Archive | June, 2013

“Because it’s Mine” is for Douchebags

27 Jun

I was trying to get my girls to a day camp that they are working at as “counselors” this morning. (more like “cat herders”) and I was so put off by something it triggered a blog in me.

So, I’m coming down a side street trying to turn right onto a main artery in the city… it’s at a dead stop for about 2 blocks.  What’s the hold up?  At this point the street goes down to one lane each way (is that called 2 lanes, then? I never get that right) and down the street a bit to the right is a Dunkin’ Donuts.  With a drive-thru.  There is a huge line for the drive-thru which goes all the way out to the entrance.  Now some dickhead is sitting in the street waiting to turn right into the DD to get in the drive-thru line.  Now, said dickhead could have very easily pulled around the line and gone into a parking space and walked in and gotten his/her Mocochocolatte (ya ya) and Big ‘n Toasty breakfast sandwich with extra cholesterol at the counter in less time it would have taken to wait in the drive-thru line.

But nooooooooo.  Dickhead decides it’s better to keep rush hour traffic at a stand still on this fine summer morning.  There are other people on the street that need to get to work or get their Mocochocolatte somewhere else, asshole!  Surely this person has a rear view mirror?  Oh I might also add, there is another moron coming the other way in the left-hand turning lane waiting for an opportunity to get in the drive-thru line.  That person is even dumber because traffic is at a stand still, plenty of opportunity to turn left… into a parking space.  God forbid you have to get our of your Prius and walk two steps because after all look what good you are doing for the world with your environmentally conscious Prius, everyone should pay homage to you!  Douchus Maximus.

Then as I’m driving home, I’m pulling through an intersection approaching a busy city street with cars parked on both sides and coming towards me in my lane is a runner.  Running out in the street, between the parked cars and oncoming traffic.   In the left lane, the traffic coming toward me lane, is a city bus approaching.  If I proceed, I either hit the guy or hit the bus, it’s pretty tight.  What does runner, uh I mean jogger do?  Yea, he was so slow as to be called a jogger.  Almost a trudger to be exact.  He doesn’t move, stays in street.  I get the whole thing about the street being softer than the sidewalk thing for runners… ok not really, I never notice a difference and I think it’s stupid.  But don’t you think you could at least momentarily hop on the sidewalk to avoid an accident/congestion/international incident?  I’ve seen runners get so mad about their God-given right to run in the street that they have flipped off or banged on cars that get too close as they are avoiding a collision from the other side.   When they stop running they probably get in their Prius and go to the drive-thru lane at the Dunkin’ Donuts.

(I come from a huge family of runners, don’t get me wrong, I love runners, just not dickbag ones)

Here’s my beef… don’t people think about the greater good anymore?  It’s not, it’s just what’s good for me, it’s how you effects others.  One thing that absolutely drives me insane is when I’m having a debate with someone and their uber intellectual answer why they think their way is the best way is, “Because they’re mine!”  Example:

Why don’t you think there should be certain parameters for gun ownership?  “Because they’re MINE!”  “The 2nd Amendment, blah blah blah and they’re MINE!”

Why don’t you feel you should have to clean all the old appliances off your lawn so the neighborhood doesn’t seem seedy?  “Because it’s MINE!”

We’re all roommates, why can’t you just move your toiletries to make room?  “Because they’re MINE!”

Why don’t you want those immigrants coming into our country?  “Because this country is MINE/OURS!”

Why don’t you want someone to pat your clothes in the airport just to make sure you’re not a terrorist?  “Because they’re MINE!”

You get the picture.  Don’t you know what an asshole you sound like?  Do you know who else proclaims things are MINE all the time?  Two year olds.  That’s who.  One of the first words my son said as a 14 month old was “MINE!”


(This  is not my child)

Just because you can physically do something, legally have a right to do something, or want to do something, means you should.  Has society become this self-absorbed?   Or am I the only one that thinks being obstinate and “standing up for your rights” is pigheaded, self-centered, ignorant douchebaggery?  Yes, we have certain rights but sometimes it’s not all about us.   Perhaps we all should try to remember something my Mother said many times while raising kids… “The world doesn’t revolve around you, ya’ know.”  Amen, Madelyn.  Amen.

