Archive | July, 2013

As the Weird Guy Gropes…

30 Jul

I have about 5,000 things I want to write about at this time but some I don’t think are fit for human consumption.  I mean I just don’t know who’s reading anymore and I don’t want to piss anybody off or divulge their criminal acts.  heh

But this weekend I went to my high school reunion.  I went to two in fact.  You see I was born and raised in a city south of Buffalo, then when I was 16 my parents moved to a town basically between Rochester and Syracuse.  That fucked me up for life, but I’ll save that for another time.  I usually attend both and this year they were on the same weekend.  So I went to one place Friday and one place Saturday.  I think I had 5 hours sleep the entire weekend.

Me and Dolly

One of the more tame pictures of me partying this weekend (with my friend Denice)

Let’s face it high school pretty much sets up the model for the rest of your life.  In life as in high school there is a certain hierarchy to things, as well as cliques, groups, and types of personalities.  And don’t forget the politics.  I believe adult life involves far more politics in the workplace,  your kids schools and athletic teams than any other rinky dink problem in high school.  A douchebag boss who favors the co-worker with the big jugs and always gets the better client list is far more detrimental than the teacher who looked the other way while athletes cut class. (or smoked pot, or sexually harassed girls, or whatever… ok maybe the sexual harassment thing is a little more detrimental)

Wait, I’m kind of veering off the road of what I wanted to talk about.  Me go off on a tangent?  Never.  It’s like I was driving down I-95 and I suddenly end up at “Al’s Alligator Farm” on a dirt road with “Private land, no hunting” signs where they dump the bodies…

So anyway, the one thing you always have throughout life are different personalities.  There are just undeniable long standing stereotypes.  I love everybody and I am nice to everybody but I get frustrated at a point with one type…

The Weird Guy.

gary-busey-WI-oscars2008

The quintessential weird guy – Gary Busey.

I encountered a couple this weekend.  I always try and be nice to this person because I’m compassionate and I feel bad.  Everyone has good in them.  You never know, they may have a mental disability or a really fucked up home life or maybe they are a crack baby, I don’t know.  There are those select few who do outgrow weird guy status, but there are those that can’t seem to shake it to save their lives.

I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means but there are just some people (mainly guys) that are just incredibly socially awkward and end up being creepy.   Then they usually give me the “Oh I don’t know why women are so crazy and can’t date a nice guy like me”…

Dude… it’s not the wominz, it’s you.  You’re FUCKING CREEPY!

I want to help.  I really do.  I try.  I try to say things nicely.  “Maybe update your clothing, throw out your dead Grandpa’s clothes and hit Old Navy or The Gap, for Christ’s sake Target would be better than what you have on!”  Ok, I didn’t really say the last part.  I’ve said, “Don’t be so direct and “leering””  “Don’t make stupid outdated hokey jokes.”  “Learn to read body language, if she doesn’t seem interested, GO AWAY!  Save your dignity man.”  “A hug does not mean she wants to marry you… or sleep with you… or perhaps ever even talk to you again.”  “For the love of God, no unwanted touching… don’t grope!”  (I was subjected to a groper this weekend)

I don’t know, reading the above makes me consider the guys may be autistic.  I don’t mean that in a mean or funny way, it is actually a part of being autistic, not being able to interact socially in some cases.

I sometimes think the only way to get through to someone is tough love.  Like if you’ve ever seen “Millionaire Matchmaker” with Patti Stanger, she yells at them and is really blunt.  Which I sometimes find offensive but I do think it’s the only way to get through to some people.  Because if you’re nice… they think you are interested and want to date them.   See, they can’t filter properly.  So she yells, “Stop being so fucking creepy”.  Expletives bleeped out of course.

