Archive | April, 2013

Madge’s Foreign Exchange Blogger Program

30 Apr

Can you believe it?!  I have the proof of my book!  Had to resubmit for a couple changes I wanted to make and it should be ready for sale on Amazon.com in maybe a week!  Yay!  I will keep you all abreast (‘cuz you know I like to show my cleavage) of the situation.

All right, next on the agenda.  I would like to start my own “Madge’s Foreign Exchange Blogger Program”.   Ok “foreign” is relative, you could be from across the street.  But I’d like to have a guest blogger once a week or so.  And as well, ya’ know you could give me a little somethin’ somethin’ and have me as a guest blogger.

So, if you could kindly write a couple 2-3 sentences in the comments below on why I should pick you to be my first guest blogger, I shall pick the most intriguing entry and let you know in the next day or two.  Must act quickly, time limited offer!  Batteries not included.

Ok, next on the agenda it’s another tribute to a Kickstarter backer!  This time we have one Miss Beth Brockett.

Lord I love this girl.  Beth is one of my sorority sisters from Phi Mu at the University of Maine.  In fact Beth is one of the reasons I pledged Phi Mu.  I remember meeting Beth through my friend Janine who I worked at summer camp with.  Janine lived in an apartment with, Jesus Christ I don’t remember like 4,5,6 other girls. lol  Their apartment was like a clown car.  Sometimes I don’t even know who lived there.  They were all seniors and I was a sophomore.

Seriously I’m trying to remember who actually lived there.  Beth who was from Massachusetts (but not your typical Masshole), Janine was from, oh crap now I don’t remember either Mass. or Rhode Island, Laurie from oy either Mass. or CT., and then I remember also Laurie’s illegal immigrant boyfriend from Ireland.  His visa had expired or some such horrible criminal act.  Um, I think maybe Ginny from Maine or Kim from Maine?  I can’t believe the memory is fading, that was 29 years ago now.

Anyway… Beth.  Beth was your quintessential preppy party girl.  An L.L. Bean Norwegian sweater, turtle neck, duck shoes and a beer in hand.  Beth was wicked cool.  Finally I found people like me, preppy by day but digging cool new wave music by night.  I rather enjoyed going over and listening to them crank Band Aid’s “Do They Know it’s Christmas” and screaming along.  But then we could also get down and get funky to Morris Day and the Time’s “Jungle Love” or some Tom Tom Club.

Beth was friends with everyone.  I really admired her.  Just a happy gal.  Guys from the ultra cool fraternity invited her out for drinks and guys from the nerd fraternity invited her for drinks (I don’t think she went though heh).  I wanted to be just like Beth but I somehow couldn’t figure out how to party like a rockstar sorority girl and get good grades like her.

After school we lost touch a little bit but now she is one of my absolute favorites to trade one liners with on Facebook.  I always enjoy her posts of her travels, outings with friends, and her fabulous doggie.  I want to thank Beth a ton for her friendship, sisterhood and support.  LIOB girl!  (secret sorority stuff heh heh)

Please share this on Facebook and Twitter and all that happy horseshit so that I get more contestants for the “Madge’s Foreign Exchange Blogger Program” !   Save “Radio Free Madge”… ok anyone who gets that reference is a winner… or a really nerd.

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A Tribute to My Dirty Martini Man

25 Apr

Most of you know I was doing this Kickstarter project thing and made my goal, yay!  Thank you so much to all who helped.  Check out kickstarter.com for other great projects to fund.

Anyway, I was giving out rewards for certain levels of donating.  I know I’m just like Public Broadcasting but without the tote bags!  One of my “rewards” at certain levels was to have a blog written about the person.  I have about 9 of these to write, bare with me.  But trust me, they are all incredibly lovely, wonderful, amusing people.

The first person I’m going to blog about is my very dear friend Jeff Hansen.  Or as we like to call each other BFF.  Jeff has been a wonderful supporter and dear friend to me for several years now.  Jesus, it’s been that long?  He is proof that long lasting friendships can be made on the internet.

