My Name Ain’t Baby it’s Madge, Ms. Madigan if You’re Nasty

5 Feb

I just stopped at ye olde gas station – convenience store combo.  I needed a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino and CVS wasn’t open yet.  A woman has needs.  Anyway, I had just dropped my girls off at school and I was decked out in my finest pajama bottoms, Uggs, Columbia jacket and top knot on my head.  I exchanged a chuckle with the  nice 20-something young man clerk when I went to pay $2.69 mostly in change.  (we broads don’t empty our pockets like the guys every night, we collect that shit like lint, I needed to get rid of it)  And over the course of the conversation (at beginning and end) he called me “darlin'” twice.

Now… what will Madge’s reaction be?

I kinda’ liked it.

It was cute.  He was harmless.  It wasn’t forced, you could tell he probably calls everyone that.  And the fact that he called a woman probably 20 years older than himself that was just, I don’t know… cute.  Charming.

I know not everyone likes that.  That’s the funny thing about pet names or terms of endearment or whatever.  A 70 year old woman I know from the country club would have probably cursed the kid out as she feels she deserves more respect.  I don’t know, at my age (probably her age too) I’d rather be called darlin’ than ma’am.

However, we all know there are times when it just feels different.  Say when the lecherous old man at the bar keeps calling me “sweetie”. I’d be all up in his grill like “I ain’tcho sweetie!”.  Nah, I’d just walk away ‘cuz it was creepy.

Or when the condescending woman at the jewelry counter called me “honey”.  Oh I felt a big old “fuck you” welling up from my toes on that one.  But I held my tongue.  See, because if I had gone off on her, I would have proved her theory that I was some low rent broad coming in tryin’a be all fancy.  So, to be bitchy I called her “ma’am” when she appeared to only be about 38.   heh heh heh  I could see the pissiness come over her as I smiled politely. Meow!

As for the men in my life I can’t say that I’ve ever had any concrete pet names from them, unless you count “Mom”.  And that was from my son, don’t get all pervy on me.  Actually when my son is being affectionate and not the “I’m far superior to you because I am a college Freshman in New York City and hobnobbing with the world’s elite” guy… he calls me “Mum” in a British accent.  I like that a lot.  Or “Soopah Mum”  (super mum)  which is a “Shawn of the Dead” reference.

My ex-husband called me “honey”.  Big deal.  My current man calls me… nothing.  I think he would beat my annoying ass with a stick if he could instead of calling me a pet name.

I knew a couple that called each other “babe” constantly.  It was literally ever other word, “Babe should I use more salt, babe?  Babe, what do you think, more salt babe?”  Jesus Christ, what are you trying to prove?  Get over it, we know you two are together, we’re not immigration and you’re trying to prove your marriage isn’t just a green card scam.

Oh and as one myself I can tell you without a doubt, redheads don’t care to be called “carrot top” or “fire crotch”.  And if you don’t know me, don’t ever ever yell “hey Red!” at me, or I’m gonna’ give you some fire in your crotch with a stiletto heel.  As an aside if you ask me if the carpets match the drapes, you’ll get a fork in the eye… or I’ll just publicly humiliate you and ask you if you shaved just the middle of your balls to match your hairline.

We women call each other names sometimes.  I have a bunch of friends that we called each other “hooker” all the time.  That was fun, but got old I guess.  It was the funny thing for women friends to call each other “bitch” all the time.  I think that’s pretty stale too.  When I lived in North Carolina in the late 80s I had a girl call me … I don’t know how to spell it.  Phoenetically – “shoog”.  But you know, the first syllable of “sugar” but drawn out.  It was quaint at first, but after a while I was like “ok honey the audition for Hee Haw is now over, you can stop”.

Dudes, I can’t figure you all out.  You will call each other the most vile things as terms of endearment.  My ex-husband and his friends used to call each other “cocksucker” all the time.  “Hey what’s up cocksucker?!”.  Um yea.  Then there was “fuckface”, “douchenozzle”, “dickhead”, and “zoobutt”.  But they were all hockey players so maybe they were in a class by themselves.   I don’t know, does that make you all feel closer?  Hug it out, shithead!

I guess it’s all in the way you say it.  I remember having a waitress at a diner locally but she had a thick Pittsburgh accent.  She called they guy I was with and me “hon”, but it was like every other word.   Seriously.  Ok, the part of Flo from Mel’s Diner on “Alice” has already been cast, you can cut the shit now.  It was just really forced and phony.  More annoying than charming.

Has anyone ever called you a pet name you absolutely hated?  My Dad and certain siblings called me “Peanut” when I was young because I was so tiny.  I hated it at first but came to like it more as my ass grew bigger after puberty.  Yea, you keep calling me that…

So tell me your best and worst nicknames.  Or tell me if you ever punched someone out for calling you “sugar britches”…

Oh and please follow my blog and share it with your friends via Facebook and Twitter!  Thanks.  Spread the love.  :)

34 Responses to “My Name Ain’t Baby it’s Madge, Ms. Madigan if You’re Nasty”

  1. coachdaddyblogger February 5, 2013 at 9:26 am #

    My friend in college and I used to call each other fucker, but with a drawl. Especially when thanking each other. “Thainks, fuhker!” I’d start that up again in a heart beat.

