As a cradle Catholic (that means people who were born into serious Catholic families, I think) I’m vaguely interested in who our next Pope will be. I still go to church and my kids go to Catholic school. I’m no zealot though, I know the church as serious issues. But ya’ know what, at my level going to mass is familiar and makes me feel at peace, makes me think, and makes me feel closer to God. So fuck you. :)
Um, yea the Pontiff. So we’re gonna’ have to wait around and wait until all these Cardinals (or “The Birds” as I like to call them) debate over who their new boss is going to be. After roughly 1,980 years of having Popes, I suggest we come into the modern age on picking Popes.
And maybe updating the names… tradition is nice and all but maybe we get some new names or dig back deep into the archives for some unused names. Some names I found that I think we should resurrect, and I’m not kidding these were actual names of past Popes:
*Linus (64-79, no there shouldn’t be a 19 in front of that the actual year 64)
* Anticletus or Cletus for short (seriously) (79-92)
* Telesphorus (125-138)
* Urban (222-230) (is relevant in today’s society, could be recycled)
* Fabian (236-250)
* Felix – (269-274)
* Sylvester (314-335)
* Innocent (401-417)
* Hilarius (461-468) (my favorite)
* Hadrianus (772-795) (heh heh heh, Beavis he said anus)
Then when they get into the 900s they just start to repeat, gets a little boring.
So, how about some new names?
* Pope Jared
* Pope Sully (popular in NY and Boston)
* Pope Snoop (I don’t think he’s Catholic though)
* Pope Tayquan
* Pope Jayden
* Pope LeBron
* Pope Todd
Ok, mull that over. How about some ways to elect the Pope?
* Have a “Pope Bee”. Have candidates stand up and have to answer historical/theological questions or have to spell “Deuteronomy”
“Damnit, I know this one…”
* Have “The X Factor – Pope Edition”. Candidates must perform the most entertaining mass around!
“Come on everybody… wave your hands in the air… and wave ‘em like you just don’t care”
* Lottery.
“I won! I won!”
* Campaigning and popular vote.
“Did you know Pope Benedict voted 18 times to raise your tithing?”
* Project Runway/Toddlers and Tiaras style. Judged solely on fashion and beauty by Heidi Klum, RuPaul, and Elton John.
“RuPaul loves the gold glitz, but Heidi Klum has a problem with the continuity of the Red Prada slippers”
* Likes on Facebook.
“Get 1,000,000 Likes and win a chance to be the Pope!”
* ReTweets on Twitter contest
“RT to become Pontiff… or win an Apple iPad”
Looks like some solid ideas to me. I personally like a breakdance battle myself to decide.
Come Vatican, pump up the pomp and circumstance and bring it into the modern era!
Madge, “mass is familiar and makes me feel at peace, makes me think, and makes me feel closer to God. So fuck you.
”, made me love you ever so much more. If only you were a man or I were gay, I’d so do you after that comment!
Oh, and I like “The X Factor – Pope Edition”. If they had online voting it would be like my third job!
I love you. Pope Madge? Just for the Prada slippers…
Blasphemous!
… so is molesting children at church.
This post… hilarious enough to make me spit out my tea… twice!
Oh yay! Sorry to make a mess, but thanks for reading! Share on Facebook and Twitter! lol
I want to be elected Pope Hilarius. I also like the idea of the Pope Bee. It beats the ways the did it during the dark ages.
No freakin’ way! I’m being Pope Hilarius! That one’s mine! Pope Bee rules, doesn’t it?
I vote X Factor! If they’re anything like Congress, we’ll have a new Pope when all the cardinals die off— it will take that long.
Seriously. I forget the last time a few years ago it took weeks. I’d love to be a fly on that wall…
I heard the play UNO during the conclave, then arm wrestle when it’s down to two.
I think because you’ve stayed off the pole, you should have a shot at becoming pontiff, too.
I want a female Pope, I vote for that. Popess? Popetress?
As a Catholic in recovery, I would so consider falling off the wagon if there was a woman Pope. In high-heels and better hats.
Excellent ideas, but add woman Pope.