Finally! Crimes are Easier to Commit Than Ever! Try Yours Today!

3 Apr

So I was reading this article here…

Doreen Landstra, Elderly Woman Who Killed 3 In Car, Gets Suspended License

And the reasoning behind the sentence completely baffled me. Now this is the woman that (you probably remember this story) backed into a group of fellow church-goers while trying to leave the church parking lot and killed 3 of them. She is 79 years old. So for her “punishment” she gets a suspended license – FOR ONE YEAR! And has to pay $1,000 fine. Really, isn’t that a little insulting to the victims?

I get it. She’s old. She killed her friends. I get it, she feels bad. My biggest problem with this is…

Her drivin’ ain’t gettin’ no better at 80 after a year’s license suspension!

Why does she need it back. Take it for good. Especially since she previously drove her SUV through a McDonald’s in 2011 after mistaking the pedals! She needs her McNuggets and “Senior Coffee” right now, damnit! She’s got an AARP card and she’s not afraid to use it!

Seriously Florida? Are you worried that fewer old people will come to Florida if you make stiffer penalties? I’d say you got plenty of blue hairs down there now!

Which then leads me to this gem of a story that came out this week…

 

Du Pont heir received no jail time after rape conviction

richards-240x300

Creepy McCreeperson much? This is the kind of person that gives us gingers a bad name. Please shave your head or color your hair, sick freak.

This further proves my theory that some people just look… sketchy. That was my thing when I did online dating, I had to see a picture and guys thought I was being shallow. Hell no! I need to look at your face, I can take one look in your eyes and tell if you’re a nutjob or evil or depressed or… toothless. Sorry, just can’t do bad teeth.

Anyway, again with no jail time… for raping his own 3 year old daughter! What in God’s name could possibly justify that?! Yes, I get maybe the DuPont name had something to do with it (free DuPont Corian counter tops for life!) but you think no one else will notice, judge? You state he wouldn’t “fare well” in prison… who gives a shit? His daughter sure didn’t “fare well”.

Jude Judy is my idol, but I’m not a judge so who am I to say, but it seems pretty apparent to me that these sentences don’t fit the crime… or accident as they call the Florida woman’s mow down. On second thought, I would love to see Judge Judy hand down these sentences. “You’re old! Time to go to the home and stop driving!” “You are a sick bastard! I hope you get what you deserve in prison!”

And I’m not some kind of Maricopa County Sheriff either, I don’t believe in chain gangs or the death penalty for traffic or immigration infractions. Just it’s obvious some of this stuff is so… bargained. Ya’ know what I mean? Lots of wheeling and dealing. It’s worse than a shopkeeper in Chinatown, “Ok I give you 2… no no… 3 for $5!” I think sometimes our court systems are far more worried about the defendant/suspect/perp than the victim. I work with a sexual and domestic assault prevention and victim transition non-profit agency… believe me I know. And it’s usually about who has the better lawyer that can open loopholes or ask for favors rather than justice.

But then the system will try to “balance itself out” by putting some poor schmo in jail for a year because he had a half ounce of weed or something on him. (Easy potheads, I don’t know the law, so whatever the possession limits are, go with that) I say legalize that stupid crap and make not serving time for heinous/hurtful/devastating acts illegal. *drops mic* I’m out…

Enough With the Gluten-Free, Cross Fit, Socialist Selfies

27 Mar

I look at social media all day. Ok, well not all day but like a whole bunch of times throughout the day. Mostly because of my various jobs. I write about pop culture so I’m always seeing what’s out there. Also I do marketing so I need to know what’s out there, as well as putting stuff out there.

Anyway, in all of my social media perusing, I see a lot of trends. I can see their evolution. I see some teens or hipsters using some word or talking about a certain activity. Then I see how it spreads to other social media savvy and pop culture junky hipsters… and college kids. Then it starts to come on the average intelligent person’s radar. Next thing you know it’s used in a commercial… and then that lady in your office with the 80′s hair cut and mom-jeans starts saying it thinking she’s incredibly cool… by that time it’s over and done and become incredibly lame.

But then there are other trends that I call “adult trends”, no not like glory holes or something, it’s usually some health thing or activity that grown folks do that… I just don’t get and I’m sick of hearing about.

Examples of cool things to do or make jokes about for hipster kids that ran it’s course… twerking.

