All right, I never do contests but I’m determined to win this one, because as Kanye said, “Madge is the best single mom of all time… all time!” (drops mic)
What does winning this contest mean? Nothing really. But it will pimp my blog out and more people will see it and hopefully I will get more readers. Then when my book comes out in a little bit I will have more readers to pimp it to, which hopefully will be more money in my pocket! Master plan, bitches, master plan!
So click on the link below and scroll until you see my blog and then vote for me. I was at number 16, then I stopped pimping and now I’m down to like 34. So vote! Now!!! …please?
It’s supposed to be some badge, but I can’t figure it out.
Anyway, here’s why I’m the greatest single mom blogger of all time:
1. I don’t have a husband, therefore I don’t use the God damn annoying word “hubby”. (cut it out now, seriously it sounds childish and condescending) At least have an imagination and call him something like “El Spouso” or “Uber Husb” (because really there is an s before the b) or “Donor”. I would call mine “big pillow”, because a husband is one of those big pillows with arms that you lean against on your dorm bed.
2. I’m a broke single Mom who has tried like hell to earn well but make sure kids are well taken care of. However failing miserable on the “earn well” part. But if you look at me on paper you’d think I was tres’ fabulous. You would think you’d see me in Nantucket Reds, Papagallo pumps and pearls and driving a Volvo station wagon with my squash racquet in back. I’ve often heard, “Madge, oh you fancy huh?”. But in reality I’m eligible for foodstamps. Well yes, I do live in a great house, my kids go to exclusive private schools, I belong to a country club, I have a new (used) car, a new fancy phone, a son at snooty NYU, great jewels, and a charming wit.
Well, the house, I’m essentially just a boarder in this great house that is owned by my “manfriend”. I pay some rent and do most of the housework. I was forced to, couldn’t afford another rent hike at apartment, nor could I afford another security deposit. And didn’t want to move to the low rent/high crime parts of the city. This is supposed to be temporary, I want to provide my own home for my kids.
My kids all got merit scholarships and financial aid for these private schools because they are smart and driven.
My car? The old one died after 11 years and 172,000 miles, it was ridiculous to put yet another $1,000 into it (already spent $1000 this year) when I’d only get that much on a trade-in anyway. I called in favors and finagled a no money down, ridiculously low payment a month.
Country club? My manfriend belongs and we use it sparingly as not to create too much extra cost for him. We can go to the pool, just don’t order any food or drinks. lol And I play golf as an accessory so when a guy he wants to do business with asks him to play golf with his wife, we have a great little social outing. It’s just like when Darren Stevens used Tabitha as an excuse to bring a client and his wife over for dinner. Chances are that married dude wouldn’t want to hang out with some single barfly guy right? Just like hockey, I think I should get an assist on the score (sale).
NYU? Merit scholarships. He earned every bit of it and he works his ass off and works part-time.
Fancy phone? Earned an upgrade after having the last one for two years, only cost $50 for latest Droid technology.
Jewels? Charming Charlie’s or Michael’s. If you haven’t been to Charming Charlie’s you must, it is to die for. I have women that shop all over the world for jewels and ask me about mine and I proudly say, “Oh this necklace? $6.99 at Charming Charlie’s” Or I taken broken bits of jewels and repair them with bits from Michael’s and create new stuff. Gotta’ know how to shop, ladies and gents.
Charming wit? Genetic. And I think I’m genuine and hard working. People are willing to help if you are genuine and hard working. I’m not asking for handouts but hand ups. I set up your social media, you give me gas money. I bring you a new client, you give me a loaner car while mine is fixed. It’s like old fashioned bartering. I should be a fucking ward boss, just like my ancestors. I’d be huge back in the days of Tammany Hall (well if I were a guy).
Oh and having a nice rack never hurt anything either. Sometimes you just can’t have shame, well maybe just enough to avoid the pole, though.
3. Another reason is because I have created a master race of successful, well adjusted children. (fingers crossed) My kids aren’t douches. Ok, maybe sometimes just to be funny but we can’t avoid things when a laugh is to be had.
4. I never announce to friends or large crowds, “I have to go pee”.
5. I have had exactly one boyfriend in my 12 years of divorcedom. Spent the first 9 years single and hid my shenanigans from my kids. Nothing is worse for a kid than a revolving door of men. (so do it in private )
I deal with what I’ve got. I use my assets and talents and cherish my friendships. I make the best of things. Just because I’m broke doesn’t mean I can’t try to be upwardly mobile. I want to be successful. I’m not pretending, everybody knows I struggle (maybe too much sometimes, I’ve been trying to stop). But number one, I’m bound and determined to give my kids everything they EARN. Not want or need, but earn. They are smart and good and deserve a chance and I want them to be as successful as they can. And that doesn’t even mean earning the highest possible income, it means being a good honest person who works hard and has a lot of love in their lives. That is success to me.
So suck it. I’m the best single mom, vote for me. :)