    It’s also fun to call telemarketers ‘baby.” Male or female.

    • Madge Madigan February 5, 2013 at 9:27 am #

      Oh yes yes, I forgot men calling each other fucker. That’s big. And that’s hysterical calling telemarketers baby. I’ve got to try that! lol

  2. fiammisday February 5, 2013 at 9:28 am #

    So funny!!! In Italy we do nou use so much the nicknames, anyway I can remember something stupid from college time….Nice blog, I’m following you!!! Kisses from Florence!!!

    • Madge Madigan February 5, 2013 at 9:31 am #

      Thanks! I thought in Italy everyone called everyone “bella”? lol

  3. Tanya Maile Hughes February 5, 2013 at 9:46 am #

    My parents call me “Turkey Butt” for this face I used to make that they thought resembled a turkey butt…… Brian just calls me “mein Herr”…. I don’t think that’s much of a pet name though…..

    • Madge Madigan February 5, 2013 at 9:49 am #

      Turkey Butt, that reminds me my ex used to call the kids monkey butt. “Herr”? Isn’t that German for mister? Shouldn’t it be Mein Frau. Unless he means Mein Fuehrer. lol

      • Tanya Maile Hughes February 5, 2013 at 10:01 am #

        I think he means “master”. He’s Norwegian Irish. He doesn’t know any better. :)

  4. Jon Jefferson February 5, 2013 at 10:03 am #

    My oldest daughter and her boyfriend call each other turkey butt and chicken butt. I tend to call people baby, hey you, or slacker. I have a friend that our conversations always went along the lines of “Hey fucker, what you doin?” “Fuck off shithead.” After he moved out of state I would get random calls from him along those lines.

  5. lilbillybaroo February 5, 2013 at 11:18 am #

    My wife calls me monkey, which I never answer to, which annoys the crap out of her.
    At that point I take it up a notch and do the whole “What?” Play it stupid routine, shuts that shit down in a hurry.
    My best friend and I of 30 years call each other Mary…

    • Madge Madigan February 5, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

      Ah yes, that’s another one. my ex and his friends used to call each other Nancy or Sally. I wouldn’t answer to monkey either. Just sayin’.

  6. MG February 5, 2013 at 12:06 pm #

    I like to call the condescending counter ladies pumpkin in response. I’ve had ALL kinds of nicknames…yes, good and bad. My youngest son has beautiful, thick red hair and was recently called “ginger”…he didn’t care but I wanted to beat a little bithch up. hahaha I call my children wretched trolls… have nicknames for everyone now that I think of it. Love the title! lol My sister and I used to sing that song with an accent. Good post Madgilicious!

    • Madge Madigan February 5, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

      Pumpkin. hahahahaha Thanks! Are you nasty?

      • MG February 5, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

        Why? You wanna’ be called “Ms. Madigan”? ;)

    • Jon Jefferson February 6, 2013 at 10:19 am #

      My kids have always been big brat and little brat (based on age).

  7. Katie February 5, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

    When I was married, I never was called any pet names…until my son came along…after that (and thankfully for just a short while) my ex was “big penis”, my son was “little penis”, and I was “penisless”…accurate, but not too romantic! Guess I should have caught on a bit sooner! My current “friend” calls me (and most all women) baby, dolly, honey, etc…but I like it…definitely a step up from penisless!

    • Madge Madigan February 5, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

      Penisless. hahaha Bad but funny. Aw, dolly is cute. Glad you stepped up. :)

  8. Lisa (aka Fat Face) February 5, 2013 at 6:05 pm #

    Well Madge……I do have an old friend who gave me the nickname “fat face”……

    • Madge Madigan February 5, 2013 at 6:07 pm #

      I don’t know if I should laugh or feel bad. I mean I feel bad but you’re using it so… am I allowed a small giggle?

  9. Mary Slagel February 6, 2013 at 11:10 am #

    Reading this post in my cubicle was probably a poor decision. You know that awkward moment when it is dead silent and you accidentally let out a chuckle even though you tried so hard to suppress it. Yes. That just happened. From the moment I began reading this, I automatically remembered the girl at the food court pizza joint last month repeatedly calling my mom “hon” so I really appreciated it when I saw you had mentioned the same phenomenon in the post. (It was a Pittsburgh food court of course). The girl must of been in her early twenties, if that–my mother being in her early 50s–and I cringed thinking about how pissed I would be if this girl–who is possibly even younger than I am–even opened her mouth and tried to call me “hon”. Like the couple that said babe constantly, she must have used “hon” to begin and end each sentence. “Hon, here you go hon.” “Hon, would you like an extra side with that, hon?” As soon as we walked away from the counter it automatically sparked a conversation between my mum and I about how much we hated being called pet names. I had never realized how horrible people in Pittsburgh were with pet names until I moved to Tampa five years ago and was back up in Pittsburgh visiting over Christmas when the pizza girl incident happened. Now, if you are an older waitress, you know one of those sweet ladies who have worked at the same establishment for the last 50 years, then go ahead and call me “hon” or “honey”. You’ve earned it and it’s endearing in a grandmotherly sort of way. But that is the extent of my patience with any one calling me “hon” or pretty much any other nickname.

