Hey gang! So excited to share some good news with you! I have a new venture I’m about to unleash on the world…
“You’re Soaking in It with Madge!”
Will hit the airwaves soon! That’s about all I can tell you right now. Stay tuned for more information…
But in the meantime, I have created a Patreon page. For those that don’t know, Patreon.com is a website that allows creative types (podcasts, authors, etc.) a way to allow their consumers/fans help to sponsor their work. Even if you just contribute $1 to let me know, “Hey I like your work” would be awesome! However if you have a business, it’s a great opportunity to sponsor my program and get your name out there and advertise your business through my work.
So if you’ve ever had any appreciation for my blog or books or my upcoming venture (it’s gonna’ be a good one), I ask you to please consider sponsoring my work, so that I can keep relaying my life mistakes to you so that it may serve as a warning of what not to do with yours! Just kidding! I appreciate all of you so much!
Thank you so much!
Hey gang! I’ve been asked this question many times and short answer is… busy.
Life got a little crazy trying to launch a few different ventures and working pretty much full-time at a part-time job while things get off the ground. Then there was the whole thing of my son graduating from college, trying to get another one home from college for the summer, and then the third one having all kinds of proms and junk. Life just rolls faster than you can keep up sometimes.
So, I’m trying to get a lot of things going. I started doing stand-up comedy, which you can see below. The sound is pretty bad but you get the idea…
It’s been a lot fun! If you want to book me for any event email me at email@example.com.
I am also starting a “Motivational Comedy” tour. It’s motivational speaking with humor that every day people like you and me can relate to. I know we’ve all seen Youtube videos of like the person who got both legs amputed but then became a triathlete… that’s heroic and you think “If he can do that, I can at least get off the couch to lose some weight”, right? Yea, well it doesn’t really relate to you on a personal level. I can tell you what it’s like to try to have the perseverance when you’ve lost your job and raising three kids alone and the bills keep mounting. And I didn’t just get through it, I thrived from it. So let me know if you want to know more.
I also did a guest host stint on a local morning radio show this morning and I got the bug to do radio again. That’s what I went to college for and spent my first 8 years out of school doing. Maybe I’ll even just start a podcast.
And of course I am still writing my blog for DivorcedMoms.com which you can read here.
So stay tuned, I’m going to try to get back to the funny on the regular. And I know some of you are like “Why start now?”… ha, you’re funny. And don’t forget to check out some of the new pages on my website! Until next time, folks!
Remember in elementary school when you bought (or rather your mother bought) that box of small Valentine’s Day cards and you filled out each one with a name of a classmate and then signed your name? Remember how you would carefully choose the coolest, cutest, favoritest character ones? Then if you waited too long to go buy them, you had to pick from whatever was left like some lame Tom & Jerry shit or that ratchet ho Strawberry Shortcake? And the messages sucked.
As an adult I love to use little kids Valentines and make them sound inappropriate. Here are some retro Valentines that I would love to see brought back for modern use because, well… they’re odd and more left open to interpretation. You wanna’ be a perv? Knock yourself out with some of these. You wanna’ be cutesy and corny? You’ve struck pay dirt here…
Oh yes, because we gals are all still going to college solely for our MRS degrees.
Perhaps if you sat in a more ergonomic way, you could…
I don’t even… What the fuck is this?
From the “Serial Killer Valentine Collection”… Creepy.
The 2016 Tinder version of this Valentine would be “Lick These Nuts Valentine”… which would be followed by a picture of nuts NOT of the plant variety…
Now THAT is some genius copy writing, right there…
To see Liz later in life, she must have been compensated a lifetime of Whitman’s Chocolates for this ad…
All the Freudian images you need… cats and licking. Your gal will be purring…
For the Vegans…
Nothing says love like a dirty, worn out sock. Especially if it’s the one he uses in “private time”…
Happy Valentine’s Day from your old pal Madge. Feel free to add any fun Valentines’ you find down in the comments…
First things first… I have a new book out!
Now on to the subject of dating… again.
Whenever a guy I go on a date with finds out I’m a writer that writes about my everyday life, they say “So, are you gonna’ write about me?” I usually respond out loud joking, “Only if you plan on being an asshole!” Which is basically true. But most of the time the response in my head is “Don’t flatter yourself”.
I just think it’s a stupid question. I don’t know, maybe I’m the jerk but I just think it’s an awkward thing to say. “Don’t flatter yourself”is really the gist of it. Especially when they ask me several times. Why in God’s name would I write about you? You’re the single most boring man I’ve ever been out with. However, commit an act of sheer assholery and you’re in like Flynn!
Funny, my friends never ask me to write about them. They never say “Hey you need to write about our crazy night at karaoke at the gay bar!” My girlfriends never say, “Why don’t you write about me and the cupcakes I bake?” Why? Because 1. They aren’t rude and 2. They don’t flatter themselves thinking that they are that interesting. (Even though they are that interesting)
Next we have the guy who endlessly suggests topics for me to write about. “You know what you should write about? You should write about why women lead men on?” Well, fella I don’t have to write about it, I’ll tell you right now, see… women are just being nice while they are out with you in the midst of figuring out that you are a complete douche-canoe. Then you ask them out again and they say no, or you text and they just don’t answer. Why because she just wasn’t feelin’ you. Or she just couldn’t take another minute of your miserableness.
