Madge’s Useful Gift Guide for Wayward Grads

13 Jun



It’s that time of year again… graduation time!  And as I am always striving to be oh-so-helpful, I have compiled a list of nifty gift ideas for the recent grad.  The ceremony has probably already happened but there are still a shitload of grad parties to attend and you don’t want to go empty handed!

For the high school grad:

1.  A box of condoms for college.

Let’s be honest, better safe than sorry.



2.  A voice-activated “Tattoo Alarm”.

This device is programmed so that when ever a freshly minted 18 year old drunkenly slurs the words “I’m gonna’ go get a tattoo”, an alarm sounds, hopefully jolting the youngster out of their stupor, an On-Star call center sends a tattoo interventionist to their location and his/her parents are automatically called.



3.  A lighter.

There is no better way to meet guys or girls in college (or other youngster social settings) than to have one handy when someone is look for a light for their… whatever.



4.  Earplugs.

No better way to drown out loud drunken assholes on your dorm floor at 2:00am when you are trying to sleep… or to drown out the sounds of your roommate having sex.

Trying to Sleep 2


5.  A combination lock safe.

Because you will need a safe place to put your valuables like your booze and food that your roommate will surely pilfer.  Oh and I guess for like your electronics and stuff too.




For the college grad:

1.  An “I Stayed Out All Night and Need to Go to Work in 15 Minutes” Survival Kit.

It contains:  Deod0rant, mouthwash, washcloth, aspirin, Gatorade, comb, Pepto Bismol, clean undies, clean shirt.



2.  A membership to an texting alert system that lets you know when your bank account has dipped under $20.

Because nobody ever remembers the trips to the ATM at 2:00am to buy more beer or food from the street meat truck.



3.  Cleaning supplies.

Because chances are they never cleaned up after themselves in college, and now in your 20’s no one wants to hook up with someone with a bathroom that’s growing a beard.

gross bathroom


4.  A business etiquette book.

When you’re in the real working world, you’re boss or client won’t tolerate being called “Dude” or “Douchecopter”.



5.  Business clothing that fits properly.

Sure they were fine for going to class but pajama bottoms drooping or folded down to reveal your asscrack are not suitable for the office or business meetings.

pajamas and uggs


Hope this helps.  And remember when all else fails, give cash.  Cash that will be blown on beer, video games or Taco Bell.  Good luck and Godspeed


12 Responses to “Madge’s Useful Gift Guide for Wayward Grads”

  1. funnyphilosopher June 13, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

    For the graduate looking for work: a phone with the Suicide Hotline on speed dial.

  2. Fearless Leader June 13, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

    I see a business opportunity here. 🙂

  3. mkslagel June 13, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Brilliant! I love this post. I could have really used all of those things and more. Who wants a shower hanger when they can get a box of condoms. And the lighter? Complete truth. I will honestly have to keep these in mind as a joke gift for my sister when she graduates next year.

    • Madge Madigan June 13, 2013 at 5:52 pm #

      I’m tellin’ ya’ having had a son just finish his Freshman year of college and having been through it myself… lol

  4. graceyb June 13, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

    Love it!!! Great post.

  5. Jess Witkins June 13, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

    My parents gave me luggage. What does that say? Luggage that my father coincidentally borrowed right away and ripped the handle off. So glad I made honor roll for you, Pops. *shakes head*

    • Madge Madigan June 13, 2013 at 5:54 pm #

      hahahahaha I’m sorry to laugh but that is classic. I remember when luggage was a go to gift. What the hell for, we put everything in garbage bags, anyway?

  6. Susan Cooper/ June 14, 2013 at 5:17 pm #

    I laughed out loud. These are great suggestions… hee, hee. I love the tattoo alarm. To bad I didn’t have one for myself… LOL. The lighter idea is brilliant… who wouldn’t find a “good” use for that… Bigger laugh.

  7. Valentine Logar June 15, 2013 at 9:37 am #

    All perfect. I see a combination of the Trojans and the I stayed out all night, perfect for those closest to you.

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