Do you believe in bad luck, bad energy, bad juju or ya’ know just like a perpetual black cloud over you? I think I do. I’m pretty sure I haz it. Hell, at this point I may even be possessed by demons of destitution, despair, famine and pestilence. I like the word pestilence. But no really, I think I need an exorcism.
I’ve had a string of bad juju since, well really if I look at it overall, I would say about from the age of 16. I had actually pretty much a picture perfect life up until 16. I lived in a small city that I loved, I was a very active child, involved in every sport I could possibly handle. By high school I was an A student, a star swimmer, a cheerleader, had a boyfriend who was two years older, president of his class, football player, swimmer, A student. I was thrilled to grow up with all the same traditions my siblings and even my Father experienced growing up in the same town. Things were awesome. I was happy.
Yes, that’s little Madge. Can’t you tell by the hair?
Then we moved. I moved to a town about 2 hours away. My Dad got a new job, it was unavoidable on his part. We moved to a new town where I tried to just continue as I had been, a swimmer, cheerleader, get along with everyone even the in-crowd. But they weren’t havin’ it. A lot of people were very mean. ”Who does she think she is, just coming in here trying to be all friendly?” But I ignored it. I went to a lot of parties and drank a lot. I put on a front but I was really sad, I missed my old school. Basically, I was depressed. My grades totally went in the shitter.
Pretty much sums it up.
Yea, by senior year I was in the in-crowd but it felt manufactured. I loved my friends that eventually truly welcomed me, but I still always felt like an outsider. These weren’t the people I “grew up” with. I felt like a fish out of water. But I still drank and my grades weren’t great. And yes, there were still some people that were really mean to me.
This was the miserable face I had most of the time 16 and on.
I’m pretty sure this triggered years of being prone to anxiety and depression thus precipitating my “bad juju” streak. A lot of stuff happened after that including going to college first to a college that was depressing as hell to me, transferred to a college where I drank a whole lot and did poorly, moving to NC and calling off an engagement, moving back up to NY and marrying a controlling alcoholic, being cheated on while pregnant, divorce, a string of uber shitty jobs, poverty, raising 3 kids on my own, eviction, foodstamps, more shitty jobs… it just never ends. Enough all-fucking-ready! Pardon my language… but it’s pretty frustrating.
A rare picture of me smiling in 1992, putting on a front, I was married and at a wedding. The night before this wedding was an absolute living hell, and if I didn’t pretend to be happy around his friends, I’d get more living hell when I got home.
(remember we all had that Pretty Woman polk-a-dot dress back then?)
The only saving grace I have are my amazing children, a manfriend that tries to be supportive in his own sarcastic way, and some good friends and family. Well, I guess that’s a lot to be thankful for, but when you’re living in a van down by the river, having nice people around you doesn’t exactly cancel it out. Not to be ungrateful but ya’ know what I’m saying. Does the horrific-ness of being in a Turkish prison get cancelled out because you received flowers from a good friend or a visit from George Clooney? Not exactly.
Me and my babies at a wedding. See I put on a good front, no one ever knows how poor I am, I still try to have dignity. I should write a book…
Sensing a theme? Putting on a front, it’s what I do. Well, try to do. Here on my blog, I complain. Out in the real world, nobody wants a Mopey Molly. I get it right most of the time. However, a lot of times I have a horrible poker face.
So anyway, it’s time to get out from under this cloud. Do any of you believe in that? I’m starting to get rid of a bunch of stuff. I’m moving because they keep raising my rent here and now that I’m down to only 2 that go to private school, it doesn’t matter where I live. I can hop a few feet over the city line and live cheaper. So I’ve been the Craigslist Queen, selling all kinds of crap left behind by my ex-husband and stuff we had bought while married. It’s time. All my stuff is a mish-mash of junk from over the years. The only furniture I have that goes together or I bought new was my matching Ethan Allen couch and love seat that were gorgeous when we bought them… almost 15 years ago. Since then it’s been spilled on, peed on, clawed and gnawed on by pets (and probably children as well). Nothing else matches. I’ve never even had a proper bed, just one of those metal frames with box spring and mattress. It’s all second hand junk. But at least it has been mine. But it may be time to regroup. You reap what you sow right?
Back up… I know you’re probably wondering, “If your life is so bad, why do you have kids at private school?” Because they are very smart and got scholarships there. I’ll do anything to get my kids the best experience if they earn it. Education is of utmost importance in our family.
…I’m hoping this purging of stuff will clear the air. I think I have a handle on the anxiety and depression that often caused me to make poor decisions or prevented me from taking action to cure things. I think I have a handle on avoiding making knee jerk poor choices. I think I have better judgement and patience now to avoid impulsively taking shitty jobs just because I need a job. (Tip: if the company acts like they need a savior to come in and make them money, don’t take the job, they probably aren’t making payroll) I think I have the tools now to kick ass and take names.