Oh in case you are interested, here is the video of my TV interview the other day.  Click Here


Knock Knock, Who’s There? A Jackass.

25 Jun

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Seriously, did the defense attorney for George Zimmerman start out his opening arguments with a knock knock joke?  I can tell you right now they are going to find that guy guilty if that’s the caliber of his lawyer.  That’s what happens when you get your attorney from “Lawyer’s Bargain Outlet”.

Here’s a thing that sucks, though,  you can buy your verdict.  If you have enough money, you can get a top notch lawyer that will just bedazzle the jury with bullshit and nitpick the shit out of the law until they find a loophole.  I don’t know how defense attorneys can live with themselves.  Not having ever been arrested for anything or knowing anyone who has ever been accused of a breaking the law other than a traffic ticket or urinating in public… I don’t know what really happens in court.  Why is it a rare occurrence that someone will just say, “Yea, I did it”?  I guess that’s part of being a criminal, huh?  You tend to lie?

How come courts aren’t like parents and say, “Ok, if you just told us you did it and say you are sorry we won’t give you the most severe penalty allowed by law”?  Is that not a thing?  No, everybody has to say ‘No, not me I didn’t do it!” and then the public has to pay for a costly trial.  Like even in cases where somebody is caught red-handed on video surveillance doing something and they plead not guilty. What the fuck?!  Can someone please hep me with this, because I’m dumbfounded?

Well that’s about all I have time for today, I have to run for an appearance on the local NBC affiliate Noon News, talking about my book.  Here is a brief rundown of events this week, feel free to join in…

Today Tuesday June 25th, I will be interviewed on NBC10 News at Noon, live. (Holy crap, maybe I’ll have a nip slip)

Here is the video of the interview:

Wednesday June 26th, Book signing at Beau Monde Salon, 7181 Rte. 96, Victor, NY 6:00pm-9:00pm

Thursday June 27th, Book signing at Lux Lounge, 666 South Ave., Rochester, NY 6:00pm-8:00pm

Things are going great with the book, getting some great reviews.  More reviews are always welcome!  You can see the reviews at and where the book is available for purchase. (also at and other online stores)

Two of my favorite reviews:

“Very good book that had me laughing at many of life’s little absurdities’. Madge tackles life’s ups and downs with a sense of humor, an irreverent attitude and common sense. I loved this book and would recommend it to anyone needing a good laugh and feeling of “hey if she can get through it all so can I”. Will definitely keep an eye out for any future books b y this author.”

“Madge is… Erma Bombeck with a cocktail and a rack. 🙂 She’s also, by turns, heartwarming, and wonderfully sarcastic. Shine on!”

Thanks guys, don’t forget to share my crap on Twitter and Facebook!  Appreciate it!

Laughable INTERVIEW with Madge Madigan Author of “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!”

20 Jun

Today I am interviewing author Madge Madigan on the release of her new book, “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!”  Making the best of the crap life gives you.

Oh, you recognize the name?  Same as the author of this blog?  Well, taking a chapter out of my own book and making the best of things… when nobody else wants to interview you, interview yourself.

From the back cover”

“A humorous collection of anecdotal essays on dealing with common adult life struggles that fall just short of FEMA intervention but are bigger than a duct tape and coat hanger fix. This stuff wasn’t supposed to happen to Madge, she’s college educated and comes from a good white collar Irish Catholic family. But she made it through an abusive marriage, co-parenting with her alcoholic ex who subsequently vanished, joblessness, homelessness, food stamps, dating, and raising three kids single handedly. Somehow she maintained her dignity and fabulousness and produced three very smart, well adjusted, successful children. These are life lesson stories filled with humor, common sense and snark.

“This book is very nice dear but I still think you should become a dental hygienist. They make good money you know. People always need their teeth cleaned.” – Madelyn Madigan, Madge’s Mother

“Funny and cleavage, a winning combination!” – A creepy guy that reads my blog”

Want to know all about the hardscrabble world of self-publishing?  Madge is in the thick of it and still figuring it out, so she can’t tell ya’.  She started out writing marketing copy in 1991, started blogging in 2005 which then lead to feature articles and comedy writing for nothing you’ve ever heard of.  There had to be more, she thought.  She would love to tell you a great inspirational story of how she always wanted to write a book but that’s not really how it went.

