sake, don’t drink and drive.

Well,  I guess it’s evident that some age groups may get a little easier but the responsibility never ends.  I still have about more years to go with the summer struggle.  Lord have mercy…

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