Who gives a shit about Valentine’s Day?
Well, really a lot of people do. And I would say 50% of those “people” are women. 10% are men who fear they will never hear the end of it if they don’t do something spectacular for their woman. 10% are men who just met a woman and are desperately trying to impress her. And the other 30% are gay men in love, like, or lust.
Yes, you’d think that the percentage of women might be higher but it’s not really. Ok, yes when females are younger, we care. Who didn’t sit anxiously by that paper bag taped to your desk in elementary school, waiting to see the bounty you would reap? ”Oh I wonder if Suzie will have those yummy chocolates taped to her cards again this year?” ”I wonder if Billy will write something special on his Flinstone’s card to me? I Yaba-daba-do like you!” ”I wonder if Patty will skip me because she’s a jerk?”
Then when we little darlings were in our pubescent glory in junior high, we wondered who would slip a little Valentine into our locker. Yes, you could always count on sweet loyal Wendy, she’d make up hand written cards to all her girlfriends to wish them a great day. Ok, that’s great but is Stevie gonna’ put a note in my locker? Will he ask me to check a box yes or no if I like him? My 13 year old self had an aneurysm, a myocardial infarction, and a nervous breakdown waiting for the results.
Which brings us to high school. You wondered if your boyfriend would bring flowers to school or tape something romantic to your locker. Maybe take you to a special Valentine’s dinner at Howard Johnson’s. Nothing says love like fried clam strips or a clamwich, after all. The side effects were slightly less than junior high, no aneurysm was suffered.
College… you hoped for some romance but everybody was just mostly hoping to get laid.
Early 20s? That was a little more fun because now the guys have a little bit of money… and we could get laid. Come on, that’s pretty much what it was about at that age and you know it. I had a great Valentine’s Day once, I actually got 3 different surprises. I was working at a TV station and first I received a cool exotic contemporary flower arrangement from a guy I had gone on several dates with over the last like 6 weeks. Next I got a dozen roses from a guy that I had a lengthy “complicated” thing with whom I had just left behind when I moved from North Carolina to NY. Then I received a gift bag with a rose, a teddy bear, and something else I can’t remember from a guy I had met about 2 weeks before and had gone out with a couple times. That guy would later become my husband. That was my ultimate spoiled princess dream that I will never have again, but it was cool to have just once. 
But to stay neutral and keep my options open and be a good girl, no one got laid that night.
Oh, it was a balloon, the other thing in the gift bag was a balloon. (which I hate but I married him anyway, should have been a sign)
Late 20s and 30s, just married… oh what romantic thing will my husband do? Gotta’ send flowers to the office, no ifs ands or buts, it’s all about impressing the co-workers. Seriously. Romantic overnight? Aw, ain’t love grand?
30s and 40s and divorce. A slight reversion back to high school with a new flame… will he or won’t he? With a side dish of college… hope to get laid.
Late 40s… I don’t really care. Flowers would be nice. How about just don’t make me cook or do the dishes for once?
We’ll see what comes next. Maybe the nursing home will be like elementary school but we’ll have paper bags taped to our wheelchairs.
However, I do know that at any age there are just a few things you DO NOT WANT TO DO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ON VALENTINE’S DAY, unless your goal is to be a complete dick…
DO NOT EVER…
1. Ask for a divorce.
2. Give fake/cloth/silk flowers. Unless it’s somehow an inside joke or related to something that’s happened between you two.
3. Break up with someone.
4. Try to go out to eat without a reservation. There is nowhere to have dinner anywhere, ever at anytime if you did not make a reservation ahead of time on Valentine’s Day. Seriously, no exceptions. It even takes an extra hour to get a pizza delivered, and the line at McDonald’s? Forget about it.
5. Go out with your mistress instead of your wife or girlfriend. Yea, had that happen.
6. Be ungrateful. Ladies, don’t be an ungrateful bitch even if he does the smallest thing. At least he tried. Or maybe he made as little effort as possible, whatever you’ll live. If he does nothing, eh you can be a little disappointed but don’t dwell on it or “make him pay”. That’s twatty and catty. Just get over it.
