Simple question today…
If you are a parent, who should pay for college?
As you all know I have a son who is a Freshman at NYU. Luckily he is wicked smart and got lots of scholarships. The leftover is paid with loans. Loans that he will pay after he gets out of school and probably until the end of time… and passed onto his heirs to pay. Unless he becomes that international business dude he aims to be and can actually pay them off some day.
Move in day at NYU for my son
Anyway, he also does work study. He has a totally sweet gig that I wish I had had in college, not only because it’s better than schleppin’ slop in the dining hall but it’s great for a resume. As you all know most resumes of kids right out of college boast things like “cashier at Urban Outfitters”, or “server at Chili’s”, or if they’re really lucky “bartender at Don’s Mixed Drinks” (a real place in Denver, btw). His job? Operations assistant at NYU MBA admissions office. Ya’ know he files and sorts applications and does spreadsheets, nothing glamorous, but what an “in”, I tell ya’. So that’s his spending money.
But I feel guilty as hell. I’ve been broke ass broke for several years now. Ex-husband left the picture, stopped paying for a few years (now coming back in drips and drabs but nothing to write home about). So I have that whole Catholic guilt about making up to the kids for me being broke and their Father abandoning them. I know, I know shut up it’s what we Irish Catholics do. It’s like our favorite past-time. I want to give them everything. But I think the best lesson my kids learned out of all of this is that they can’t always have everything in life, life just isn’t fair sometimes.
I digress. I struggle with who pays what. Does he pay for books? Should I pay for books? Do I give him a monthly allowance? Do I help pay for spring break? Do I pay the fraternity dues or does he? Do I pay part of the loans back or does he? I paid the deposit for enrollment and deposit for housing (which were hefty) so is that my fair share? Ugh.
So for advice, just before school started I get on the Facebook page for parents of incoming students in the NYU class of 2016. (seems surreal doesn’t it? I was college class of 1987, I couldn’t fathom 2016 then, I thought we’d be wearing Star Trek uniforms by now) And a Mother starts a little forum about “How much are you giving your child for an allowance at school?”. Not even if, but just how much. I thought ok this will help. Until I saw the answers. ”I’m thinking $100 a week, but is that too little? Maybe $150? You know so she can go to a movie, get some frozen yogurt, mani/pedis, maybe a cute outfit for a function?”. Since when are these “necessities”? Then they all go back and forth debating whether it’s too little. Meanwhile my lofty goal was $100 a month. Hey, it’s college you get all your meals there and what’s a keg party these days, $5 a pop? What does a boy need?
Actually he was fine with that. He’s such a good kid.
When I was in college I literally had no budget. No, not because I could spending anything I wanted… I wasn’t supposed to spend anything. Now, God rest my Father’s soul who just died in October, loved him immensely. But he was notoriously cheap. He was a child of the Depression, that’s how they were brought up. So, his great idea was you don’t need anything but if you do, write a check and then I’ll deposit the money. I was in college in Maine, they were in NY, back in the early 80s it took like a week for an out of state check to go through, you could do that. But with a drunk college kid who orders pizza at 2am who writes a check for $3, you often forget to tell Dad. And you don’t think I was embarrassed writing a check for $3? Oy. And I would have to go to the bookstore to cash a check for $5 if I wanted to go to a couple parties that weekend. If I wrote a check for more than $5 I’d get a lecture. And remember there wasn’t a vast network of ATMs then.
The best months I ever had were when I sold back my books at the end of a semester and had that small set amount I knew I could spend. Yea, I think learning to budget was a much better lesson. I choose to teach my kids to budget. But who makes the budget? Do I give an allowance or make them save from a job?
I knew people who… if they wanted to go to college back in the day, they had to pay for it. Everything. If you didn’t get the money, the parents said, “tough crap”. Now most of the time these were blue collar parents with no college education. They didn’t see an immediate need for college I guess. Or they really didn’t have the money, I don’t know. If my ex-husband hadn’t have gotten a hockey scholarship to college he probably wasn’t going to go. And he wasn’t stupid, he was an A student at the same private all boys Catholic school my son went to (both of them on scholarship). But it was all his money if he wanted to go. I knew kids who couldn’t come back a certain semester because they didn’t have the money and the parents said “tough crap”.
I know it depends on the financial situation but which is better? Mom and Dad to foot the bill because he’ll have plenty of bills later, or he’ll better value his education if he pays for it all?
Do I make him use all his work study to pay for all incidentals or should I still pay for books? I mean yea, if he wants falafel from the street cart, use your own money but what about the bigger stuff? Thoughts?
I pay for books. Maybe a little spending money, but that is also his food money. So if he drinks, he might not have money to eat. It’s his choice. Spending money for school is what he saved from his summer job. If he wants a spring break trip, he should fund it, unless perhaps it is a school sponsored thing with his major or team.
Yea, we kind of split books this time because he got Amazon gift cards, and he wanted to use them for school. Thanks for your thoughts!
A few thoughts on my experience (Graduated college class of 2004).
Unless you have a laser focus on what you want to do after school, consider community college. I had good grades and was “smart” but didn’t know what I wanted. 4 changes in major over 3 years, I had accrued no debt because at $1500/semester, my parents and I were able to pay cash. Then I had a dream, AND also racked up some nice scholarships based on collegiate work. Turns out, colleges don’t only give scholarships to freshman.
As for my parents/my contribution split, I was expected to manage the finances and present a proposal to my parents. IE “I’m going to get a job that pays X, I got a scholarship for X, I’m going to borrow X, and I need X from you to survive the semester”. It taught me how to be responsible, and I still had a lot of skin in the game financially but the help from my parents kept me from having to have more than one job.
I don’t think giving a kid college on a silver plate will help them be adults and grow up, and value their education. More of my friends than I’d care to think of got a full ride from their parents only to F it all up because they didn’t care. For me, when each class was costing me $150 out of my pocket, you can bet I NEVER SKIPPED.
My .02.
Thank you so much Garry! My son does have a laser focus and NYU is a perfect fit for him. He got into an honors program which includes spending time abroad. He’s already on the fast track and got an internship so I don’t think community college was an option, I could seem him being miserable. And we did lay out the expenses very clearly and he is very willing to use his money. There are just certain times I wish I could say oh I’ll just pay. But like you said sometimes the best thing I could do for the long run (as far as learning to be responsible) is not pay.
I’ve learned from experience and by watching others that you can only do what you can afford. Creating a financial mess of your own because you’re trying to help your child makes for a bad life. He’s smart and motivated and he’ll figure it out. I’m sure he knows the position you’re in and doesn’t want you in a deeper hole than you may already be in.
Financial experts say students should pay their loans. Parents are supposed to be planning for their own retirement. Now that my kids are older, I realize that what I want and need is just as important as what my kids want and need and I don’t HAVE to give. I will if I WANT to.
Thanks for the reminder Pam! You are right.
This has been our decision since our children were young. They will pay their own way. We have no college fund, and give them no money toward college. My oldest is in college now and she is doing it all herself. Where we come in is she doesn’t have a car and does not get student housing. So she lives with us and uses our car to get to school. She pays for the gas.
We could look at it that we be broke and can’t really afford any extra for this. But it is something we decided long ago. In our view we have been teaching out kids how to survive as adults for most of their lives. Both are very self sufficient.
Mind you we also refuse to get our kids self phones or anything of that nature. If they want them they buy them. My youngest daughter who is 14 has a decent phone (not an Iphone or anything like that but still decent. It’s better than mine). She pays for her minutes. She has proven capable of finding work to get the money she needs (usually stuff like odd jobs cleaning or mowing at others houses).
We have also never believed in allowances. We buy them what they need. Work around the house is done because we all live here and it is part of the price of living here.
Interesting perspective. Everyone has different views and priorities.
I think that’s a hard one. It all depends on the kid and the parents and their ability to pay. College has gotten so expense I’m not sure how anyone can really afford it any more but afford it in some way we must if we are to get ahead in this fast paced world. I say do the best you can. He sounds like a great kid with awesome resourcefulness.
Aw Susan, thanks he is a great kid. I’m sure he’d be more than willing without even a whine to take over everything.
Here’s what we did: we expected our son to save all his earnings for college which wasn’t much. His choice on how to spend. Amazing how frugal he’s become doling out his own dough. He has loans and we paid some tuition and bought books. His strategy was to ask for $ for birthday and Christmas from the auntie and uncle. So he has a small account for pizza etc. he sold his books to buy Christmas presents ( 90 bucks) No allowance. No additional cashola from the parents. It should be at least a little tough to be in college. Really! Makes you appreciate the meager job you get when you get out. Also motivates him to get a job this summer!! And Spring break, no way I’m funding that!!!
My 2 cents. You are a great Mom. Things in life don’t come easy. Ya gotta put effort into the things you want. College included.
I’m figuring out this seems to be my philosphy, a contribution by both. Thanks for your thoughts!
My parents paid for nothing. My roommate’s parents paid for everything. But her parents were in her face, controlling her life ALL OF THE TIME. I hated having to work during college, and owing money afterward – but I so appreciate the feeling of accomplishment I have now. I do wish I didn’t have to work 3 jobs my final year. My advice is to give a little, but don’t go into debt.
Wow, you had the extreme. I had an apartment mate have to work like 3 jobs. Sorry you had to do that.
My deal with my sons was as follows:
You will go to an landed in state school (Texas is notoriously cheap for residents)
You may live on or off campus
I will pay for the following expenses –
Tuition, books, housing (including meals in dorm), car insurance, $50 a week allowance
In turn you (son) will treat college like a job and maintain a 3.0 GPA. For every drop you will lose a portion of your salary and have to make it up out of your salary (what I pay).
That sounds like a good deal.
It teaches what the real world is like. The money that came back into my pot due to their bad grades, well lets just say I took a fabulous vacation.
The real world is full of competitive arrogant narcissistic people who are intolerant of other people. Good luck in the business world
Wow dude, from the last few comments you’ve left you seem like one of those people… and pretty miserable. Is that your favorite past-time to go around leaving bitchy comments to people you don’t even know? Hmmm, that’s exactly what you said that women do to you on my other blog.
I was exaggerating about my son, he just has typical college freshman attitude that he’s in college now and he’s cool. You don’t ever talk about my kids… ever.
I’m a Junior in college and I am fortunate enough that my parents cover all of my school expenses that aren’t covered by scholarships as long as I stay in the honors program and make the Dean’s List of a 3.75 or higher every semester. I pay for extracurricular things like my sorority, social affairs, and unnecessary housing expenses (I live off campus so I pay my own internet/cable because I can survive without them) for myself. It is hard to put a lot of expenses on a student who has to juggle a job, internships and grades. I have friends who have to pay for everything themselves and their grades are usually the first thing to go.