Do you believe in bad luck, bad energy, bad juju or ya’ know just like a perpetual black cloud over you? I think I do. I’m pretty sure I haz it. Hell, at this point I may even be possessed by demons of destitution, despair, famine and pestilence. I like the word pestilence. But no really, I think I need an exorcism.
I’ve had a string of bad juju since, well really if I look at it overall, I would say about from the age of 16. I had actually pretty much a picture perfect life up until 16. I lived in a small city that I loved, I was a very active child, involved in every sport I could possibly handle. By high school I was an A student, a star swimmer, a cheerleader, had a boyfriend who was two years older, president of his class, football player, swimmer, A student. I was thrilled to grow up with all the same traditions my siblings and even my Father experienced growing up in the same town. Things were awesome. I was happy.
Yes, that’s little Madge. Can’t you tell by the hair?
Then we moved. I moved to a town about 2 hours away. My Dad got a new job, it was unavoidable on his part. We moved to a new town where I tried to just continue as I had been, a swimmer, cheerleader, get along with everyone even the in-crowd. But they weren’t havin’ it. A lot of people were very mean. ”Who does she think she is, just coming in here trying to be all friendly?” But I ignored it. I went to a lot of parties and drank a lot. I put on a front but I was really sad, I missed my old school. Basically, I was depressed. My grades totally went in the shitter.
Yea, by senior year I was in the in-crowd but it felt manufactured. I loved my friends that eventually truly welcomed me, but I still always felt like an outsider. These weren’t the people I “grew up” with. I felt like a fish out of water. But I still drank and my grades weren’t great. And yes, there were still some people that were really mean to me.
This was the miserable face I had most of the time 16 and on.
I’m pretty sure this triggered years of being prone to anxiety and depression thus precipitating my “bad juju” streak. A lot of stuff happened after that including going to college first to a college that was depressing as hell to me, transferred to a college where I drank a whole lot and did poorly, moving to NC and calling off an engagement, moving back up to NY and marrying a controlling alcoholic, being cheated on while pregnant, divorce, a string of uber shitty jobs, poverty, raising 3 kids on my own, eviction, foodstamps, more shitty jobs… it just never ends. Enough all-fucking-ready! Pardon my language… but it’s pretty frustrating.
A rare picture of me smiling in 1992, putting on a front, I was married and at a wedding. The night before this wedding was an absolute living hell, and if I didn’t pretend to be happy around his friends, I’d get more living hell when I got home.
(remember we all had that Pretty Woman polk-a-dot dress back then?)
The only saving grace I have are my amazing children, a manfriend that tries to be supportive in his own sarcastic way, and some good friends and family. Well, I guess that’s a lot to be thankful for, but when you’re living in a van down by the river, having nice people around you doesn’t exactly cancel it out. Not to be ungrateful but ya’ know what I’m saying. Does the horrific-ness of being in a Turkish prison get cancelled out because you received flowers from a good friend or a visit from George Clooney? Not exactly.
Me and my babies at a wedding. See I put on a good front, no one ever knows how poor I am, I still try to have dignity. I should write a book…
Sensing a theme? Putting on a front, it’s what I do. Well, try to do. Here on my blog, I complain. Out in the real world, nobody wants a Mopey Molly. I get it right most of the time. However, a lot of times I have a horrible poker face.
So anyway, it’s time to get out from under this cloud. Do any of you believe in that? I’m starting to get rid of a bunch of stuff. I’m moving because they keep raising my rent here and now that I’m down to only 2 that go to private school, it doesn’t matter where I live. I can hop a few feet over the city line and live cheaper. So I’ve been the Craigslist Queen, selling all kinds of crap left behind by my ex-husband and stuff we had bought while married. It’s time. All my stuff is a mish-mash of junk from over the years. The only furniture I have that goes together or I bought new was my matching Ethan Allen couch and love seat that were gorgeous when we bought them… almost 15 years ago. Since then it’s been spilled on, peed on, clawed and gnawed on by pets (and probably children as well). Nothing else matches. I’ve never even had a proper bed, just one of those metal frames with box spring and mattress. It’s all second hand junk. But at least it has been mine. But it may be time to regroup. You reap what you sow right?
Back up… I know you’re probably wondering, “If your life is so bad, why do you have kids at private school?” Because they are very smart and got scholarships there. I’ll do anything to get my kids the best experience if they earn it. Education is of utmost importance in our family.
…I’m hoping this purging of stuff will clear the air. I think I have a handle on the anxiety and depression that often caused me to make poor decisions or prevented me from taking action to cure things. I think I have a handle on avoiding making knee jerk poor choices. I think I have better judgement and patience now to avoid impulsively taking shitty jobs just because I need a job. (Tip: if the company acts like they need a savior to come in and make them money, don’t take the job, they probably aren’t making payroll) I think I have the tools now to kick ass and take names.
If I had more time, I’d Photoshop me in there. Maybe later…
But I just think I need to clear the air, get rid of the old bad energy hanging around. Does anyone believe in this? I was once told if you want something, you need to make space for the universe to give it to you. If you want money, clean out your wallet. If you want a man/woman, clean out your bedroom (seriously that’s what they said). If you want a new job or just a job, um I don’t remember or never figured that out apparently: I guess clean out your desk or computer or something. Maybe that’s it, or maybe it’s just looking at things everyday that subconsciously bring you back to a bad place? I see my couches everyday that remind me of being shackled… shackled to a life lived in anxiety and fear of a certain someone. Maybe it’s as simple as that. Maybe it’s the calling from a higher power to clean our auras? Maybe it’s the psychology of associative thought? Or it’s hormonal… who knows?
Dear readers I ask you… do you think it’s the whole bad energy thing or as simple as psychological triggers that keep us stuck in a certain state? Do you believe in purging things to get rid of bad juju? Have you ever purged and had it make a difference? Examples please…