My first interaction with Jeff was when I had a blog on Myspace.  It was probably about 2006.  He would leave comments that were sometimes pretty bitter and instead of fighting with him I tried to soften him up.  Knowing the story now, I know why he was so bitter, he was going through a nasty separation.  Hey, it happens to the best of us.

I don’t remember the timing, I moved back to Rochester in November of 2006.  I eventually find out he’s in Rochester.  At some point, I don’t remember if it was 2007 or 2008, I remember it was February though. lol  I decided to have a Rochester, NY MySpace blogger meetup.  Mainly because there was a huge MySpace blogger meetup in New York City happening like a month later or something, it’s all a blur now.  And some of us were going to travel together down to NY so we decided it might be good to meet beforehand.  I wrote an open invitation on MS.

About six of us were there and all of a sudden in walks this other guy and he’s like “Are you Madge?” and I’m all like “What’s it to ya’?”  No, I just said yea and he told me that he was Jeff.  I’m like “THE Jeff?”.   We were all shocked because well he just acted like he was the guy that would never show up to anything.  Then he gave some grumpy sarcastic remark like “yea, I’m here whatever”.   And looking back I give him shitloads of kudos for coming blindly to a function like that because well, he’s  kind of shy.  I mean there are people who can go to places alone and try to meet new peeps and there are people that just don’t care to do that.

So anyway, thus began a beautiful sarcastic friendship.  With our other friends Pat, Theresa, and Allison we used to have regular outings.  I remember one ending up in a dive-ish bar singing karaoke which ended up with pictures being taken of me humping the leg of a cardboard cut-out of some NASCAR driver.  Oh yea then there was the group field trip to the “Barrel of Dolls” the local D-list strip club where C-section and knife wound scars abound.  Ah, those were the days.

Then as Pat and Theresa coupled off and were busy with kids, and Allison moved away, Jeff and I become a gruesome twosome.  We have less frequent dinner dates now since our kids are all teens and custody schedules have changed.  OK, both of us basically have our kids all the time.  But we still manage to have our dates which I truly look forward to and they gave birth to my love of dirty martinis.  We have our certain go to spot which is a high-end steak place where we pretend we are living the high life for a night.  Jeff is incredibly generous and thoughtful.  I can’t even begin to tell you but I don’t want to embarrass him.

Ok I will a little.  When my book cover came out last week he asked me to go celebrate.  I get there and our fabulous bartender friend James told me to come around to the end to give him a hug.  Well this was all part of the plan as when I came back to the bar where we were sitting, Jeff had them put out a lovely lemon display on a cloth covered plate, in honor of my book.  Honest to God, it was the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me in my life.  This big ole hockey playing chemist is quite the softie.  I mean like he’s sweet and loving.  I can’t tell you how much he means to me.

There are many tales to tell but I’ll leave them to mystery.  I give Jeff tons of credit for waiting out his fate as his career of 30 years may soon be obsolete.  See, Jeff is a… well they’re are always changing his job but he is a very senior chemist at Kodak in the motion picture film department.  He has made it past 912 (a little exaggerating) layoffs at Kodak since 1989.  You know Kodak’s story, you know what’s happening to film.  So yea, it’s like waiting for the buggy whip to go away.  Sorry for painting such a dismal pic, Jeff.  I’m just saying I feel for you.  So if anyone has any suggestions for Jeff?  And no suggestions similar to “Breaking Bad” ok?  Cooking meth is not an option.

So I loves me some Jeffy… and our quests for the perfect dirty martini.   I couldn’t have gotten through the past 7 years with out him, literally.

The Osmonds Were Right on That One Bad Apple Thing. Cut the Crap!

23 Apr

I usually stay away from current events because I believe it’s kind of like beating a dead horse.  But I just want to say a few quick things today.

I know this won’t really affect anyone who reads my blog because you all are intelligent beings but at the very least you can use my rationale here, the next time someone speaks ignorantly to you.