Now wait hear me out. Twerking was funny about a year ago. Even longer than that. I heard my kids joking about it I think when my son was graduating high school in 2012. By the time Miley did it on TV, it had pretty much come and gone. Now ya’ know when your semi-retired dentist in Rockport walking shoes mentions the word twerking, you just want to say “Sorry Pops, that’s about as hip as a fanny pack”. I never understood it as a serious dance, but it was funny as hell to make jokes about… as I said, a year ago.

twerk search chart

 

Now examples of adult trends that are so overdone, overposted, overused, overhyped, and should be just… over.

* Gluten-free. Ya’ll are always posting gluten-free recipes and talking about gluten-free this or that all the time. *I’ve changed this paragraph because the gluten-free folks were on a rampage and I don’t have the time or energy for it* I apologize if I seemed insensitive, but if you are a regular reader you know it’s part of my schtick. It’s like, would you go to an Andrew Dice Clay show and get upset because he made fun of you? Duh. Look you have the right to post your recipes, just as I have a right to be annoyed by constantly being bombarded with the word gluten-free all over the internet. My pet peeve. I have hot flashes from pre-menopause but you don’t hear me talk about it incessantly.

* Cross-fit. I have a niece that is heavily into it and I adore her, so I shouldn’t talk too bad about it, but seriously… I don’t post pics of me on the elliptical machine all the time, why should I care what you do for exercise?  I used to leg press 400 lbs, I never felt the need to post pics of it. And I find it funny that you pay to go to a gym to do shit that you could do in your backyard like push tires, fling ropes, jumping jacks, sit ups, jump rope… sorry.

* Selfies. I first saw selfies on Myspace 10 years ago. Oh yes, now it’s so funny to say “I’m taking a selfie” hee hee. *eye roll* Be truly creative and record like a rocket launch in the background or something and then I’ll think it’s interesting.

* Reposting articles or stories that have no basis in fact whatsoever. Are you that fucking stupid that you will just click on “share” every time you see a story about Michelle Obama spending $70 million on a plane ride for her favorite toothbrush or a child kicked out of school for saying “I love you”? It either neglects to tell you the real story (like the kid said I love you, but had a big boner he was rubbing against kid’s legs) or is just completely made up bullshit.Oh here’s one for you… “Did you know gullible isn’t in the dictionary?”… post that.

* Looking for, cooking with, or buying organic crap. It’s just a marketing ploy to get you to pay higher prices.

* Political memes. That’s just tired. And annoying. And not funny. None of you even know the true meaning of half of the “isms” you are calling people. You wouldn’t know a true socialist if they hit you in the face with a board.

Those are just a few of the things I’m sick of hearing about. Yea, I know you wish you were as cool as me and knew what was really trendy. The fact is it is so cool and esoteric that I can’t even tell you. I can’t post it. Me and the cool kids club only whisper about it to each other in dark alleys.

 

Your Job Has Loved You Long Time, Now You Go!

20 Mar

People always act like it’s so tragic when an employer closes down and someone loses their job that they held for 25 years there. Girl, I’d be happy if I could work somewhere for a year before getting laid off. I used to look for a job every 6 months. I’d love to have that stability. and on top of it, you’ll get like 2,4,6,20 weeks of severance pay and all this, that, and the other comfy cushion. You can breathe a little while looking for your next job. Me, it was see ya’ don’t let the door hit ya’, then they’d fight me on the unemployment I was owed.

Now, don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to be mean or minimize anything, losing a job is never good. But I get annoyed when people can’t ever see the other side of things. All they see is their world, their own little microcosm, where everything is about them and their wants and needs. You may think you’re world is crashing down around you, there are other people that would give their right arm to be in your position. Seriously. Ok maybe not an arm, but me personally, I’d disfigure myself for it. But not the face!

You see, I was just reading an article that someone posted online about a business closing in my hometown where 400 people would lose their jobs. That city hasn’t had the best of luck. But anyway… there were all these people complaining about being there 15, 20, 25, 30 years and Oh my God the world is ending.

Them – “But I’ll have to roll over my 401k!”

Me – “Girl, I’ve never worked for a place that had enough employees or money to have a 401k”

Them – “But I’m losing all my vacation! I’ve had 8 week vacation from being their so long!”

Me – “Most small start-ups make you work 1099 so they don’t have to give you vacation. I haven’t been on a vacation since 1988.”

Them – “My health insurance is gone!”