7. Ask her to make a sandwich for you after you just pounded her. Unless she offers…
8. Give the “I hate Valentine’s Day, it’s just a capitalistic holiday made up by the man” speech, when you know the other party kind of likes the day. That’s just douchie and sends the message that you’re just too unimaginative to come up with a gift and/or too cheap. Not to mention a little miserable. Lighten up and enjoy the day with your sweetie ya’ tight ass…
9. Tell your wife you don’t get enough sex from her and then turn her down when she tries to create a candlelit roll in the hay on V-Day. *ahem* Yea, that’s when she’ll figure out you’re having the affair.
10. Fall asleep while putting the kids to bed. If you have little ones, attempt to stay awake so you can get into bed with your loved one and do a little snuggling. Even if you hate the day, set aside some quality time to show you care. That’s really all it is. Even if you’re man says he hates the day, he’ll appreciate the gesture and a little bit goes a long way.
No matter what stage you’re at or if you do or don’t get you some… Here’s hoping you all have a great Valentine’s Day!
Question: Do you care about Valentine’s Day? Did you ever have a great one or a terrible one?
Don’t forget to share my blog with your friends! Kind of like herpes! Share on FB, Retweet, follow me, like me, love before I relive junior high anxiety!!!!
Well, someone else with ten suggestions on what not to do on “V-day”! Great post. My post on WordPress at “cONTEMPORARYmUSINGS paralells yours. Keep up the great work. J.
Thank you for reading and sharing your post! Very funny!
Madge you tear me up! You make a crappy situation sounda lot better than it was. BTW my wife told me early on in our marriage that if I ever surprised her with a gift on Valentine’s Day that she’d think I was trying make amends because I was feeling guilty about something. I am guilt free and she saved me a ton of money!
Thanks! Sounds like you got a low maintenance one there!
I sure do!
I LOL’d at the image of people in an old folks home with paper bags attached to their wheelchairs. I never did care much about Valentine’s day because I didn’t want to put much pressure on it. Last year I was pleasantly surprised with a dozen roses, that was nice. This year, a movie with a girlfriend and trying my hardest to resist eating a ton of chocolate is perfect for me.
Can you picture that? Bags taped to the back of the chair, “I can’t see them!”
Generally I am not over-the-top about V-Day, but I always try to get a little something for the hubs and kids. My oldest child, however, claims this holiday as her fave. I have no idea why, but she absolutely loves Valentine’s Day. So, in an effort to honor her affinity for the holiday, I sent her a care package filled with some of her favorite treats and offered to send her a little extra money to enable her to enjoy a nice dinner with some friends (since she is currently single-and-loving-it). My favorite V-Day, tho, was the year my friend and I decided to send our boyfriends on a scavenger hunt across campus which led them to a surprise dinner – they loved it! Oh, and I married that boyfriend
She must be a hopeless romantic.
That scavenger hunt sounds fun! Good idea!
What is really sad is that I know some people who really need to read your list and make some necessary changes! <3
Dude, seriously how sad is it that I made the list from experience? Will you be my Valetine?
Well, YUH! I started the think about my most miserable Valentine’s days and thought, “OH Helll NO”. I think I’d go into a deep dark depression if I thought about it too long!
Hilarious post! I’ve never been one to celebrate Valentine’s Day, being 21 and always being that single girl, I celebrate with friends, wine, home made dinner and slasher movies! My best friend and I do have a tradition of sending each other flowers from a “secret admirer” though, every year since my sophomore year of high school I can always expect a bouquet of hydrangeas at my door step!
Thanks! That’s the way to do it, then you never get let down.
I was laid off from a job one Valentines day. Though not as aweful as some of yours it was still an odd “gift” for the day of love.
Ouch. Sorry dude, yea not a good “gift”.
What a surprise A woman writing about Valentines day.
What a surprise, you going around being miserable to strangers. Seriously, get a life dude.
I don’t love this day, however I love your list.
Why not it was named after you?
First VD since 1986 where I haven’t had to comply. It was great.