I hate gigantic stereotypical sweeping generalizations with a passion.

Stop lumping together people in every religion, ideology, race, city, school, whatever.

I fucking hate that with all my heart. (can you hate with your heart?)  And especially if you apply derogatory names to it.

Not every person who is a Democrat is a liberal.  Not every person who believes in certain things is a Democrat which definitely means not every person who thinks that certain thing is a liberal.  And because I think some people need some government help, doesn’t mean I want to let everyone live for free forever.  And besides that’s not a liberal, that’s someone who believes in a welfare state.  You sound like a dumbass.  Cut it out.  You might be a Republican, than you all believe every man for himself right?  You are all bastards with no heart who want your Jesus and your guns and you would throw jobless single moms on the street, right?  I don’t believe that and I’m a Democrat.  I’m also intelligent.

Not every person who commits a crime is a Muslim terrorist.   Not every Muslim is a jihadist.  That means they are not all out to get us and are violent.

I kind of liked this chart I saw on Facebook…

terrorist chart

I have several friends who were born into the Muslim faith and some are practicing, some are not.  None of them were ever taught to hate America or to kill all the infidels.  They don’t even feel women are inferior, go figure.

Just like you…  Are you Christian?  Do you have the same beliefs and practices of the Westboro Baptist Church?  They certainly don’t represent me.

Are you Jewish?  I bet you throw a rock at a Palestinian or Muslim every chance you get, right?  I live in a heavily Orthodox Jewish area, even within the Jewish religion some are Orthodox some are just holiday temple goers.  There are many factions.

You live in San Francisco?  I bet you are gay, right?  You are totally gay, you’re all gay there!  Or you’re all Asian, right?  There are over 800,000 people in SF… really?

Did we learn nothing from rounding up all the people of Japanese ethnicity and putting them in internment camps in the U.S. during WWII?  Or Hitler killing all the Jews?

As The Osmonds once said, “One bad apple, don’t spoil the whole bunch, girl”

Are there certain groups and factions we need to be on high alert for?  Absolutely! But don’t be a fucking idiot and call out an entire religion that has 1.6 billion followers in the world.

Look, I know people get to feeling vulnerable and to some that’s a fate worse than death.  No one will get me!  So I’m going to claim I know the answer and what’s going on and who the enemy is, you can’t fool me!  That’s why people also want their guns in their home, so they don’t feel vulnerable.  Vulnerable = weak, to those people.  Ya’ know what?  Vulnerability also breeds compassion, love, and acceptance.  I let myself feel vulnerable, I don’t feel the need to have weapons and a moat. Vulnerable = strong… you let what’s gonna’ happen happen and you’ll stand up and face it like a man when it does.   I trust others and when my numbers up, my numbers up.  I won’t live in fear or hate.

Hey, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to take away your right to live in fear and hate, you knock yourself out with that.  So don’t get all “you wanna’ take away my rights” shit with me.  I will give you your fucking rights with my knee right in your sack!  Have all the rights you want!  I don’t care.  But I have the right to choose NOT to live in fear and hate.  So go take your paranoid self and get some meds and leave me alone.

I just get so annoyed, sorry.  Think before you speak.

Sneak Peek at Book Cover Meets Motivational Madge

18 Apr

You want a sneak peek at my book cover?

So here it is…  I just get all tittery (pun intended) when I see this.  I’m like all giggly excited.  It looks like a real book now, doesn’t it?

554745_10201129922159685_1891409690_n

(there is no actual green frame on the cover, that’s just a function of this blog wanting to frame inserted pics)

Yea I designed the cover, beyotch!  I’m multi-talented like that.  Just like a high end hooker that can cook!  (not me, I can’t cook)

I have no delusions of grandeur that this book will win a Pulitzer or will launch me into worldwide fame… but if someone recognizes me locally from all of my internet propaganda and it gets me a drink at a bar faster, I’ll be a happy gal.

I’m trying something I’ve wanted to do for a while ,(putting together a book) and that is victory enough for me.  But hey I’ll throw in some lofty goals, why not?  Aim high, shoot low… or something.  Let’s sell these suckers!  Baby needs a new pair of shoes…  well more like oldest baby needs to be able to stay at expensive university!

Book will be out soon, waiting on some final production tweaks and logistics.  Will let you know.  Aiming for beginning of May.

Which brings me to… going after your dreams.  Me being the eternal, perpetual, life long pessimist, cynic, realist, and naysayer… I say take a chance.  What what?!  Yea, those that have known me a long time have just dropped their shit on the floor.  Oh I still have all the doubt in me.  I still feel my whole family is snickering behind my back and my Father in heaven and my Mother in Tucson have their brows furrowed.  But after raising kids by myself  for most of the last 19 years and at almost 48, I say fuck it.

I come from a background of “Don’t get a big head”.  Like even to the point of getting an A on a test brought “Well you better keep it up” and “Why not an A+”.  Just the usual Irish Catholic self-flagellation and cynicism, nothing terrible.  So I have a lot of thoughts in my head like “Big deal anybody and everybody can put out a book now and does” or that people who actually know good writing will think it blows.   And it may.  But I’ll try.  And I’ll learn.  And the next one will be better.  And maybe it will open a door to other things.  All I know is certain voices in my head and heart tell me I have to make my own way since I haven’t ever seemed to find great success in corporate or small-medium business America.

I’ve had to analyze my characteristics in the past year or so to plan a solid future now that the panic of  lone handling small children has passed.  Now it’s, how do I sustain a household with teenagers and college students?  Well I excel at snark and smart assery (Maureen I borrowed your word).  And a few folks with good authority said I can write good.  Uh, I mean well.  (see I do funny irony too)  So, let’s throw this up against the wall and see what sticks.

It’s overcoming your fears.  If I can emerge from public assistance and three kids on my own, so can you… well I mean not necessarily that you have foodstamps and 3 kids too, I just mean anyone with problems… you know… well you know what I mean.

But you have to have a plan.  Plan it out.  Don’t quit your day job just yet.  (Unless you have a rich spouse or parents).  Don’t be afraid to try.  Well you can still be a little afraid but just do what I did, stuff it deep down inside where you can still hear it’s muffled cries but its hands are bound securely and can’t hold you back.  🙂  Go on girl!

Next on the Agenda: Us not Me (and Bonus Thank You Track ft. Pitbull)

16 Apr

Just a thought… What the fuck is wrong with you people?  I’m convinced social media has allowed the self-involved crazy folk to turn the knob all the way to 11.

Listen up… shame on you if every time a tragedy (bombings, school shootings etc.) happens you take the opportunity to preach your personal agenda on Social Media. Shame on you for thinking of yourself and not having compassion for what really matters, our fellow humans.

You ranting about guns, religion or politics is no better than the person who perpetrated the tragedy because you are doing what they tried to do – incite fear and assert dominance.  Shame, shame, shame. Like Sweet Brown says “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”…  I know I don’t.

ayee

 

I thought I’d feature Pitbull in this bonus track since he agrees to be everywhere anyway…

Pitbull

I wanted to thank all of those who contributed to my Kickstarter campaign.  As promised, I’m sending out a great big thank you (and bonus virtual hug) to:

MC Lars

Mike Gastin

Catherine Delia

Peter White

Dawn Sargent

Geoff Lee

Jill Sweeney Bosa

Billy Baroo

Deb Blizzard

Devin Holdraker

Jeff Guilbert

Jeff Hansen

John Zabelny

Lisa Balzer

Toby Shoemaker

Anita Henderson

Dana Snyder

April Stratton

Mary Slagel

Sara Tartaglia

Gates Orlando (dude just had a heart transplant and he’s donating money to me, WTF? I’m truly humbled)

 

Finalizing cover artwork and we should be good to go in the next few weeks!  Will keep you all updated.