Me – “Well, yea that’s a shitty one. And no employer offers it anymore since they realized they can save money by dicking us. They’ll either keep you at part-time so they don’t have to provide it, or they have a really crappy plan where you ‘only have to pay $1,000 a month’ for this great benefit we provide you” “Welcome to the new world order.”

Them – “My pension, my stock options!”

Me – *Blank stare*

Me – “Don’t make me kick your ass.”

I’ve known many people over decades that were losing jobs after a nice long run. The fact of the matter is, employers don’t give a shit anymore. It’s how the world is these days. If they aren’t making the profits they want, they won’t bat an eyelash at closing a place and kicking it’s employees to the curb.

piss off

Some of you have no idea what it’s like out there in the trenches. Me, I’ve been in a business that chews up people and spits them out without even a hiccup for years. I’ve worked in radio, television, real estate, and marketing over the past 27 years. Some of those all at the same time. Marketing is a very competitive business, there are lots of people vying for jobs, and there’s always a kid right out of college willing to work for half your pay. There are lots of small companies that need marketing and have no idea what they’re doing, so they bring someone in and when they don’t magically raise their profits by 200%, they fire them.

I would get one part-time job, but I’d have to keep looking for another part-time job to equal full-time. Then I’d find a new one, breathe for a minute, and the other one ends. Wash, rinse, repeat. So looking for a job was a never ending job. And now as a freelance writer, I’m constantly looking for opportunities (read: jobs). Just like actors, endlessly going on auditions, and even when they do get a gig, who knows how long it will last? A day, a month, a year, if you’ve been anointed by Christ?

“Well, Madge why don’t you stop doing that and get a real steady job?”

*blank stare*

“Bah hahahahahahahahaha.”

“Because those are just falling off trees for people like me, right?”

 

So people who are losing jobs after decades in the same place, consider yourself blessed. No really, I mean it. You’ve had a run that only a mere fraction of us has had. To have a cushion of 3 months pay and not have to worry about running out to Target the next day to try and find a job… any job… just to eat, because the asshole small company you worked for wants to fight your unemployment so they can hold onto every nickel? Is like winning the lottery to some of us. It truly is. I would kill for stability. It doesn’t have to be forever, any period of time where I could take a breath for a while would be stability.

I know some people can’t handle change, but put on your big boy hat and coat and go find another job. You can do it. You’ve been blessed beyond belief, and you have a great resume with stability on it (or complacency, however they view it), so set fire upon the Earth – as the Jesuits like to say. You are one of the few, the proud, the people who have been employed longer than a year somewhere!

My Adventures with Strippers

6 Mar

I was at  a business’ client appreciation reception with a Mardi Gras theme on Tuesday night.  There were a bunch of people in attendance that I knew pretty well, so it was pretty relaxed, not stuffy.  So after a glass of wine and a nip from the Bourbon tasting table… I slipped into a stand-up set.  I just love it when you get in with a group at a party that just clicks and the one liners just start to flow back and forth.  I swear to God, that’s like a freakin’ aphrodisiac for me.  Seriously.  Like, I’m not even kidding.  Oh sorry, I got a little distracted…

So I was in a group that included a psychiatrist, a film producer, a creative portfolio website founder, and… somebody else that I don’t remember that didn’t really contribute.  We got on the topic of therapy and the benefits thereof and one of the gentleman said “Where else can you pay your money and have someone’s undivided attention for a short time (as long as you’re paying) and they pretend they care?”  To which I quickly threw in, “Isn’t that what a strip club is for?” and everyone busted out laughing.  I was told “You’re good!” and “You’re quick!”  But self-congratulation is not why I mention this story… the conversation of course turned to strip clubs.

Thank God the conversation got interrupted after about 30 seconds or it could have gone terribly wrong.  But it did get me to thinking… strip clubs are like a psychological anthropological dig.  Yes, I have been to strip clubs a few times.  And you’ll probably think I’m a freak but I don’t go for any sort of sexual pleasure.  I thrive on people watching.  I mean at first it was kind of “titillating” (heh)  to see real live naked boobies, you know that taboo weird woman thing, now… I don’t care.  I’ve actually become a connoisseur of breasts, I appreciate a good natural one, strictly from a “beauty of the natural naked body” art thing.

So anyway, my first  trip ever to a strip club when I lived in Denver was a place called “Shotgun Willy’s”.  It was probably 10 years ago, maybe 12.  I think with a guy friend, just to be funny.  It wasn’t that memorable, I felt awkward. One thing is for sure, female strippers love when women come in.  Probably for many reasons – they think they are more safe then men, they get a kick out of making them feel embarrassed (it’s cute), them sticking their boobies in the face of a woman will get the male customers all hot and bothered thus spending more money, and finally, just something different from the sometimes creepy men.

633821078592410435-strippers

I made several other trips over the years, most every time with a group of co-ed drunk friends.  Probably the most bizarre visit was to this weird hybrid strip club, again in Denver, many years ago.  It was a strip club/dance bar with a section for amateurs.  I kid you not.  Go figure I find out it’s also a breeding ground for swingers!  So the girlfriend of a friend of mine (who, surprise! I find out later are swingers) goes to the “amateur” area.  She starts dancing topless while dirty toothless day laborers stood there and leered at her, while attempting to stuff dollars in… places.  I had several friends urge me to try… “Aw hellllllll naw” was my reply.  Girl I’m more of a private dancer *wink wink*… not to mention I could just see one of my kids coming home from school saying, “Jimmy’s Daddy saw your boobies!”

When I moved back to Rochester, I lost my group of drunk strip club friends.  But after a few years I found more.  I’ve gone a few times to this place in Rochester that… I don’t want to be mean but well, it’s not known for being “high end”.  It’s basically a dive bar, with a walkway over by the other wall, with a jukebox on the wall where girls covered in tattoos and c-section scars put in their own music then writhe around on the floor then wipe it down with Windex afterwards (dead serious).  Sounds hot, no?  It’s just so freakin’ interesting to me because you get people from all walks of life in their!  I’ve seen some of the wealthiest men in town and homeless men in there.  Again with the people watching, it’s completely fascinating.

Two of the funniest things I’ve ever heard in there were… a friend of mine became friendly with one dancer (who is about my age, oy, but gorgeous) in there, so one time we walk in and say hello and start chatting.  She starts looking around and says “Oh I’m listening, I’m just looking for my daughter who’s supposed to be coming in, she’s thinking about starting to dance here”  Ummmmm.  Well, there’s some fine mother-daughter bonding there.  At least keep it in the family, right?  You know how some families discuss things like, “I went to Vassar, and my Mother went to Vassar, and her Mother went to Vassar”… yea, imagine that dinner convo, “Well I’m a proud third generation Grope-a-cabana dancer!”

The other was this time we were talking to this older, heavyset dancer, now mind you something about her was still sexy.  She had a beautiful face, huge cans, but the rest was ya’ know a little big for a stripper.  So I do my usual psychological experiment and start talking to her trying to get her “story”.  I notice her shoes, they were pretty cool, not those usual “stripper clown shoes” as I call them with ridiculous platforms and heels… they were almost Louboutin-esque hooker shoes.  She said, “Thanks, my Mother got them for me when I was stripping in Vegas”.  Ummmm.  Again, I’m not gonna’ judge but I don’t think that’s something I or my daughter’s would ever say… in. our. lifetime.

Then there is the time we were talking to a dancer (who was 40ish) when she was not on stage and she says she just moved here to take care of an ailing relative and said she just started dancing here for extra money and to get out and make some friends.  Ok.  I.  Uh.  What, would the co-workers at Target be to boring for ya’?  It just struck me how it was one extreme to another, being Florence Nightingale to a dying, aging relative during the day to strutting around in a neon mesh dress and bikini picking up dollar bills with your vajay muscles… whatever makes you happy!

Someday maybe I’ll go to a “high end” strip joint, then again no it’s not why I go.  Believe it or not a lot of the women in these places still have hope.  They are still trying to earn money.  Yea, some are makin’ it just to buy more drugs but some are trying to get by and they often speak of “not doing it forever”, however that place seems to be pushing retirement age higher and higher.  And I know to a lot of them it’s their rock bottom too.  I don’t know, I think I also get a little happiness out of the smile I see on their faces when someone treats them with respect, listens to them and treats them like a human being and not a receptacle.  And it’s great material for my writing.  Am I a user too then?  Nah, I think I like to present all sides of the human spirit and all the joy, pride, ridiculousness, and mistakes we experience.

What’s Your Problem with Gays?

27 Feb

It has always baffled me exactly what the reason is that homophobes hate homosexuals.

The first thing people say is, “God says it’s bad, it’s in the bible!  It’s a sin!  It’s an abomination!”

A sin?  Well it’s not one of the Ten Commandments.  And we all know how much conflicting stuff there is in the bible.  Somebody said eating shrimp was an abomination in there too.  You can argue about the meaning of “adultery” whether it’s sex with married people… that you’re not married to, or if it’s sex between any people who are not married to each other (i.e. both single).  If that is the case, why aren’t people out protesting against adulterers?  Why aren’t people banning adulterers from military service, marching in parades, getting medical benefits from each other, or getting married?  Murder and theft are also sins, why aren’t people banning murderers and thieves from getting married and marching in parades?  I know they have trouble with getting jobs and renting apartments sometimes… funny so do my homosexual friends.

OK let’s ignore the “Bible” excuse.  What’s the real problem?  You think it’s gross?  So is 7/8′s of the stuff that goes on in your own bedroom or porn movies and mags.  I’ve had men ask me to do stuff that I think is disgusting… I didn’t go and tell them they can’t get married or adopt kids or visit their loved one on their deathbed.  I say no thanks, not for me and move on.  Did that hurt anybody?  I think perhaps the things they wanted to do to my “exit in the rear” would hurt a lot more than saying “no thanks”.

Fun fact: I know a guy who says he’s not a homophobe because “he has no problem with ‘them’ as long as they leave him alone” and liberally uses the word fag and faggot as a demeaning term… guess what his favorite thing in the world to do with women is?  You guessed it… anal sex!  Explain that one, macho guy…  And one time I asked him what would you do if a gay guy hit on you in a bar, he said he’d punch him in the face.  I then asked what he’d do if a woman whom he wasn’t interested in hit on him, he said he’d politely say “no thank you”.  Wha?!

Let’s not even start with the latent homosexual theory.  I don’t know if it’s that they have homosexual stirrings and are self-loathing and fighting them or they fear if they are friendly toward gays they will some how lose their virility card.  I don’t know, we’ll have to take that up with Dr. Freud another time…

Who gives a shit?  Really?  Seriously?  How does it hurt you?  Don’t give me that marriage integrity crap, that’s gone out the window along time ago with Liz Taylor’s 8th marriage, Newt Gingrich’s 3rd marriage, and Larry King’s 7th marriage.

Some of the people that have enriched my life the most and loved me the most in my life have been gay.  If I was judgmental, look at the joy I would have missed out on?  Not to mention the great hairstyles, floral arrangements, and interior decorating I would have missed!  I’m kidding, I’m kidding, it was a joke!  My gay friends joke about the stereotypes all the time, oy.  As my friend TJ says, “Hey Girl!” is American Gay for “Hello”.  :)

It just bothers me when people stubbornly stand by principles that are not hurting anybody else.  Who made you judge and jury?  Who made you God?  If there is some problem, God or whatever higher power will judge them.  Maybe there is no judge even?  If there isn’t then who cares?

Live and let live I say.  I’m so tired of people and their damn self-righteous bullshit.  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone… as they say.

Announcing the Title of My New Book and Trying to Outrun the Police

20 Feb

Drumroll please…

I have a new book coming out.  Tentative release date, May 1st 2014.  Are you ready for the title?  Ok, here it its…

“Poverty Line Fabulous”

Yes, yes unfortunately this is a true story about my adventures in destitute-ed-ness (my new word).  It’s my story of trying to raise 3 kids alone, make an impression and get a leg up in the working world trying desperately to find a successful career for myself, and trying to contribute to my kid’s private school world, all while getting unemployment or scrubbing friend’s toilets and receiving food stamps.

Tagline:  “I have a 5 year old Calvin Klein dress from Marshall’s and I’m not afraid to use it!”

It’s got a lot of funny stories about trying to pretend I’ve got my shit together while my world is in shambles.  But it’s also an inspirational story that proves you can be down but not necessarily out.  You don’t always have to accept your lot in life.  You can create a new life… with hard work, perseverance and a good fitting bra.

You can still always get my first book while you wait – “When Life Gives You Lemons… at Least You Won’t Get Scurvy!” Click here

Stay tuned…

Soooo… a quick blog about something of which I’ve been seeing a lot.  I swear to God, for the past several years I see about 3 of these stories a day in the local news alone…

Troopers: NY man jailed; drove 144 mph on Thruway

pedro-ramirezCuebas

(Ladies, does he turn you on?)

Well that’s one of the larger scale ones, every day you get some idiot on the New York State Thruway that thinks he’s in a video game.  However I do find the most shocking thing about that story is that the dude got an Acura to go 144 mph. Then you get a couple of these little ones every day…

Rochester man facing charges after early morning police chase

I just don’t get it.  Well I mean I do, because every time you read these it turns out the guy (I only ever read one story that was a girl) was drunk or tweakin’ or was holdin’ drugs or weapons or had warrants.  So, if you’re drunk or methed out I don’t suppose you have the best judgement at the moment.  However, does anyone ever get away?  You eventually crash your ass, or by any chance you do give the cops the slip, they have your license plate (if not stolen) and description and video and all kinds of crap.

Is it the excitement then?  Like seriously, do these guys think they are in a movie or video game?  They get an adrenaline rush? Now mind you, I’ve been known to get places a little faster than other people on the New York State Thruway, but that’s just because I have places to go, I don’t get a thrill.  In fact, I’m mostly annoyed while doing it.  But for excitement, I’m perfectly content to park my ass on the couch with some wine and cheese, that’s plenty of excitement for me.  If I want to get crazy, I’ll only be wearing a t-shirt, underwear, and black socks… awwwww yea now, look out!  No really, my real adrenaline rush is going to the gay bar with my boys and gossiping… where else can I have a guy that just got arrested for burying a body in his backyard standing 2 inches from me staring me down?  Oh girl, that’s a story for another day…

But really, just stop your car and get the minimum charges, rather than racking up a whole bunch more serious charges, not to mention maybe killing or injuring some innocent folks who just happen to be in your stupid douchebag way.  People just do stupid shit for a thrill.  Like that Paul Walker actor guy.  Had the world by the balls… but “Hey let’s go really really fast on a curvy residential road so I can get a boner!”  Uh which is something I’m sure he had done tons of times while filming those Fast and Furious (which coincidentally is a nickname for a guy I used to date) movies.

In fact I know a very well respected gentleman who’s son was arrested for going 100 mph on his crotch rocket trying to outrun police.  The 20 something year old kid was there while Dad was telling the story, the kid thought it was funny and was obviously very proud.  Dad not so much, but I think he still was a little proud that his son was so manly.  Ack.

I just don’t get it.  So, stop it already.  It’s not cool.  If you are some loser that’s in and out of jail anyway and you don’t mind because you can’t function in normal society, find another way to get back to jail without putting other people at risk.  Do some loitering or something… litter or get too many parking tickets or play your music too loud. (oh wait that could get you shot these days)  Just stop using my New York State Thruway as a racetrack please… it’s not the God damn Autobahn.

While this is one of the most awesomely f-ing incredible songs by the most phenomenal amaizngly excellent band in the world… it’s no way to live.

10 Wildly Inappropriate Yet Well Meaning Valentine’s Day Cards

13 Feb

In honor of Valentine’s Day I’m re-gifting this blog from Valentine’s Day past…

Remember in elementary school how you’d buy (or rather your mother would buy) that box of small little Valentine’s Day cards and you would fill out each one with a name of a classmate and then sign your name?  Remember how you would carefully choose the coolest, cutest, favoritest character ones?  Then if you waited too long to go buy them, you had to pick from whatever was left like some lame Tom and Jerry shit or Strawberry Shortcake?  And the messages sucked.

Well whatever you got, as you got older you thought the sayings were corny.  Then of course as you got much older you thought about how to make the sayings on those cards somewhat inappropriate.  Hell as adults, you probably even made some porn-themed Valentine greetings in your head.  Come on, it’s fun to smash the innocence of a good old fashioned Valentine!

So, I offer some do-it-yourself inappropriate Valentines, just add impure or unkind thoughts…

1.  flinstone

From the Hallmark Mary Kay LaTourneau Collection

2. rash

My advice… get some penicillin, then sue.

3. vintage_valentine_sink

Uhhhh, well I hope so or it’s back to number 2 above ^^^^

4. retro-valentine-1 club

The Chris Brown Valentine…

5.  emo valentin

Wow, that’s uh, pretty intense.  Call the suicide hotline pal, don’t send a Valentine…

6.  sexting valentine

The first sexting Valentine obviously.  Teaching young girls to send pictures of themselves in underwear to boys since 1952!

7.  retro_us_military_valentines_day_card_

This Vulcan (check out her hand) bowling bobby soxer wants to give it to you good when you get home soldier!  Nothing says sexy like bowling…  Live long and prosper while killing Nazis!

8.  egg valentine

From the Hallmark Small Penis collection…

9.  ronald

You’d take that clown over me?  I knew you slept with him!  F**k you!

10.  eat

Uhhhh… yea.

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