There are times that the best thing that happened to me was someone getting in my face and telling me to stop being so whiny, or bitchy, or filled with self-doubt, or fat or whatever… (there’s a list, believe me)

Maybe that’s the only way to get through to some people.  I always listen to criticism and try to change, even when it’s painful.  Holy crap, especially after putting my stuff out there with a book, I’ve been told everything from “You are hilarious and will be a best seller!” to “I just wiped my ass with your book.”  I was even told to change my picture.  But I take it all in, process, change some stuff, take inventory, and move on.  I wonder if some people just don’t have that capability.  Then there are the people that hear and don’t change a thing because they are convinced they know better.  Ummmm, how’s that been working for you so far?  Still not dating any women or getting a new job, well then by all means keep on doin’ what you’re doin’.  Keep on keepin’ on!  Stay creepy!  Try to remember… change is good.

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When is it Safe to Call a Molester a Molester?

25 Jul

A lot of things I read last week got me thinking about perceived danger and being trusting or not being stupid and protecting yourself.

Let’s face it…

Wait I just got distracted… the Today Show just showed an extreme closeup of a bowl of corn.  WTF?

So, back to what I was saying… let’s face it, making decisions is really a gut instinct.  You can use your experience, other’s experience, textbook warning signs but it all comes down to gut instinct in the end.  Am I right, folks?   Well maybe the gut instinct of a paranoid schizophrenic shouldn’t be trusted,  but who am I to say…

What bugs me is when someone has a gut instinct about someone, but nothing has happened yet, or nothing bad enough has happened yet to warrant any action.  Like how you can’t arrest someone for stalking unless they’ve done something threatening.  Or say a guy starts exhibiting signs of an abuser… he hasn’t hit you yet but you can tell it’s going there.  Name calling, control, arm grabbing.  You get out but you still have fear.  Do you warn other women, is it fair to label him?  I guess you just keep your mouth shut?

Here’s a very personal thing I’m going to share with you…  A few years ago I had a person on my ex-husband’s side of the family doing something that caught my attention.  Every time one of my children came home from their house, this child had a few new pairs of more adult type underwear (they were still in kid themed undies).  And the tag of the underwear was signed, “Love, (and the person’s initials)”.   The first time it happened the stuff wasn’t too adult and I just knew the person was weird anyway, so I shrugged it off.  They are not the sharpest tool in the shed.  But when the undies  came home again they got more adult, I thought this is not right.  I started asking questions.  No direct offenses were taking place but found out this person was getting them ready for baths at an age when they should just start to be having some privacy or only same sex in room.

I brought it up to the person.  They vehemently denied anything and then started telling the kids they were ingrates because they didn’t appreciate what they gave them (creepy underwear).  Then the spouse of this person joined in, getting nasty to the kids.  Then I’d remembered back a good 12 years before we got a letter from an old neighbor of this person saying that person had molested the letter writer.  We investigated, person denied it, and our investigation (we thought) didn’t add up because the letter writer wasn’t much younger than this person.  But re-thinking it years later when we were more adult, the age difference was just enough for LW to be underage and that person to know better.  That was all I needed for my gut to tell me to distance ourselves.   And I wanted to throw up.

I questioned the kids enough to find out if anything happened but as to not make them feel guilty, bad, or scared. (fine line)  To me it seems I caught things just in time.  However, it seems right after I decided to make distance, they did a pre-emptive strike and distanced themselves, acting all indignant.  My gut made me think this person realized they couldn’t put one past me.  But that’s just my gut, I could be wrong.  My gut tells me an innocent person would feel bad or embarrassed because they didn’t think about it.  Guilty people usually get mad and project.

Not to mention, those people were the last shred of any type of “family support” nearby after my ex vanished.  I felt sick and alone and betrayed and lost but most of all scared and worried for my children.  Part of me wanted to beat the shit out of them.  A big part.

So… is it fair for me to “label”?  The signs are there but nothing overt happened.  Do I tell other people in the family to keep their kids away?  But we don’t talk to anyone anymore, I don’t know who would go over there, they are pretty anti-social.  I can’t report or bring suit because being creepy or predatory or “grooming the victim” is not a crime.  My conscious eats at me sometimes.  But is it just my perception?  There may be people out there that think I was wrong or over-reacting.

I guess you have to make your own decisions but please please please pay attention to things happening around you.  There are things that can be prevented to a degree.  To what degree you take is your own doing.  I stopped at removing myself from the situation, others would have gone over with a gun, others would have ignored it and remained status quo.  Where are you on the spectrum?

National Lampoon’s Vacation Was Pretty Much Spot On

18 Jul

Taking a little trip tomorrow, going down to Pittsburgh for my niece’s high school graduation party.  About a 4 hour drive.  Yea, this is about the closest my kids will come to a summer vacation this year… a weekend in Pittsburgh, woot!  I can’t even imagine taking a week and going somewhere and staying in a hotel.  That just doesn’t happen in my world.  That’s why you need to buy my book…  🙂

So, it got me to thinking of the family vacations of my youth.  We didn’t go on a ton because with 6 kids it was pretty chaotic and expensive.  But as more and more kids left the house, we went on some excursions.

This isn’t going to be a “things were so much better in my day” blog, because they weren’t.  Damn, I envy kids now with all the shit you can do in a car on a long road trip.  DVD players, video games, iPods, iPads.  What did we have?  A window to look out, maybe a book if you could read it without throwing up, the license plate game, poking your siblings, and enduring your parent’s music on the radio (a little Herb Alpert, some Perry Como, a little Andy Williams, maybe some Ray Coniff if you’re lucky).

Two or three times my parents had the brilliant idea of driving from our home in NY to Arizona in the middle of the summer.  It seems a couple of my older siblings had moved out there for college and such and my parents wanted to see their little darlings in 115 degree weather.  The first time I remember going across country we all piled into our Ford Country Squire station wagon with no air conditioning.  It had to be like 1973, maybe ’74.  I think 5 of the 6 kids went.   My parents eventually put the seat down in back so we could all lay down, kind of looked like a game of Tetris.  Then God forbid you moved.  I was so tiny I curled up on top of an ice chest my parents had in the back of the wagon, it was a nice cool spot.  Booster seats didn’t exist.  My brother Tom wasn’t so lucky, he slept next to the window on the sunny side and woke up with the left half of his body sunburned.  Remember all the windows were open, no A/C.

1972_Ford_Country_Squire

This was pretty much the car, about same color.

And we always took our station wagon to our yacht too.

I remember on the way out we stopped in Colorado to visit one of my oldest sister’s friends, she was like about 22 at the time.  They were some hippies that lived on a farm and I had the bright idea of going running out into a cow pasture with flip flops on.  I remember being so incredibly grossed out, I wanted to throw up.  But I didn’t, which is amazing because I have a long history of throwing up on vacation as a youth.  The good old days.

It’s kind of funny now looking back on those  vacations.  I think on that vacation we were taking my oldest sister out their to live.  So any time we went we were going to visit my 20 something siblings in the mid 70’s who were trying to hide their pot and shrooms from my parents.  I need to ask them about that now, I didn’t even think about it then as I was a little kid.

My kids and I have gone on a handful of trips, mostly to visit my siblings.  Like I said no money for real vacations.  But I hope they have some good memories from family road trips, they are wonderful bits of your youth, even if you were throwing up or being poked in the car.

I’d Only Trust My Ass to a Professional

16 Jul

Trust my big Irish ass when  I tell you that this blog is not going to be about the Zimmerman trial.  Or the verdict of the Zimmerman trial.  I may make reference to it, but it’s not about that.

I don’t know about you, but the last thing I fucking want if I get in trouble with the law is to be tried by a “jury of my peers”.   Maybe back in the 8th Century when juries first came about, it was probably a fair way to do things.  General consensus and all that.  One sheep herder judging another.  Charlemagne was even havin’ juries interrogatin’ and shiz!

But in today’s society, trials have become much more sophisticated and rather than weighing out the evidence, it seems like trials are about nitpicking the law until you find a loophole.  So in that case, I want some damn professionals that know the law deciding my fate, not Betty the Wal-Mart greeter who dropped out of school in the 9th grade and thinks Elvis is still alive.  (or Tupac, you know whatever)

Well, I guess if I know I did it but I won’t admit it but the evidence is overwhelming, yea I’d want that Joe Schmo jury.  But ya’ know what it reminds me of, this current state of criminal trials…  the old Monty Phython sketch, “Confuse a Cat”…  (the last minute or two of the video is what some trials look like)

It just seems that if you thrown enough shit against the wall to confuse the jury and see what sticks is what they’ll come up with. Remember the Bill Clinton trial and “It depends on what the definition of “is” is”?  Why not have a jury of attorneys or something?  Or political science professors?  Or at the very least someone who has seen a few episodes of Judge Judy?

Which brings me to another point, sure it was a jury of George Zimmerman’s peers, but where were Trayvon Martin’s peers?  You had five white women and one “black or hispanic” woman.  Is that even legal, where were the dudes?  Do the victim’s peers not matter?  That only seems fair.  That seemed more like a knitting circle than a jury.  And why only 6?  I thought juries were 12?  Oh that’s right because it’s a Florida thing.  One of six states that believe that less is more.  Who needs 12 when 6 will do?

I’d almost prefer a bench trial, that way you get one educated opinion.  I know, I know you have bad crooked prejudice judges as well but at least they know the law… and they won’t be preoccupied with hitting pay dirt when the high profile trial is over by getting a book deal.  Just sayin’…

Just for kicks, a few examples of concepts just as effective as a “Jury of Peers”…

1.  A Jury of Deers.  They know just about as much…

2.  A Jury of Queers.  This is the term kids are using now when they don’t want to identify either gay or straight… see they aren’t sure either.

3.  A Jury of Mirrors.  You gotta’ look at yourself in the mirror and face the truth.

4.  A Jury of Steers.  Same as deer but have that whole speedy trial thing down.

5.  A Jury of Beers.  Same chance at level of intelligence as Betty.

6.  A Jury of Fears.  I think that was the jury that tried Ethel and Julius Rosenberg. (look it up)

7.  A Jury of Sears.  Well, it is where America shops.

Don’t forget to tip your wait staff…

Top 20 Reasons to Have a Cocktail

11 Jul

Quick FYI

FREE Kindle version of my book “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!” available on Amazon.com thru Friday 7/12!   CLICK HERE

Top 20 Reasons to Drink

“Have a cocktail because…”

1.  You’re not an alcoholic.

2.  Heroin just gives you a headache.

3.  Work is over for the day… or close enough.

4.  The kids are finally in bed…or close enough.

5.  The dish ran away with the spoon.

6.  To forget the guy that doesn’t want to be with you.

7.  The guy that does want to be with you looks better after a few

8.  How else will you tolerate your child’s band concert?

9.  It’s Thursday.

10.  Housework gets done quicker.  You don’t seem to notice the stains your missing when you’re drunk.

11.  It’s an excuse not to have to take your kids anywhere, “No I’m not driving you to T-ball, Mommy’s drunk.”

12.  You’ll feel less self-conscious about not wearing pants in public.

13.  It’s easier to make that $50 making a YouPorn video.

14.  It will make recording a video of your drunken ramblings for YouTube seem like a HILARIOUS idea.

15.  It will help your one night stand productivity go through the roof!

16.  I like spatulas.

17.  It will make your Kenny Rogers karaoke singing so much more entertaining.

18.  I’ve seen you drive, you probably do drive better drunk.

19.  You’ll be able to release your pent-up inner asshole.

20.  Maybe I’ll seem funnier.

(This is for laughs, I don’t condone inappropriate or dangerous use of alcohol… unless it involves sparkly unicorns)

Opinions are Like Bananas, They Go Bad After a While

9 Jul

Quick FYI FREE Kindle version of my book “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!” available on Amazon.com on Wednesday 7/10 thru Thursday 7/11!   CLICK HERE

 

You know that old saying, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one”?  My new version is “Opinions are like bananas, they go bad after a while”

bananas in pjs

 

(BTdubs, I really hated this show when my kids were little)

I’ve been dealing with that a lot lately.  As I have to make some decisions about my career, finances, living situation, kid’s college futures, etc… everyone has something different to say.  And most often it’s the complete opposite of what the last person said.

Oh don’t get me wrong, advice is good.  Bouncing things off people is good.  We all need to weigh things out.  But as you’re weighing and it starts to feel like one of those people from a TLC documentary like “The 900 lb Man” sitting on your chest… wait maybe the 900 lb man riding Mothra… well then it’s time to stop bouncing things off others.

One of the most intelligent things my ex-husband ever said as I was obsessed with the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” books when I was pregnant was, “Throw the damn book away”.  Yea, he was right.  I was more worked up than a bag of cats tossed down a hill.

When you begin to doubt your own compass is when you need to take a step back.  For instance, I have my second child starting to look at colleges.  Now my son is going to one of the most expensive colleges in the Universe, NYU.  I’m trying to be realistic with my daughter.  He got scholarships but will still have a few big loans and the travel expense back and forth adds up.  My daughter can certainly apply to her dream schools but we need to weigh things out before accepting.  If I can’t afford to bring you home for Thanksgiving, we have a problem.   I have some people insisting I send my next two children to state schools or community college for two years then 4 year state school.  Uhhhh… no.  Nothing against them but state schools really aren’t any cheaper in my circumstance because they don’t give as much aid as private schools do.   I just know my kids, comunity college isn’t for them.   I started out at one school and was fucking miserable, then I transferred.  Some kids, it doesn’t really matter, others it does.

Jesus Christ stop telling me what to do!!!!   Aaaaarrgghhhh!!!!  I’ve raised these kids for 19 years pretty much on my own and gotten this far, do you think I’m freakin’ stupid?  The thing is, I’m a risk taker.  I’m not like the people who say “What if?”  “What if?”  ‘What if?”   I’m a “Let’s try it and if we need to change our course, we will”  kind of gal.  Maybe that wasn’t always the best thing, but at least I didn’t do it with anything crazy like, “Let’s try heroin and just see what happens”  or “Let’s just try unprotected sex with this guy who injects meth and see what happens”. (I don’t know, is injecting meth even a thing?)

If you are obsessed with making a move only if you can predict the outcome, then you can become paralyzed.  Conversely if you leap without thinking, you can find yourself in a heapload of shit.  I say weigh thing out, then take an educated leap of faith.  And there’s a lot to be said for gut instinct.  (Unless of course you’re a rapist or murderer)   I ain’t afraid.  But once I’ve made up my mind… leave me the fuck alone.  The outcome will eventually be apparent to me, I don’t need your predictive “Mark my words…”  bullshit, because shit ain’t happened yet!

A Slice of Cheesy Summer Nostalgia from the 80’s

2 Jul

It’s the day before the day before a holiday.  So either people have taken tomorrow off or will get out early tomorrow or have a half day tomorrow or will work a full day anyway because they work retail or have a douchebag boss.  Anyway, odds are no one is reading blogs this week.   Meh.

Oh first, Happy 50th Birthday to my phenomenal big sister Jane!  It still feels like we’re still just 10 and 12 but here we are, going strong.

So moving right along… In honor of summer, the upcoming holiday here and impending summer vacations everywhere… I have one of the cheesiest, embarrassingly nostalgic and kind of entertaining video clips I have seen in a while.  Now, I used to like this song in college.  It was 1986,  I was a DJ on my college radio station and this record was a European import.  Rap was still trying to be accepted by the mainstream in the U.S.  I think Run DMC’s “Walk This Way” with Aerosmith had just come out and finally making headway for rap.  So these 2 Dutch rappers M.C. Miker G and DJ Sven make a little record rapping over Madonna’ s “Holiday” using the chorus from Cliff Richard’s 1963 hit “Summer Holiday”.  Total kitsch, and a total guilty pleasure.  Enjoy.

To my American friends, have a Happy and Safe Independence Day!  I hope my Canadian friends had a great Canaday Day.  And the rest of you, well enjoy whatever you do.  🙂

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