Another one that I thoroughly enjoy is men suggesting subjects that I should write about that are not anywhere remotely near my realm of expertise. “Hey you should write about dating from a man’s point of view and how much we get screwed over!” Why not? Because 1. I’m not a man and 2. No. It’s my damn blog or column, I write from my point of view. Maybe I’d write about the other side if I had someone with something interesting to say. If you just want to bitch, get your own damn blog. And by the way dude, I know why you’re single, I don’t have to write a blog to investigate.
I liken it to me saying to them, “Hey you know what you should do at work? You should re-structure your management team so that there is not overlap in the… yada, yada, yada” I don’t analyze your work, be mindful not to analyze mine.
However, thanks to these overly helpful dudes I now have a new barometer for choosing the right man for me… one who doesn’t ask if I’m going to write about him.
(WARNING: This blog is filled with loads of sarcasm. If you don’t speak sarcasm, please turn back now.)
So yea, dating. I’ve been doing it a little bit… very little. In fact I don’t know if you can call most of what I’ve been doing dating. I mostly spectate as men try to get me in bed. Yea, I think that’s pretty accurate. Men don’t take women on dates anymore. And I wasn’t notified beforehand!
Dating at 50… you’d think it would be a lot more dignified. Nope. It’s pretty much the same as it was at 20, 30, 40. Now don’t start with the bullshit of, “You’ll find it when you least expect it”, “You’re looking in the wrong places”… I’m not even looking right now! The only attempts I’ve made are I occasionally swipe on Tinder, mostly when I’m bored and sitting in a waiting room for something. But no one ever talks on there. I get matched up and then no one ever sends a message. And screw it, I’m not sending a message. I’m convinced everyone else is doing the same thing I am and just browsing. And when a guy does finally send a message it’s something lame like “Hi”. Jesus, have some fucking game, dude!
I don’t belong to any other site. I was a non-paying customer on Plenty of Fish for a brief moment but I realized it should be called Plenty of Chum… there sure weren’t any good fish on there. Where are the yummy salmon, ahi tuna, swordfish, and whatever fancy high end fish there are out there? I felt like I was fishing in the Erie Canal and just left with my bait (chum) or catching the occasional carp.
So, I go out with friends, or I just do my usual social media for my personal brand and I have men approach me. That’s the “action” I get. You’d think at 50 there would be lots of wining and dining. Nope. Instead there are a whole lot of dudes who are bitter and starting over, maybe living in a room above a friends’s garage, at odds with their children and bitching about child support. *sigh* And their idea of a date is “Let’s go to your place and bang, ‘cuz I have a roommate”. Seriously? No, thank you. Sitting at home with my thumb up my ass sounds loads more enticing. Look, I’m not looking for a sugar daddy or Daddy Warbucks but is it so hard to find a guy in a good place in life – happy, financially stable, sexually functioning, and wants to go out for a nice cocktail or meal? Crap, I’ll even settle for appetizers! I’ll pay half, even! I think society has just made it easy to put in as little effort as possible into anything anymore.
It’s like a bad joke, the more stable I become, the more everyone falls apart around me. Ha. Again, don’t give me the lecture about I’m looking for things I don’t deserve and being a gold digger, that’s not the case and you know it. Screw you, I’m 50, have a career, have kids in college, own a home, own a car, volunteer… I think I’m worth something beyond “Netflix and Chill”. I’ve learned that you get what you feel you deserve, but that somehow hasn’t worked out yet.
However, I’m just not into “searching” right now. I’d just like to meet new people. I go to events for work a lot, black ties and whatnot, but they are always women’s causes and issue and there aren’t any men there… well ones that haven’t been dragged by their wife, anyway. I have tons of gay friends, but hanging at gay bars has and will net me zero, obviously. I’ve tried going to do interesting things – classes, groups. Nothing. Usually a lot of Star Wars collectors living in their parents’s basement and cat ladies. It’s not like in the movies or TV. At this point, I have no idea where the guys that butter my biscuit, float my boat, or lift my luggage are and where I would come in contact with them.
Look, I’m not better than anyone else, far from it. I’m sure I’ve been pegged as chum on Plenty of Fish myself. (btw, dude that did that – go fuck yourself) But it’s just a weird place to be in at 50. I don’t feel 50, I don’t look 50, I finally have my shit together, finances could be much better but I’m on the upswing and managing, I’m hip, I’ve got energy, I’m intelligent, I’ll make ya’ laugh, my boobs are still above the Equator… so, what am I missing?
As my trusted life consultant Life Coach Amy White says… it’s just not my time. And I agree. I used to fight people tooth and nail and get mad when they told me that, but I finally accept it. It’s just time for me to accomplish other things right now. There is not supposed to be a man to distract me or to give me an excuse not to accomplish my dreams. Like finishing the book I have coming out in a few weeks… stay tuned! And by the way, you MUST have a session with my friend Amy, she will change your life!
Aw crap, ok whatever. I’ll just sit and wait until whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I can’t believe I’m saying that. I mean, I’m not waiting for “the one” or “a serious relationship” or a “knight in shining armor”. I just want a date with a gentleman who gives me butterflies. Really, that’s all. It would be a bonus if it also included a mind-blowing romp at some point but hey, a girl can dream. So, I sit and dream and make other dreams come true in the meantime…
STAY TUNED FOR ANNOUNCEMENT ON MY NEW BOOK COMING OUT NEXT MONTH!