    • Madge Madigan February 6, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

      I’m glad you got a laugh! Thank you so much for reading! My brother has lived in Pittsburgh since 1982 and I went to college near there my Freshman year. The thing that drove me crazy was “y’ins”. It just sounds silly, but at least you know where they are from when they say it.

  10. Kelly Wade February 6, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

    I can’t stand when couples overplay the “babe” thing. Okay, yeah once in a while its fine and kind of cute, but every other word and its obnoxious. One thing I can’t stand is when a female who is younger than me calls me “sweetie” or “honey”; it doesn’t make any sense. You’re younger than me using a term of endearment like I’m lower than you? No thanks. Another one is people calling me by my last name, “Wade”. Isn’t that reserved for high school boys goofing around with each other? Funny discussion none the less. And my friend Kirsten who is a redhead has officially adopted the name “Ginger”. Some people don’t even know her real first name.

    • Madge Madigan February 6, 2013 at 1:58 pm #

      But see ever since South Park made being a ginger a bad thing, I detest it. There are all sorts of memes about gingers on the internet. :( Yea, younger broads calling me honey is condescending to me. I don’t get called by my last name much since I went back to my maiden name, but when I was married and my last name was Zabelny, I guess people thought that was a cool name to call me all the time. Yea, thanks.

  11. JeriWB February 6, 2013 at 1:27 pm #

    I detest “honey” with all my heart. Since I moved to the South, I hear that one and “sugar” quite a lot. I don’t even friggin’ know you, so why are you implying I am sweet!

    • Madge Madigan February 6, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

      Sometimes I want to say “if you really knew me you wouldn’t call me sweet names”. lol

  12. Dawn February 6, 2013 at 1:52 pm #

    Love this. I once had a young woman who owns a local shoe store kinda snub me for about 15 minutes and then, after one of her regulars walked in and immediately struck up a conversation with me, finally acknowledged my presence with a, “You finding everything alright, HUN?” Of course I said, “Yes, thanks,” and walked right on out of there, never to return. Just goes to show you – you should always know your audience before addressing them….

  13. morgandecker February 6, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

    Hilarious post! And very true, pet names may just be one of the most annoying things on the earth. I hate it when strangers call me “honey’ or “sweetie” like, you don’t know me, that’s a little creepy! I feel like anyone is offended when they are addressed as “ma’am” no matter what your age or geographic region, it just seems wrong. I worked retail at Urban Outfitters for two years and if I got a quarter for how many people called me ma’am (I was 18-20 at the time) I would be a rich woman. Every single time one of those sixteen year olds came in to spend their allowance on overpriced clothing and would call me ma’am I would cringe, that word should just be banned!!

  14. Laura Sherman February 6, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    It’s interesting, as you say, I too respond differently to the same nicknames with different people. I have also learned to tone down my use of endearments for the same reason. I’m always shocked when I really offend someone by calling them “sweetie”!

  15. Valentine Logar February 7, 2013 at 12:15 am #

    I think it must be a Texas / Southern thing. I don’t think anything of it when women call me Shuge, Hun or Darlin. It is normal. We all do it. It is part of our vernacular.

  16. Susan Oakes (@m4bmarketing) February 7, 2013 at 1:40 am #

    One guy thought calling me Darl was cute until he got the look that said don’t if you want the relationship to continue.

  17. The Sean Maloney Show February 7, 2013 at 8:33 am #

    thats so true! great blog!

    feel free to take a look at mine!

  18. Susan Cooper/findingourwaynow.com February 8, 2013 at 9:29 am #

    I’m with you about “ma’am’. It makes me feel old and ugly. Sweetheart just grates me. My family used to call me Susie Q. I always hated it but now, not so much. It’s funny how what you once cringed at you now see as a term of endearment. Just my thoughts. :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

GASTRO-a-go-go

Carefully crafted recipes by someone who has decades of experience eating food. New posts every Thursday.

You've Been Hooked!

Observations from the trenches....

Pouring My Art Out

Ripping out my guts for your entertainment

Miss Snarky Pants

A Humor Blog For Horrible People

Beyond The Edge

A fine WordPress.com site

Seth Adam Smith

Writing the Way Forward

Ostara gets a divorce

Musings about divorcing a diagnosed psychopath and the perils of surviving the court system

The Culture Monk

Coffee & Conversation - The Periphrastic Mind of Kenneth Justice

Your Family Should Have a Show

I heard from people too many times "Your family should have its own show!" Since that wasn't going to happen I created this blog.

The Office Inbetweener

SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR A 9 TO 5...

Friendly Dish

Suffering from an addiction to the ridiculous real housewives? You've come to the right place

29 going on slut

Good girl goes rogue

Bayard & Holmes

If you're in a fair fight, you're using poor tactics

idiotprufs

Read by four out five drunken monkeys--written by the fifth.

The Mightier Pen's Blog

SEO, Web Content & Article Marketing Advice

erikchristian

Brain Abundance News

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 271 other followers

%d bloggers like this: