Archive | August, 2012

I’ll Be The Old Woman Carrying Booze Around In a Hot Water Bottle

28 Aug

I’m a freak.  Always have been, always will be.  But I like it.  No, I really love it.  Sometimes I forget that I’m a freak and I have to go back to my roots and things I love to remind myself.

I went to New York City this weekend to take my son to college at NYU.  I’m beginning to think that him going to NYU is going to benefit me every bit as much as it will him.  I feel alive.  Incredibly alive, when I go to the city.  I was born and raised near Buffalo and then lived most of my adult life in Rochester (minus 6 years in Denver).  I’ve been going to NY since I was a kid.  My Mother’s family all still lived where my Mom was raised in the Philly/NJ/NY triad.  Then during the summers when I was in college in the early/mid 80s, I worked at a camp in Western Massachusetts and we would spend all of our days off in NY.  Believe it or not, I was one of those Uptown meets Downtown kids hanging out in Washington Square Park with a boombox.  I was always a punk/new wave/fringe kid that could also don the pearls for a sorority soiree’.

Now my son is going to school on Washington Square Park.  And funny, going there now and looking in the stores, the 80s are back in.  Oy.  I’m having flashbacks.  I never thought this would happen to me in a million years.  Hey, and I never pushed my son to go there, I actually really wanted him to go to Cornell.  lol  But, maybe things happen for a reason.  Yea, I know things happen for a reason.

I stroll down the streets of the West Village and I see these women in their 70s that are wearing big funky colorful eyeglasses that look like Jackie O. at the Gay Pride parade.  They also happen to be wearing get ups that look like Carmen Miranda wearing combat boots. I WANT TO BE THAT LADY!

I just want to be quirky and adventurous and intellectual and and artsy and hip and eccentric.  I’m a little too young to be eccentric and I think I could only get away with the Combat Carmen look when I’m a senior citizen but I want to be an eccentric in training.  I want to be a 40 something outrageous Mae West meets Betsey Johnson (a fashion designer known for her whimsical/urban/new wave style).  I want to be sexy, sassy, funny, and hip.  Not douchie hip like those “Gallery Girls” on Bravo TV that I want to punch in the face, but just like, in the know on what’s trending and popular, maybe slightly ahead of the curve, but not pretentious about it.  I’ll sit in a neighborhood dive bar in the Village and trade funny stories for cocktails.  Make no mistake, I get the cocktails, they get the funny stories.

Betsey Johnson

Mae West

I gotta’ be me.  I always dreamed of living in New York City.  Not sure where that dream derailed.  Oh yea, I remember, I made a misguided decision at the end of college.  I decided to go the safe route, instead of striking out on my own in the big city.  Of course I didn’t have a job or money either.  I probably could have found some friends to live with.  Oh well, what can I do?  I took a different path.  As kids are getting older, I now have an opportunity to reinvent myself.  Maybe not reinvent,  just go back to my true self.  And my true self involves kicking ass and taking names… mostly those of garage band members and drag queens.

So… round two.  Maybe I get another chance to be true to my heart and soul?  Maybe I get another chance to be outrageous?  I have friends in the art world.  I have friends in bands.  I’ve been trying to slowly build my wardrobe back to eclectic.  I’m happy I got back to my roots and found some black and bedazzled cat eye sunglasses, that was my trademark back in college.  Ah if only I had money…  Looks like it’s fetish films for me, right gang?  Give me enough vodka and I can do it!  Fact is, I just need to get back to me somehow.

But this time I do things right.  This time around I will write more and find more career opportunities, I’ll get drunk but I won’t get that drunk, I won’t sell myself short with men, and I will have more confidence, self respect, and calculated drive.  Don’t get any ideas, I wasn’t a drunken lazy whore in my youth, I just uh well you know made a few poor choices along the way.  Shit happens.  *nervous laugh*

I keep telling my kids “You have to make things happen”.  When they whine about “Nobody is calling me to do anything.”, I tell them “Then you need to get on the phone and initiate an activity, try to get a group together to go to a movie or something”.  If they whine about not being selected for things at school or having trouble in a class, I tell them to go talk to the teacher, ask them what you did wrong, and what you can do going forward.  Don’t just sit back and wait for the universe, get off your tush and  grab the universe by the shirt collar and say, “Hey, I’m over here pal, where are we goin’?!”  Well it’s time to take my own advice.  So watch for me, I’ll be the famous writer lady in Doc Martens with a fruit bowl on her head.   Ay dios mio… hey ho, let’s go!