If I had more time, I’d Photoshop me in there. Maybe later…
But I just think I need to clear the air, get rid of the old bad energy hanging around. Does anyone believe in this? I was once told if you want something, you need to make space for the universe to give it to you. If you want money, clean out your wallet. If you want a man/woman, clean out your bedroom (seriously that’s what they said). If you want a new job or just a job, um I don’t remember or never figured that out apparently: I guess clean out your desk or computer or something. Maybe that’s it, or maybe it’s just looking at things everyday that subconsciously bring you back to a bad place? I see my couches everyday that remind me of being shackled… shackled to a life lived in anxiety and fear of a certain someone. Maybe it’s as simple as that. Maybe it’s the calling from a higher power to clean our auras? Maybe it’s the psychology of associative thought? Or it’s hormonal… who knows?
Dear readers I ask you… do you think it’s the whole bad energy thing or as simple as psychological triggers that keep us stuck in a certain state? Do you believe in purging things to get rid of bad juju? Have you ever purged and had it make a difference? Examples please…
Right now, I can commiserate with you. I know all the feelings you are trying to void from your life. I will say that it is a liberating feeling to release all that bad mojo burrowing itself into your soul.
Maybe it is in the clearing of space that you clear your vision to see what you couldn’t see because of the junk around you. Earlier this year when I was working I was buried under all this crap and stress, I couldn’t see the end of it all. It was when the final straw hit that I cut that part out of my life. I changed my focus to where I wanted to be instead of where I was, stuck in the mud, down at the river front living in the van. I burdens may not be the exact same, I mean we are different people. But I bet we have the same couch.
Times are still tough, but we are working for something more now. The direction we now travel is more in the direction we want to go, instead of the direction handed to us.
Exactly! You get it! That’s how I feel, surround by all this stuff that I can’t see past. Wow, I’m so glad somebody else gets it. I bet we do have the same couch. lol I’m gonna’ go throw more stuff out…
Purge and clean out not only your physical space but your emotional and spiritual space. I’ve been there, many times over. Now that I’m in my 50′s I have learned some great tools on letting go. Meditate, use positive self-talk (be kind to yourself), open your heart! Set your intent to create the life you want for you. Blessings!
Thank you! I think that is a fine idea!
Right after my dad left our home, my mother manically re-painted all the rooms. In the past 8 years, she has redone every single room in the house (some of them twice). One by one– countertops, carpets, she even tore down a wall– until the house is barely recognizable as the home i grew up in, which was place of violence, verbal abuse, affairs, and drug use. I think its cathartic to exorcise the ghosts of bad relationships past through a physical overhaul.
The “law of attraction” postulates that “like attracts like.” I have found, in my life too, that the little dark cloud seems to follow me. I recognize that part of this is my cynicism attracting other cynics and, occasionally the truly negative black hole of a human. If changing your outlook were as simple as changing your underpants, I would be in great shape! But for now, I’m a skeptical little work in progress…
Wow, I am so with you on the “laws of attraction” thing. I think that’s my problem too, although I’m trying not to be quite so cynical. I do think purging will help a little bit anyway.
Every time I purged it was upon getting out of a bad relationship. I’m also good at getting out of Dodge City along with a purge. There is something freeing about getting rid of the excesses, new environment and especially a period of time alone. I’m purging again, slowly, but often, for different reasons. At my age, less is more. I’m at a time in my life where I want simplicity. When my Mom died, I had to go through all of her stuff and make decisions regarding disposition. It was very hard and I’m still not done. I have boxes of her stuff in my garage going on 4 years now, but waaaayyy less than I had 4 years ago. Also, watching my step-mom purge Dad’s belongings, I just don’t want to put any of my family through the sorting, decisions, the soul ties, etc. No…I’m going to do that for them. When I die, I want it to be a reasonably simple job to dispose of the rest of my stuff. I had to deal with a whole houseful of Mom’s belongings. I threw away stuff that Mom should have thrown away years ago. We all have stuff like that…admit it! So, I’m giving stuff to my church thrift shop, giving away, throwing away. I still have a long way to go because I have way too much stuff. I don’t know if I will ever get to the simple, uncluttered life that I dream of, but I have already achieved it in most of the rooms of my house. I’m down to my computer room, sewing room and the garage. Unfortunately, much of what I purged from the bedroom, Florida room, living room & kitchen can be found in my computer room, sewing room or garage. Maybe I need some professional help? LOL…
That’s the other thing I’m going for is simple.
Purging is part of it, the external purge. I think though you have to purge the history and how you feel about it.
I honestly have purged internally, I think I’m really ready to purge externally to seal the deal.