“Honestly, I didn’t start to love to write until my 30’s.  I realized I enjoyed writing catchy headlines or quips for marketing materials.  Then later I realized I loved to write my blogs.  I actually hated writing in my teens, college, etc.  I  didn’t care much for reading until later in life.  I know, I know it shatters that whole life long love of something myth.  But it also brings to light that you can love something after you understand it.”

What the hell is she talking about?

“I’m talking about why I didn’t love reading and writing.  Oh I loved reading magazine articles.  I had stacks and stacks of the Village Voice and Interview magazine under my bed in college.  I was later diagnosed with ADHD, that explained it.  I didn’t have the attention span for reading books.  Now on meds, I love books.

And the writing, I never knew how.  I don’t remember ever being taught how to write in school.  I think I barely got a C in English Composition 101 in college.  I distinctly remember getting an F on my very first assignment.  I guess my ADHD was apparent to my professor, as my thoughts were all over the damn place.  It wasn’t until I took news report writing and business writing that it made sense.  That taught me how to organize and write logically. That gave me the confidence later to write creative/humor stuff.”

Ah, I see it’s the old “Don’t believe the stories you tell yourself” thing, right?  You talk yourself into believing you’re not good at something just because you don’t grasp it at first.

“Exactly.  I had a lot of stories I told myself that I needed to shake.  Especially once I suddenly became a single Mom and sole provider of 3 children over night, I had to dig deep and figure out what I was good at to provide for my family.  I had to take a leap of faith and try writing because so many people were urging me to do it.  Look, I know people love to hear stories of people’s love of writing, and I do LOVE it.  But also my story is one of desire, ambition, survival.  I’m still on foodstamps, I’m hard working at a job that pays nothing.  I need to find my way to the other side.  The other side of the poverty line.  I’ve tried lots of jobs to no avail, why not create my own job?”

That’s a hell of a leap there.  Do you regret it?

“No.  It’s not easy so I feel good that I’ve worked this hard at something.  Whether it’s a big success or not remains to be seen.  But I’ve worked my ass off to write, publish, and promote this book and it’s given me a taste of entrepreneurship.  I like it, I’m going to keep going.  If nothing else maybe this book will show others, especially women with children that you can re-create yourself later in adulthood.  It’s never too late to give yourself a kick in the ass… and don’t ever give up”

Book available at and

You Are What You Social Media

18 Jun

If you are what you eat, then do we assume – you are what you social media?  Everyone has their social media preferences.  What does it say about you where you hang out?  Is there any validity to that?

I like Facebook for connecting with past, present, and future friends.  It’s like a little catch-up session every time I log on. However, Facebook seems to be where a lot of social media newbies hang.  I am here –

Pinterest, I haven’t really gotten into, but am starting to look at it a little more frequently because it seems like I should. *confused look*  I always thought Pinterest was for Moms who scrapbook and like recipes… silly me some of my most creative friends use it for inspirational imagery that they like.  I think this is how you find me there –

Tumblr is… well another thing that I can’t quite get the hang of.  My kids love it and they do the work for me, they find funny things and show me.  So I stay hip that way.  I have a Tumblr page but it is just basically a copy of my blog.  It seems Tumblr is for the younger set for all the cool memes and gifs.  My Tumblr –

Instagram is fun, when I remember to post a pic or look at pics.  I’m a live in the moment kind of gal, it doesn’t always dawn on me to document something with pics.  Again, seems to be for young kids taking selfies or Moms showing kids being cute.  I am @madgemadigan on Instagram.

Vines is my new fun toy… again when I remember to do one or look at it.  My kids are constantly on the Best Vines Twitter account and will always show me something funny.  Black guy running shirtless through white neighborhood is by far the funniest thing I’ve seen.  Vines seems to be the young trendy place. I guess I’m @madgemadigan there too.

Reddit hates me.  I’ve tried to post and it always gives me some error.  It just really hates me.  I don’t even think I have an account anymore.  There seems to be a lot of socially awkward people that spend way too much time on the internet on Reddit.

I absolutely love LinkedIn for business.   If you don’t have a LI profile, you need one stat!  It’s the place to network or look for a job.  Me –

Myspace?  Dead and gone… but trying to be resurrected for musicians.  I  think maybe other artists.  Maybe I should make a profile for my book there.  “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!”  Does anyone care?