Oh, and please don’t forget to share this and like this and follow me here and all that good stuff!  Thanks loads!

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Well There’s Always Work in Fetish Films, Right?

23 Aug

I’ve decided to make the permanent switch from Blogger to WordPress.  Yay me.  So, I need to start redirecting everyone over here.  Also, I need to tidy up this site, just threw it up a while ago but now I need to hang some curtains and stuff.  For example, I need to fix my damn banner, obviously it’s the wrong size so it comes out blurry.  Anyone know how to fix that… or just make a whole damn new one?

I’m in a funk right now.  No, not like George Clinton and Parliament Phunkadelic (I wish)… more like “What kind of funk did I just stick my hand in between the stove and the wall?”.  I have reasons to be incredibly joyful like taking my son to NYU for his freshman year this weekend.  I am so proud, but I think under the surface I have all kinds of emotions boiling – sad (obviously), mad/stressed/overwhelmed (that I have to coordinate and pay for everything myself), nervous (just a little, but he’s smart, I don’t think he’ll get mugged or alcohol poisoning, knock wood, oh Jesus hope I didn’t just jinx it).

But I also have legitimate reasons to be in a funk.  I can’t quite seem to get where I want to be career-wise.  I’m kind of at a cross roads with my career.  Sometimes I feel I’m on the cusp of greatness, other times I feel like, “Can I just get a God damn break for once?”.  I’ve been in survival mode since my divorce 12 years ago, in dealing with an unpredictable ex who eventually ended up fleeing the scene all together 4 years ago.  So, I’ve had to take jobs, any job I could find.  Sometimes you just have to.  But now I’m trying to have a career.   Trouble is I don’t have the financial luxury of cherry picking gigs.  But in this past month I’ve turned a corner… and I’m not sure I am comfortable with  it.

See, life would be much easier if I was a sociopath or a doormat.   I’ve been trying to speak up at the right times and stay quiet at the right times.  And I over think the sh*t out of stuff.  See, last week I quit a job that I just started about 4-5 weeks ago.  I had a bad feeling when I got hired but ya’ know I did that whole “I need to pay the bills” thing.  And I went against a vow I took years ago to never work for a small start-up or non-profit again.  Sorry, just too unstable and too much red tape and budget constraints.  Sorry, but I hate it.  I’ve gotta’ get stuff done and get it done now, not fill out 10 forms and wait for a board vote before doing it, only to find out there’s no money to pay me.

I don’t want to tell too much but it was a place that was very very small (4-5 employees) and was in transition.  Danger Will Robinson!  Some stuff went down and well… I quit.  I have never done anything like that in my life.  I do things properly, stick it out, try to work it out, or at least resign properly with a two-week notice.  But I had seen some bad signs, trust me and I vowed never put myself in that position again.  (me and my vows)

And ya’ know the Catholic guilt went into overtime.  Quitter’s remorse.  I should have just kept my mouth shut, I need the job, I shoulda’ woulda’ coulda’.   See, here I go, second guessing everything.

My point is… I’m in limbo with what I will take and what I won’t.  I’ve discovered before that what you surround yourself with or what you accept is what you get.  I guess I need to start accepting better things.  BUT, I have 3 kids to support all by myself.  No husband, no child support.  Me, myself, and I.  Kinda’ hard to do on sh*tty $12/hour jobs, but if I don’t take the $12/hour, I’ve got… nothing.  Sooooo… therein lies the problem.  I keep getting told I have great skills but lack certain specific experiences.  I’ve been making silk out of sow’s ear for years now, I’m a little freakin’ sick of it.  And I’m a jumbly mess of funk.   What’s a girl to do?

There’s always fetish work, right?

I don’t know what to do about the job thing right now.  But ya’ know what I would do about crappy situations?  Ok here’s where I go into dream sequence… I know we all have those fantasies about what we would like to do in real life situations.  Here’s what I would do if money and jail time weren’t an option…

* I would tell that woman she wears crappy bras and her size J chest doesn’t look attractive sitting on her lap and then stab her with a pencil.

* I would kick that abusive guy in the sack and tell him his ideas suck and he should stick to his profession and get help for his OCD and self-loathing issues.

* I would send all the texts with requests for nudes to that guy’s girlfriend.

* I would hit Sarah Palin in the face with a shovel.

* I would scream “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Nobody wants to hear about your stupid nerd kid all day!” to that lady, ok well several ladies I know.  You’re not the first person to ever have a child, and no he’s not the coolest thing ever.  I try so hard to keep talk of my kids to short mentions, not day long commentary at the office or every freaking FB post, Tweet, or blog.  Sorry girls.

* I would sue the crap out of that landlord for all my stuff being destroyed by mold and for being an abusive slumlord.  Oh and perhaps bash them with a shovel too.

There is such a long list, but alas they are just fantasies I whistfully play in my head to bring a smile to my face.

I really don’t have anger issues, really.  I just have an active imagination.  🙂  What would you do to get back at someone?  What would you do about work?  By the way, I don’t condone violence or destruction of property in any way, but it’s fun to envision as if it were a scene in an obsurd quirky cinematic comedy.

A New Reality Show Based on My Cleavage

21 Aug

I don’t know about you but I’m really freakin’ sick and tired of total useless toolbags or dimwits being rewarded with TV shows, fame and money… just for being complete asshats!

I’ve been doing a lot of research while planning my next steps to take over the world refine and advance my career.  Looking at what’s trending, figuring out how to brand myself.  Have you seen what’s out there?  Jesus, Mary and Joseph it’s a sea of vapidity, shallowness, low IQs, boorish, low class behavior and violent personalities.

It seems the United States has set the bar incredibly low for entertainment and celebrity.  I know there have been thousands of  blogs and articles and commentaries on all the craptastic useless reality stars and their low rent television shows.  But it goes for all forms of entertainment, TV, radio, books, magazines, blogs, theater.

All they do on these TV shows is feature incredibly dim people like Swamp People and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, so we can laugh at them.  Which honestly I think is a little mean, but obviously the dim bulbs don’t care as long as they are getting a paycheck.  Or they feature scantily clad ladies with bodies made by Mattel, like… picking dates or pulling hair (I don’t even know what the plot of that Bad Girls Club is other than to have cat fights).  Or they show ridiculously rich people with their horrendous problems like so and so didn’t invite so and so on the girl’s trip to London.  F you!  That’s a major traumatic problem in your life?  I’m insulted.  Try my life, ya’ skank, you wouldn’t survive.

So yea, I’m jealous.  Envious, jealous, whatever it takes.  I’ve worked hard, raised 3 very smart kids on my own after their Dad took off, and I work a few jobs.  I don’t want to be poor anymore, I want that big paycheck.  I want to meet Andy Cohen!  I want to have a makeover and be dressed by a stylist.  Hell yea, you bet I do!  So, what can I do?

I need an angle, a gimmick,  something to brand me.  No I don’t want burning metal on my flesh, I mean to package and advertise me, make me a brand name.  What have I got that’s special?  Humor?  Well maybe, I don’t know, funny to some, not funny to others.  I’m mature yet hip?  Maybe, but I’m not uber hip, I couldn’t critique club DJs for Rolling Stone or anything.  I’m not gorgeous, not hideous, but not gorgeous.  But I have been told I have a nice rack, even after having 3 kids!  And yes, they are real.  My secret is I gained about 15 lbs and suddenly got ample bosoms.  And I have amazing bras.  You have no idea what a good bra can do.  😉

So, that’s it.  I will try to pitch every media outlet in the world to get a reality show for my rack.  A rack could have a reality show, right?  I mean, most shows are just about looking at racks anyway right?  Just cut out the middle man, don’t need vapid girls with dumb premises, just feature my rack.  “Madge’s Rack”.

