What I Really Meant to Say Was “Get the Hell Away From Me!”

10 Jul

I fancy myself as pretty direct. I try to give my honest thoughts without serving up a bunch of bullshit. Now of course it depends on the situation. There are some situations where it’s best to acquiesce and move on. You know like those involving bosses, police, parents, and a 6’4″ 300lb man with “Vato Loco” tattooed on his neck.

I should only weigh about 115 lbs with the fancy footwork I do every day trying to dance on that fine line of honesty, directness, and diplomacy. Alas, my ass is still fat. Probably because I’ve become less lippy in my old age and more diplomatic, it’s come in handy trying to keep down the number of jobs I get fired from. However, in other instances I find myself, like here and in social settings where I just don’t care anymore. Hence, the dance.

So, in order to turn the release valve a little and let out a few of the steamy zingers that float in my head 24 hours a day of things I’d really like to say… I give you the Madge Translator.

 

What they say: “Just a few more changes, could you make the first letter of every word capital,  shorten 1st paragraph, lengthen 2nd paragraph, and change the font.?”

What I say: “Ok, are you sure that will work for what we are trying to accomplish?”

What I really want to say: “Could you be any more of a pain in the ass? Leave the writing to me and you go fix people’s teeth!”

 

What they say: “How was your weekend? Oh we went away to see my daughter and her children and we started out and we got off the wrong exit but then we decided we needed gas, so we got off the next exit got gas, then we finally got to my daughter’s and we walked in the house and had some lemonade…”

What I say: “Mhm, good thanks.”

What I really want to say: “Do you not see me working here? Are you really that oblivious? I don’t give a shit about your trip. STFU!”

 

What they say: “When will you be home? What are we doing for dinner?”

What I say: “I’ll try to be home by 6:00 and I have some chicken but what would you like?”

What I really want to say: “I’ll be home whenever I feel like it, and make your own damn dinner, I’m tired of cooking!”

 

What they say: *nothing*

What I say: “Um excuse me, when you have a minute…”

What I really want to say: “Hello! What am I, f*cking invisible? Stop texting and get me a drink!”

 

What they say: “Girl you look like those shoes would make nice earrings, wanna’ do a shot?” (he’s wearing a camouflage t-shirt and trucker hat and shit kickers)

What I say: “Oh no thank you, I’m waiting for someone.”

What I really want to say: “Get the hell away from me! Do I really look like I’d enjoy a tractor pull? Pull this pal…”

 

What they say: “Oh my you look like you’really going to a costume party”

What I say: “Haha, well I have my own style, it’seems it’s not for everyone”

What I really want to say is: “That’s really rude and what would your J. Jill wearin’ ass know about fashion anyway? You look like a lesbian that stepped out of a 1987 time capsule!”

I could go on and on. But I thought I might leave it to you… what is something you’d really like to say?

 

22 Responses to “What I Really Meant to Say Was “Get the Hell Away From Me!””

  1. Tim July 10, 2014 at 4:00 pm #

    I know the feeling Madge; especially the talker scenario where you are clearly doing something but that fact is completely invisible to the talker. I have never had anyone refer to my shoes as potential ear rings but am sure my response, if it ever happens, will be more the second version.

    • Madge Madigan July 10, 2014 at 6:36 pm #

      Yea, that one where you haven’t even lifted your eyes from the computer or stopped your fingers from moving and they continue to jabber. Yea, I’ve had some pretty crude things said to me over the years.

  2. Sr. Scotchy McD July 10, 2014 at 4:52 pm #

    Should I be proud that I have absolutely no idea what J. Jill is?

    • Madge Madigan July 10, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

      You should. It’s one of those mall stores that sell like denim jumpers to middle aged women.

  3. shardin116 July 10, 2014 at 4:58 pm #

    You speak my language, diplomacy sucks.

  4. jacquiegum July 10, 2014 at 10:38 pm #

    I think we are too much alike Madge…other than you seem to have gotten a handle on your directness…me, not so much or at least not all the time. Nonetheless, I feel like you are my soul sister. True story…last week…arguing with my health insurance company about a med that they have covered before but decided not to cover now for my upcoming surgery. Third “customer service” (Really…is there such a thing?) rep gave e another idiotic explanation and I blurted out. “Excuse me…could you please transfer me to a SMART person?” Answer? Uh….dial tone :) Sigh!