Book will be available through this website, Amazon.com, and other outlets to be announced.

Pretty exciting stuff!  Thank you all a big fat hairy lot!

 

 

The Awkwardness of Filtering During the Sex Talk With Your Kids

11 Apr

I ended up having an impromptu sex talk with my 16 year old daughter the other night.  I’ve had “talks” with all of my children over the years.  It’s an ongoing thing, I think that’s the best way to handle it because as time goes by more questions arise (no pun intended).  And you don’t want to sit them down and bombard them with too much information or you’ll have an 11 year with a deer in the headlights look who wants to crawl under a rock.  Hell, I’m still learning things at my age.

So, I don’t even know how it happened…  Oh wait, now I remember… we were watching “The Carrie Diaries” and a boy tried to pressure Carrie into doing naughty things with/to him.  At the end of the show we both went to the kitchen for whatever reason… and I used that as a teaching moment.  I told her not to ever let a boy pressure her into doing things she didn’t want to do.

Then it turned ugly… I mean ugly for me.  Lord I was more nervous then a long tail cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs!  (That was very Honey Boo Boo, wasn’t it?)  She told me how she had been asked for sexual favors.  Oh my God, I felt like my lungs were closing!  She turned them down.  Oh thank you sweet baby Jesus in swaddling clothes…  But jeez boys are rather forward these days.  In my day they just pulled moves while making out, guiding your hand or head where they wanted it go.  Now they just flat out ask?  Jesus Christ, at least set the mood a little…

What was also tough was censoring myself from making jokes.  “Honey I had a girl in my sorority who could suck the chrome off a tailpipe!”  But I refrained.  And then I ran like a drunk who needs to get sick in a toilet afterwards to spew out all the jokes I had pent up from the talk to my friend.  Come on, I’m only human.  It’s how I deal with shit.  Lighten up.

She told me she’s not even remotely interested in sex or getting intimate because she doesn’t feel good about her body.  Part of me was like “Yay!”  But then most of me was like, “How sad, I don’t want you to have body image issues”.  We talked about that.  Ladies, you know every single one of us has had body image issues, 95% started in jr. high and high school.  80% of us still have them…

It gets worse.  We get into specifics.  Blow jobs, hand jobs, anal sex.  You could probably see the steam rising from my head, the sweat pouring down my face, the rash on my chest.  But I knew it had to be talked about.  I asked her if her friends talk about this stuff and that I heard BJ’s are kind of a form of currency now.  She said no, but girls do brag about giving them!  Ah!  Ah!  In my head I’m now dancing like I have leeches all over me, get them off, get them off!

pearlclutching

Clutch the pearls!  In my day the only girls who gave head were trollops.  Then she says to me… “Nothing about doing that sounds appealing to me”.  Phew. (I wanted to say “Oh honey, you get use to the gag reflex thing.”  Just kidding!)

This is where it gets tricky.  I say, “Oh no, at your age that is done if you don’t have any self-respect”  Well what the hell was I supposed to say?!  “Just wait until your 35, it’s an amazing sense of power over a guy and a great way to spice things up”?  Then she says the same thing about anal sex.  In my head I’m like, “oh my God I’m having chest pains, am I dying?”  I feel it’s necessary to tell her that having anal sex is not a way to keep your virginity intact as my ex-husband’s college girlfriend thought.  ( I didn’t tell her the part about her Dad’s girlfriend)  And it can be really unsanitary and unhealthy not to mention painful.  But in my head I’m thinking but if you feel like doing it as an adult, wear a condom!  But luckily again she says it doesn’t sound appealing.  Holy Mary, Mother of God.

See, my head was exploding because first and foremost I’m a Mom, but secondly I’m a red blooded adult American woman with lust in my heart.  I’ve always been a little provocative by nature.  And yes, that’s what has lead me to bad choices at times throughout my life and I’d like to teach my daughters to stay away from that.  I mean nothing major but stuff like I shouldn’t have slept with that guy that I really really liked on the first date, no wonder he dumped me.  Or like where a guy is totally bad news for you but the sex is incredible so you stay.  Oh girl, it’s hard but don’t go there…

However knowing how to enjoy sex when you are an adult in a committed relationship or marriage is amazing.  Let’s face it, we all enjoy sex.  Don’t lie now.  And sex can make or break a relationship sometimes, right?  I loves me some sex!  But I can’t tell my 16 year old daughter that!  That’s when I have to apply the Mom filter.  But at the same time I don’t want her to have a fear of it, I think that causes some adults to have dysfunctional sex lives later.  My parents put the fear of God in me about it, that really screwed me up for a while.

I suddenly find myself back in my parent’s shoes though.  Well, except I’m still waiting for my sex talk from them.  Good Irish Catholic parents.  Seriously, I think my “talk” was “Stay away from boys”.  All that I knew about sex were the vague facts they taught in health class at the time, and the Playboy magazine I found in my Dad’s drawer in the 70’s with the woman with the gigantic shrubbery growing between her legs.

tumblr_lyxfucGHC61qaw2tq

My kids?  Hell they were looking at porn on the computer as soon as they learned where it was.  I mean, I’m assuming that, since I didn’t have any kind of content blocker on the pc.  So if I don’t talk to them they will think that sex is supposed to be all nasty with spitting and spanking on your naughty bits and lots of swearing.  I want them to know it’s something that is to come from love and respect… when you’re much older… and hopefully married, but I’ll settle for just much older.

So it was really strange having a sex talk with my daughter, knowing I’d have a completely different conversation with my adult friends.  It also makes me feel that knowing what I know and what I have done in my 4 decades in this life that I really don’t want to let her out of the house ever again.  *makes sign of the cross*

Fun With Awful Typos… News Outlets, You Are What You Type!

4 Apr

You would think alleged professional big-timey news outlets might not have interns write their content… or at the very least have an editor proof the content they put on their websites.   That’s always been a pet peeve of mine, which I shouldn’t tell you because then you’ll blast me whenever I have a typo.  Difference is, I’m a one man band not a news channel.

Same goes for print media.  That’s a little different, once it goes out the door, it’s out the door.  A website you can go back in and change.  Either way typos can provide countless hours of entertainment.

I give you some examples I found…

* I clicked on a link on Twitter which led me to Fox News (otherwise I just don’t go there) and this gem…

HOT SULPHUR SPRINGS, Colo. –  A Michigan man was fatally shot during an alteration outside the home of a Colorado prosecutor and sheriff’s deputy.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/04/03/fight-leaves-1-dead-deputy-prosecutor-hurt/?intcmp=obnetwork#ixzz2PVcOfsd1

Perhaps he was getting a suit fitted? Or maybe letting out the waistband in some slacks?

*    Muppets

I heard he was difficult but that’s just a low blow.

*      Fargo

The scored three unanswered girls in the third period?  That is absolutely vile.

*   old

Well I understand that things inside the body are warmer than outside, that’s why Luke Skywalker climbed in that dead Tauntaun but…. crapping in a blanket in your own house seems a bit unneccesary unless you’re involved in Two Girls One Blanket.

Well, that’s all I felt like posting today.  Typos can provide some great entertainment but somebody should watch that shit (in or out of a blanket).

Oh speaking of serious news outlets…  We live in a pretty decent sized city, a million people in our greater metro area, so… why is this story about some dumbass country bumpkin in a small town in BFE 30 miles from here a news story (other than the novelty of it, I guess)?  Perhaps this is one for our Fearless Leader at  Dumbass News?…

Deputies: Drunk man drove John Deere tractor on Main Street in Wyoming | www.WHEC.com.

Rednecks… go home, you’re drunk.

Oh BTDubs…  I only need $65 more dollars for Kickstarter Project to reach my goal!  In case you are interested in ordering an advance copy of my book “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!”  Click Here  Thank you!

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