Oops, need to lighten it up, too emo, too much face in that one…

We could feature my boobs on a nice night out, a wacky date or something (too much plot?)…

My rack is even religious and attends church…

We can show my rack at work, writing…

We can show my rack eating my daily meals…

Take a look at  my rack doing daily housework…

I would have to show facial expressions with my rack once in a while, ugh I’m not happy to see you…

Look at my rack, it’s ready for a formal event…

 

And my rack, in a highly dramatic plot twist (the hand to the mouth is my signature pose, it means I’m demure, yet filthy)…  oh I forgot there are no plots in my show, ok well maybe a little…

And then I’ll throw in something completely different once in a while so that the low brow folks have something to laugh at and relate to…

Well there ya’ have it.  My new show, featuring my brand… my rack.  I could also write blogs, books, and radio shows centered around my rack.  Whattaya’ think?   Just waitin’ for those offers to roll in now…

Is Clearing Up Old Business Being Disloyal?

21 Aug

All right, I’m doing an experiment.  I’m thinking about switching my blog over to this site.  I’ve found Blogspot a little hard to deal with and no one can ever leave a comment.  So I want to see if it’s easier to interact with people over here.

So let me write a little something to get the interaction going.  I sent an email to an old beau recently because something weighed heavily on my mind.  I have two daughters ages 13 and 15 to whom I’m trying to teach the virtues of womanhood.  Well, basically how not to get screwed over by men their whole lives.  I was trying to tell them to be true to yourselves, don’t let a boy pressure you into things and stand up for yourself.  Which made me think of something that happened in my past that I had to clear up.

This is going to seem kind of assinine but I do have this really strong sense of right and wrong that tends to get me in trouble.  Oh say like calling out authority figures when I know they have done something wrong or unethical.  I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut in order to keep jobs but sometimes I just can’t.  It’s almost like when Jim Carey just blurts out things in the movie “Liar Liar”, which I think is incredibly stupid but nonetheless it’s an example.  I can’t help it, it’s like an involuntary reaction to call people out.  Not like in a know it all way but when they contradict themselves or completely tell a lie.   Anyway, this thing that happened… in short, a boy I was in love with a long long time ago thought I cheated on him because another boy kissed me.  I did not and I had to tell him so… 32 years later.

A boy did kiss me, but he snuck up behind me in a backyard and pinned me against the side of the house, I had nothing to do with it, didn’t want it to happen.  Another boy happened upon us a few seconds later and I ran away.  I ran in the house crying.  Never told my boyfriend.  But several months later that other stupid boy did tell my boyfriend.  He immediately accused me of cheating, I tried to explain but he railroaded me into thinking I did something wrong.  I began to think I did something wrong.  I must have, right?  I must have smiled too much?  Wrong.  I did nothing.  See what that Catholic guilt does to ya’?  lol

So 32 years later I had to get it off my chest.  See I told ya’, I’m like the God damn Caped Crusader of truth or something.  I just can’t let some sh*t go.  But I also have a hard time sticking up for myself and letting people know that I am smart, I am truthful, I am loyal, and I am ethical.  So suck it.

Well 32 years later he’s married and has kids.  I write about the whole mishegas that I wrote above.  He sent me a couple of paragraphs saying he was trying to digest it all and that he was sorry and he was a jerk back then and how intense his feelings were for me back then and things might have been difference if he gave me a chance to explain.  It was nice.  He invited me to write more at anytime if I liked.  So I wrote back, and talked more about things rather in depth.  Then… he just kind of stopped.  Didn’t respond to my emails.  Did he think I was a kook who was still in love with him?  Did he not want to deal with old feelings out of respect for his wife?  Does he just not have time?  Does it really matter?

What would you do?  If you were married or in a committed relationship and an old love (like a really serious serious love of your life type) wanted to discuss some stuff and get closure?  Would you talk because it would help the other person heal?  Would you not talk because you thought it would stir up old feelings and lead to new feelilngs?  Would you think the other person was crazy for bringing up stuff from long ago?  It’s kind of that Facebook dilemna, should you mingle with old flames on there?  I’m friends with several guys on FB that I had once dated, they are all married and nothings going on, we never flirt.  We might send a note saying “Hey this band played a Joy Division song and I thought of you, you should check them out”.  Is that harmless or harmful?

Please leave a comment and discuss.  I want to see if it’s easier to interact with readers on this site.  Thanks!

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