Does anyone even use Google+?  I’m really curious on that one.  I guess I’m just under my name there.

What else am I missing?  Please tell me what other social media is trending…

But I must say at the moment my personal favorite is Twitter.  My head is filled with endless one liners which Twitter is perfect for.  It’s an outlet for useless crap in my head.  Twitter is varied, it has people that pimp the crap out of stuff (me), companies attempting customer relations, young kids talkin’ smack, folks who just like to be funny (me), and a ghetto/trailer trash dating service.  Find me on Twitter for the funny and promotion – @MadgeMadigan

Here are some of the most “favorited” or re-Tweeted” things I’ve Tweeted…

1.  In response to “so tell me about yourself?” I always want to say “fuck you, ask me a real question”

2.   Tops on my bucket list… become a gay icon.

3.  I’m getting closer to the age where when someone asks “Are those implants?”, they’re talking about my teeth not my boobs.

4.  I just don’t have the energy it takes to be a blog whore. Regular whore yes, blog whore no.

5.  Either this place has a seafood special tonight or someone needs some serious Summer’s Eve action…

6.  Oh look it’s booze o’clock!

7.  That’s what she said! No really, that’s what she said… I have the email right here.

8.  I’m just going to back out of the interwebz slowly & quietly right now, no sudden moves. I’ll be back after the nurse brings the meds around

9.For the Love of God Today Show, please stop showing shots of the crowd & stay on the damn performers! I don’t care about an old broad waving

10. I’ve been known to cut a bitch…unfortunately it was while I was clipping my dog’s nails, claws, whatever the fuck they are. Sorry Mitzie!

11. The first step is admitting you have a problem… I’m Madge and I’m a twat.

12. Hooray the humidity is here! My thighs are schvitzing

Feel free to follow me anywhere listed above.

I want to follow you!  Tell me where to find you on various social media!  Writte your usernames in the comments below!

Madge’s Useful Gift Guide for Wayward Grads

13 Jun



It’s that time of year again… graduation time!  And as I am always striving to be oh-so-helpful, I have compiled a list of nifty gift ideas for the recent grad.  The ceremony has probably already happened but there are still a shitload of grad parties to attend and you don’t want to go empty handed!

For the high school grad:

1.  A box of condoms for college.

Let’s be honest, better safe than sorry.



2.  A voice-activated “Tattoo Alarm”.

This device is programmed so that when ever a freshly minted 18 year old drunkenly slurs the words “I’m gonna’ go get a tattoo”, an alarm sounds, hopefully jolting the youngster out of their stupor, an On-Star call center sends a tattoo interventionist to their location and his/her parents are automatically called.



3.  A lighter.

There is no better way to meet guys or girls in college (or other youngster social settings) than to have one handy when someone is look for a light for their… whatever.



4.  Earplugs.

No better way to drown out loud drunken assholes on your dorm floor at 2:00am when you are trying to sleep… or to drown out the sounds of your roommate having sex.

Trying to Sleep 2


5.  A combination lock safe.

Because you will need a safe place to put your valuables like your booze and food that your roommate will surely pilfer.  Oh and I guess for like your electronics and stuff too.




For the college grad:

1.  An “I Stayed Out All Night and Need to Go to Work in 15 Minutes” Survival Kit.

It contains:  Deod0rant, mouthwash, washcloth, aspirin, Gatorade, comb, Pepto Bismol, clean undies, clean shirt.



2.  A membership to an texting alert system that lets you know when your bank account has dipped under $20.

Because nobody ever remembers the trips to the ATM at 2:00am to buy more beer or food from the street meat truck.



3.  Cleaning supplies.

Because chances are they never cleaned up after themselves in college, and now in your 20’s no one wants to hook up with someone with a bathroom that’s growing a beard.

gross bathroom


4.  A business etiquette book.

When you’re in the real working world, you’re boss or client won’t tolerate being called “Dude” or “Douchecopter”.



5.  Business clothing that fits properly.

Sure they were fine for going to class but pajama bottoms drooping or folded down to reveal your asscrack are not suitable for the office or business meetings.

pajamas and uggs


Hope this helps.  And remember when all else fails, give cash.  Cash that will be blown on beer, video games or Taco Bell.  Good luck and Godspeed

It’s My Countdown to Protective Undergarments Birthdays!