  5. Valentine Logar July 10, 2014 at 11:00 pm #

    Oh, I have one of those. I am far ruder in my head than you are in yours though. Much of what I say starts with F

    • Madge Madigan July 11, 2014 at 9:15 am #

      Mine always start with duck you in my head but see even I needed to edit myself on here to please the masses.

      • Valentine Logar July 11, 2014 at 10:39 am #

        I edited, F could be anything could be Fried, could be Flame, could be Fire, could be anything. I am a good Southern Lady. Here in Texas we say, “Why Bless Your Heart”, when what we really want to say is, ….. well you get the point.
        ;)

  6. lilbillybaroo July 10, 2014 at 11:41 pm #

    Thanks for the j Jill explanation…

  7. Max's Midway Marketplace July 11, 2014 at 12:21 am #

    hi madge; Maybe you should meet my brother patrick. I live with him, and he has yet to learn this translation trick of yours accept for when he is out in public. He tells us exactly what he’s thinking. If you want I could let you ride with him in houston traffic. :) The family makes fun of me because even when I have good reason i have never cursed out a past client or sent a brutally honest email. thanks for sharing, max

  8. Mina Joshi July 11, 2014 at 8:41 am #

    I am going to have to learn some of these “read between the line phrases” !! I like the one which means ….make your own damn dinner, I’m tired of cooking!”

    • Madge Madigan July 12, 2014 at 6:32 am #

      Hey, who hasn’t wanted to say that to spouse or kids? Lol

  9. BinduDesigns (@Bindudesigns) July 11, 2014 at 2:10 pm #

    Very interesting post. . Sometimes, i do really wanted to know about their trip and the disasters. I am the kind of person who will let you be the diva and enjoys it.

    • Madge Madigan July 12, 2014 at 6:31 am #

      Wasn’t being a diva, I happened to be at my desk at work intensely typing on my computer when that particular incident happened. Don’t assume, that’s rude.

  10. TheRecipeHunter July 11, 2014 at 5:53 pm #

    I am literally laughing out loud! Just yesterday one of my husband’s colleages was in town and joined us at the house for drinks. He very directly asked me a question, which I then began to answer only to be interrupted by him, not even a sentence in to my reply, making his own observation about what he asked me about and engaged someone else in a lop-sided conversation. What I wanted to say: WTF did you ask me a question and then not even let me answer it you self-absorbed, narcissistic ass? ;)

    • Madge Madigan July 12, 2014 at 6:34 am #

      Oh my God, that made me laugh. I’ve encountered that as well. What the hell did you ask me for? Oh that’s right, to hear your own voice…

  11. Kitty September 24, 2014 at 1:35 pm #

    Asking questions are in fact fastidious thing if you are not
    understanding something fully, except this article presents nice understanding even.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

GASTRO-a-go-go

Carefully crafted recipes by someone who has decades of experience eating food. New posts every Thursday.

You've Been Hooked!

Observations from the trenches....

Pouring My Art Out

Ripping out my guts for your entertainment

Miss Snarky Pants

A Humor Blog For Horrible People

Beyond The Edge

A fine WordPress.com site

Seth Adam Smith

on a literal odyssey

Ostara gets a divorce

Musings about divorcing a diagnosed psychopath and the perils of surviving the court system

The Culture Monk

Coffee & Conversation - The Periphrastic Mind of Kenneth Justice

Your Family Should Have a Show

I heard from people too many times "Your family should have its own show!" Since that wasn't going to happen I created this blog.

The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5...

Friendly Dish

Suffering from an addiction to the ridiculous real housewives? You've come to the right place

29 going on slut

Good girl goes rogue

Bayard & Holmes

If you're in a fair fight, you're using poor tactics

idiotprufs

Read by four out five drunken monkeys--written by the fifth.

The Mightier Pen's Blog

SEO, Web Content & Article Marketing Advice

erikchristian

Brain Abundance News

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 272 other followers

%d bloggers like this: