I must say I have had several different attempts at re-inventing myself in the last, well… 47 years. I was going to say during this whole 12 years post divorce thing, but really thinking about it, I’ve spent my whole life trying to find the real Madge.
Well to begin with there was the whole name thing. I was born Margaret Frances. Jesus Christ I hated that name as a kid. Did my parents want me to be a nice Irish Catholic Nun? You know, growing up in the 60s and 70s all the girls had cool new names like Jennifer, Linda, Lisa, Wendy, Jan, Cindy, Marcia. I had everybody’s Grandmother’s name. But that’s ok because my parents called me Peg. After my Father’s favorite song “Peg O’ My Heart”. And as odd as it sounds Peg is the international nickname for Margaret (no idea why).
Then that turned into Peggy. Then of course was the phase of “Peggie”. And then Peggie with the i dotted as a heart. (gag, I think that was like 5th grade) Then as all my siblings will tell you, I had an alter ego within that, “Peggy Starlight”. (God how embarrassing) I was probably 4-6 years old and I used to wear this floppy sun hat, a poncho, and these big yellow plastic sun glasses and I pretended to be some sort of international superstar… or dried up lounge act, who knows. That became a big joke over the years. I was absolutely mortified, when I went to my niece’s wedding last year, flew into Seattle and was picked up by my sister’s friend holding a sign that said “Peggy Starlight”. SMH.
Moving right along, then I was back to Peg. Then I got to college and changed to Margaret. Then everyone felt the need to short my name and started calling me Marge but with thick Maine and Massachusetts accents people thought they were saying Madge. Thought it was funny, so we started going with Madge. I was a broadcasting major and decided to name my radio show on the campus station, “Soaking in it with Madge”, playing on Madge the Manicurist of the popular Palmolive dish liquid commercials of the time. Ta Da! And there you have it.
Oh that was just the name, honey. Then there were the haircuts. My Mother said she never knew what I was going to come home looking like on a college break. The wedge cut, the buzz cut, the buzz cut with long bangs, a braided tail, the asymmetrical wedge, the Flock of Seagulls, the bob, then normal long hair. That was just college. Then later there were the various “Mommy haircuts”. Ack. I’ve had the long hair now for about 6-7 years. What the hell is happening to me with the consistency?!
Then the jobs/careers. TV, radio, admin assistant, stay at home mom, customer service, receptionist, print sales, realtor, freelance marketing, property management, non-profit crap, writing, social media. Then I tried going back to school first for psychology (wanted to be a therapist), then for a marketing degree. I even tried graphic design and realized when it was real high-tech, I bombed. What the hell am I? Who am I? What am I doing here? What do I do with my mess of a self? The only thing I was ever 100% certain I was meant to do was be a Mother. And I feel confident in that role, “Broke Single Mom Creates Master Race of Successful Well Grounded Children”. Yea!
I think I finally got my shit straight when I read a self-help book for apparently people with ADD like myself. It said that you don’t have to have one straight and narrow path. Many of us have many tastes and desires, so dabble, diversify. Which is funny because I spoke to a psychic once that said I would need to have several streams of income, I won’t be happy doing just one thing. Well, duh now. Which goes against everything how I was raised and that was to have laser focus on one thing and do it the best of anyone. Yikes. This book talked about things like having this one career, then owning property on the side, and doing this other sideline. That’s all great, but when you have to raise 3 kids on your own, time and waiting for income to come around are two luxuries I can’t really afford.
I now realize and accept that asking me to laser in on one thing is like asking a spastic 4 year old to sit down and watch “Lincoln” and take notes. Oh shiny!
There is all this talk about going after your dreams! Which I’d love to do, but again how do you logistically do that with being a sole supporter of 3 kids. I guess now that I have one in college, I’m getting closer but being able to pay for college is still hanging there. And I still have two in high school on the way to college.
I’ve been trying to whittle down my interests. I think I have it right for now. Writing and social media/marketing. I’m doing both and loving it. Still waiting for it to be really profitable but I hope that will come in time. I’ve already taken a couple other interests off the list, one of which includes acting. I auditioned for a couple of things, didn’t really get any good parts, decided it wasn’t worth the time. Maybe I have no patience, maybe I realized I wasn’t as good as I thought I was, maybe I just realized my heart wasn’t in it like it used to be. I’d rather do my own material and just be me.
But we come back to that ever-present question… what the fuck is “me”?
Is it odd that I felt totally alive when I went to a celebrity revue drag show the other night and thought, “That’s what I want to do!”. Is there such a thing as a female drag queen? Maybe kind of “Victor/Victoria”-ish. (look it up folks, old Julie Andrews movie). I just want to be fabulous and lip synch and tell jokes on stage, is that so wrong?
Well, good news is, I’m taking one dream further than I ever thought… my book. I have a photo shoot coming up for cover and headshots. *gulp* The book is being combed over by a trusted friend and writing associate.
I feel a lot of anxiety and fear which I never thought I would. What if I spend too much money getting it out? What if my editor friend says it sucks? What if you say it sucks? What if I only sell 5 copies? I guess those questions can be answered with, “Well at least you can cross it off your list and now you know” And maybe I’ll keep trying or maybe I’ll just move on to the next thing like another name change or hairstyle. And there’s always work in phone sex…
Have any of you decided to go for broke and go for a dream? Do you have trouble knowing what you are supposed to do in life?
I have followed similar patterns to you. My trend seems to have followed about every 10 years I change out of what I have been doing.
And now we find me starting my 40s with next to nothing to show for all the work I have done before now (at least materialistically speaking). Like you I am wading into the written world with little to no money for my efforts. But it’s something that needs to be done.
If we follow the beaten path, sure we might know where we are going. But this path leads to the same place. Sometimes it is so much better to choose your own path instead of the one laid out before you. Fighting your way through the underbrush has its own rewards. I have even heard that if you persevere there is a strong possibility that you can find more than you ever hoped.
I like the cut of your jib… Eh maybe you are right. It’s funny I was so optimistic before, now I’m kind of getting cold feet. lol
I mean this all as, following your dreams is more important than any kind of monetary reward. Though money has its place, money is achievable. Sense of purpose and achieving your own ambitions is something you have to push for.
If you follow everyone elses path you will end up in the same place they are, hollow and empty wishing you had done it, never knowing if you could.
The book is coming soon?! Can’t wait! Please, please, please include a photo of the Flock of Seagulls doo.
I think the Flock doo is undocumented. lol Thanks.
I always loved math, in fact I recieved an academic scholarship out of high school to study it at cal Berkeley.
My sister became a quadriplegic so I changed my major to physical therapy to help her.
Went back to school in my late 30′s to get my phd in a field that only the young took on(theoretical physics) and here I am today an astrophysicist/cosmologist/theoretical physicist(they haven’t quite figured out what to call me) recently tenured at a major university and still involved in cutting edge research.
Everyone said it was a midlife crisis that would pass and I should just shut my mouth, put my head down, and gut it out as a PT.
Glad I didn’t, and it lost me a generation of friends that couldn’t deal with my change of life metamorphosis.
Fuck ‘em I’m happy and it’s still a crazy ride.
Why the hell would someone stop being friends with you just because of what you do? I don’t get that. But kudos to you!
Well for the most part all of them thought me the fool for chasing my dreams so late in life, and as a friend put it, they didn’t have much to say when I achieved them… To me or each other.
You’d be surprised how much your life changes when you find something you love to do and you just do it.
I’ve published a few books in the last couple years. Let me know if I can help =)
I’ve been meaning to talk to you Sam.
I am currently in the process of trying to decide what I want to do with my life and it is quite a difficult task. I am in college and have changed my major about four times, I graduate December 2013, and I have no clue what I want to jump into. I majored in Communications with a double minor in Fine Art and Government so I can be flexible in making a decision, but it’s hard! I hope I can eventually find a dream I would like to pursue and chase it, as of now I’m just lost! Good luck to you and I’m sure your book will be wonderful and successful, you are a hilarious writer and I imagine it would be a hit!
Oh I know, it can be really difficult when you are deciding what to do, but at least you have time on your side. Don’t worry about making the exact decision, you’ll probably change your career a few times down the road just like everyone else does. lol Just get out there and get your feet wet, you’ll learn as you go and figure it out. Don’t stress.
So what you are saying is you are just like the rest of us, still trying to figure it out.
Are you planning on going the self-publishing route? Small publisher? Independent publisher?
Yup. Self publishing. Any adivce?
Well, I guarantee you can sell more than at least five copies of your book because I would definitely buy it and recommend it to my reader friends. I love reading your blog posts. Your voice in every post really comes through and draws me in. Especially in this post. I really feel like I can relate. For example, I was born Mary Katherine. I get that Irish Catholic Nun crap all the time from people. But for some odd reason, the moment I was born, despite the fact they put Mary Katherine on my birth certificate, they started calling me Katie. Then Kate. Then Kat. And now I prefer MK because, well, I am not saintly. It took me all of elementary school to learn to respond to Mary on the first day of school or when I had to do something official like go to the school’s office for one reason or another. And if it didn’t get worse, in middle school and high school sometimes the class roster would drop the y in Mary and replace it with K. Soon I had to readjust to answering to Mark on the first day of classes and then politely correct the teacher that in fact my name was Mary Katherine, I’m female, and I prefer Kate. Such a hassle.
Oh you are just the sweetest thing! That made my day! Oh my God, I didn’t think anyone had as many name problems as me! lol Thanks Kate!