11 Jun

Jesus Mary and Joseph, why am I up at 3:00am writing?  Oh, I was asleep at one point.  Asleep on the couch.  Needing my own space.  Desperately seeking some peace and solitude and sense of… I don’t know, being able to have a small space of “control” in my life.

But now I’m awake.  Needing… something.  Ya’ see, on top of a million issues I have right now, it’s my birthday today.  Yup, as of 2:06pm June 11th I will be 48 years old.  Oh Christ that just gave me the heebers as I wrote that.  Yea yea, age is just a number.  And numbers have never bothered me before until this one.  Maybe it’s because of the crossroads I’m at, my living situation, my health, my broke-assness… but probably mostly because of my Dad dying this past October.  Sure he was a ripe old age, just over 2 months shy of his 90th birthday.  But it also makes the mortality sink in.  My Mom is going to be 87 in a couple months and was always Super Woman but now is becoming… human.  My Mother hiked the Grand Canyon at the age of 69, for God’s sake!  And now she gets winded after scrubbing the tub.  Well at least she can still scrub the tub, right?  And hell hath no fury if you offer to scrub the tub for her.  Now I know where I get it from.

Have you noticed I love the ellipsis?  I love it… a lot.

All right all right, this post isn’t going to be all melancholia and gloom and doom and whining.  Yes, I know it’s what I do best but gosh darn it,”people like me”.  (Sorry, just channeled my inner Stuart Smalley.)

Wait, what was I saying?  Oh hey did you know that forgetfulness is common in pre-menopausal and menopausal women?  Weeeee!  So, I got that goin’ for me!  (pre folks, PRE here)  I don’t even need to drink anymore, I’ve got so many God damn altered states going on in my own self.  One minute I’m happy, next minute I want to rip someone’s head off and use it as a bocce ball.   One minute I’m sad, next minute I can’t remember why I was sad or why I came in this room.  Then I turn flush and start to sweat.  I stand in front of the open freezer door to bring back the mellow, dude.  And then I… take a nap.  The end.

Oh dear God, I’ve become my Mother.  Sweet Baby Jesus in swaddling clothes!  But I guess it happens to the best of us.  Well not you guys.  No, scratch that, I have seen some of you men become your Mothers.  Mostly your Fathers, but a few Mommies.  I want to channel the June Cleaver side of my Mom and not the Joan Crawford side of my Mom.  No, my Mom wasn’t abusive but you know all of our Moms got frustrated and angry sometimes and started yelling things like, “I just can’t have anything nice, can I?”

So, why have I become my Mother?  I don’t remember. (there’s that nasty symptom again) Oh right, because I’m the youngest of 6 kids and  my Mom was 39 when she had me.  So I pretty much had a front row seat to her “change”.  She always made jokes about it.  But I was also witness to the heartbreaking mood swings some times.  Shit happens, right?  Just another thing we broads have to go through that the sweet merciful Lord spares his precious men from.  Nah, I’m not bitter.

But here’s something interesting, just last week I learned a hidden fact about my Mom.  It’s funny how you learn things about your parents as you get older that you had no idea about when you were younger.  My Mother had 7 babies, this I already knew.  A couple kids ahead of me, I had a brother Patrick that didn’t make it past child birth.  And also by the time I came along, the pregnancies weren’t so easy anymore.  What she told me was that shortly after I was born in 1965 her doctor prescribed her birth control pills because as he said, “or else you’d be poppin’ out a kid every year until your 50”.  Guess he knows us Irish Catholics.  The pill was a new thing back then and was verboten in the Catholic church.

My Mother had always been a devout Catholic.  My Dad used to tell embarrassing jokes about them practicing the rhythm method. *cringe*  lalalalalalala, I can’t hear you!  But at one point of my Mother’s life she decided to take control.  Control of her life, her family, her body, her health, her sanity.

Now I have “Control” by Janet Jackson stuck in my head.  At least it has a beat and you can dance to it.  Wait, now I have her song “Rhythm Nation” stuck in my head but have changed the words to “Rhythm Method”.  Oy, thanks Dad.

Control.  I’ve felt a severe lacking of such in my adult life.  Especially with kids, ya’ know?  When you have kids, a lot of your control goes right down the shitter.   Oh isn’t that what I’m doing on the couch right now?  Control?

Why can’t I get control?  Why haven’t I been able to gain control all along?  I feel like stability has been a greased pig I have been chasing for about 25 years now.

Oh sure, I “took control” and wrote a book.  But I can’t control if anyone buys it and brings me that stability.  I mean I can sure as hell try.

Buy my book today, click here!  🙂

Eh maybe control is overrated.  Soon I will be losing control of everything anyway and need to wear some Depends, so what does it matter?

I guess the only serious birthday question left to ask is… is it too early for a martini?  Pull up a cocktail and let’s have a good old fashioned birthday party in the comments below.  Hurry, before I’m eventually slumped over in the chair in the corner…

Fame! I Wanna’ Live Forever… Not So Much

6 Jun

I had someone say something to me that made me think yesterday.

I walked into the bar at the country club and said hello to a bunch of my lady friends and one woman who is more of just an acquaintance that I haven’t seen in a while says, “Hey, I hear you’re famous!”  I laughed and said, “Famous?  I don’t know about that but I wrote a book”  And she said, “Well that’s famous!”  I said, “Oh thank you.”  I didn’t want to be a dick but I thought in my head that yes this book is selling really hot but I’d have to sell a few more thousand books in order to be called famous.

Which made me think… Do I want to be famous?  I mean, I don’t know.  It’s been said people do things for one of three reasons – money, power, fame.  Now, I can tell you without hesitation that I write for the money.  Dollah dollah bills, y’all.  But like not because I think I have the next great American novel.  I would definitely love to be wealthy.  Without a doubt, I could do rich.  I’ve had enough of being poor.  But not obnoxiously rich.  I don’t need Versace china or a house with a bowling alley or disco or anything.  I just want to be able to pay my bills and to afford the few luxuries I’d like, like travelling and a car that runs.  I’ve never been a jewelry, clothing, or handbag whore.  Eh, ok maybe shoes.  I love shoes.  I dream of being able to own a pair of Manolo Blahniks.  But I would still probably be hesitant if they were like over $100.

Power?  I don’t get that one.  I have no desire whatsoever.  Maybe if you call wanting to control my own career power, then yea.  But as far as wanting to be President of the US or CEO of a company, no.  Well I’d be CEO for the money not the power.  And I always see movies or something with women attracted to men with power.  That means absolutely nothing to me.  Unless you have the “power” to get us a good table at one of the best restaurants, I might be interested.  I think I’m attracted to the opposite, men that don’t use a position of money or authority to have “power” over others.  I like men that are kind and loving.  I don’t like showy douchebags puffin’ out there chest everywhere they go.

Famous?  I mean I’d like to be popular so you buy lots of my books.  I don’t think I’d like to be so famous that I couldn’t go to the store without a disguise.  But it would be nice to have people recognize me and say they love my work in the future.  I’ve had a couple of instances lately where people I’ve met were like, “Oh yea I heard you on the radio” or “I read a review in the paper”.  That’s nice.  I’m still filled with so much self-doubt it will probably take to the end of time until I can truly accept recognition like that.  Those people both said I was really funny but probably when someone comes up to me and says, “You’re book sucks”, I’ll say “You’re damn right it does!”.   Nah, I’m not that bad but I am always striving to be better.  I always think there’s room for improvement.

So famous… I’m not even sure what that word means.  Infamous, yes.  I think I’ve been that before.  At least according to my ex-husband.  Fame.  Hmmmm.  Let’s go look…

The condition of being known or talked about by many people, esp. on account of notable achievements.

Oh ok.  I could deal with that.  I guess I confuse fame with celebrity.  I thought they were sort of the same.  According to dictionary celebrity means…

  1. A famous person.
  2. The state of being well known: “his prestige and celebrity grew”.

So, I guess they are.  Well, I don’t know whatever.  I would like to be well known but I was raised that fame was sort of a narcissistic thing, I guess that’s all in the interpretation.  I’m over-thinking this aren’t I?  Ok well I’m off to have my assistant give me a gold leaf manicure… ta ta.



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Good girl goes rogue


Illegal in 38 states--frowned upon in the rest.

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